A Life Less Frustrating

The way you deal with today’s frustration reflects the leader you’ll become tomorrow.

Frustration is an alarm clock;
a spotlight pointing:
a match burned too long.

Frustration is a gift that says pay attention.

Don’t get frustrated with frustration. Frustration is feedback on decisions and relationships.

Frustration’s goal:

The singular message of frustration is change.

1. Usually, it’s you.
2. Sometimes, it’s others.
3. Perhaps it’s processes and procedures.

Repeated frustration:

Frustrations that return want attention like neglected children.

Ignoring frustration makes frustration mad.

Successful leaders choose responses. Weak leaders react.

Choose who to be:

1. Welcoming. Open up don’t close down. “Come in, let’s talk.”
2. Calm. Cool down don’t heat up. Nothing says confidence more than calmness during frustration.
3. Able. Assume a do-something posture.

Bonus: Optimistic. Express optimism while acknowledging realities.

Choose what to do:

1. Acknowledge don’t ignore. “That’s frustrating,” is better than, “It’s not that bad.”
2. Run toward not away. Deal with it now or you’ll deal with it later. Curiosity coupled with courage expands leadership.
3. Stay focused not distracted. Frustrations that distract from the big picture grow larger than they are.

Bonus: Involve others don’t act alone. “What can ‘we’ do,” is better than, “What can ‘I’ do.”

Three warnings:

1. Frustration in one area tends to bleed into others.
2. Don’t let short-term frustrations make long-term decisions.
3. Frustration’s biggest danger is it’s ability to create imbalance.

Rudyard Kipling wrote:

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
…
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it …

How do you deal with frustration?

Choosing Heat

Image source

Life grows cold when you feel alone.
Find someone who keeps you warm.

Relationships make or break us.

Everyone grows, develops, and succeeds in the context of relationship.

Why alone:

Feeling alone comes from choosing the cold.

1. Devaluing the centrality of relationships.
2. Refusing to help or support others. Stop expecting everyone to adapt to you. Adapt to others.
3. Pulling away and closing out. You’ve chosen safety over relationship. Walls propagate the cold.
4. Arrogantly believing everything depends on you.

Two proverbs:

“If you lie down with dogs, you will get up with fleas.”

But here’s another, opposite, proverb:

“Two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone?”

Nothing is colder than feeling alone. Find someone to lie down with, but don’t choose a dog with fleas.

Lie with those who:

1. Aren’t like you.
2. Kick people in the pants. Apathy is easy.
3. Speak and act humbly.
4. Push for excellence and give second chances. Look for compassion not mediocrity.
5. Share their journey. Do they share personal stories of success and failure? How do they talk about their mistakes? Don’t lie with fakers.
6. Give of themselves.
7. Speak with candor. Those who say what you want to hear are driven by self-interest.
8. Dream for themselves and others.
9. Energize rather than drain.
10. Earn your respect and respect you.

Bonus: Lie with those who receive as well as give.

Choosing heat:

Leaders on their own are individual contributors,
doomed to fail.

1. Make relationship building a priority.
2. Choose to fuel fires. Be a person who energizes others. Like Bob Burg says, “Be a go-giver.”
3. Choose to open yourself to others. Some will step in. A few will lie down. All warm relationships require vulnerability.

Why is it hard for leaders to build sustaining relationships?

How must leaders change in order for them to enjoy heat-making relationships?

Quickly and Simply Transform All Meetings

Image source

If you could only get back the time you gave to boring, ineffective, useless meetings!

Meetings give the impression something’s getting done when usually it isn’t.

There’s too much talking in meeting
because people aren’t focused on doing.

One rule transforms every meeting from ineffective to effective.

Rule one:

Mercilessly cut everything that isn’t connected to action.

Three functions of rule one:

Every agenda item must do at least one of three things:

1. Enhance efficiency – improve action.
2. Generate assignments – create action.
3. Stop ineffectiveness and/or inefficiency – prevent action.

Guidelines for rule one:

1. All “information-giving” must clearly inform action. Always explain the connection to doing.
2. Determine options for action, when you’re problem solving and innovating, then give assignments.
3. Don’t spend so much time improving things you haven’t done yet. Do something; improve as you go.
4. Explore what isn’t working and improve it or end it. Organizations that don’t end ineffectiveness and inefficiency eventually become paralyzed beasts.

General guidelines:

1. Shorten the length of time one person is allowed to talk.
2. All presentations must be clearly relevant to action. If it’s not relevant to action, it’s irrelevant.
3. Create short slots of time for agenda items. “We have ten minutes to find three potential improvements for employee training,” for example.
4. Before ending meetings, always ask, “Who has assignments and what are they? What’s the timeline.?”

One exception to rule one:

Take a few minutes to share what’s going on in life outside work. Give people time to connect if you expect them to connect. Use a portion of your meeting to strengthening relationships within the team.

What would transform the meetings you attend or lead?

Whining in the Workplace

Leaders hear whining about teammates and other leaders. Reminds me of kids in the backseat. “He touched me!”

• “Bob spoke harshly to me.”
• “Mary’s clothing is too casual.”
• “Bill Doesn’t like me.”
• “Mary plays favorites.”

You ask, “Did you say something?”

They say, “No. I couldn’t do that.”

Big issue:

Whining may seem small but it’s big. Whiners, who don’t own and express opinions and concerns, are organizational dead-weight. Complaints about others are the tip of the iceberg.

Whiners won’t provide independent, controversial, or contradictory options, in public. They go along but whine behind the scenes. They:

1. Destroy open communication
2. Drain energy.
3. Undermine team culture.
4. Weaken relationships.

5 Reasons whiners come to you:

1. They want you to handle it for them – fear and irresponsible.
2. You’re sympathetic and they want support – whiner.
3. They’re undermining others – power and position.
4. It’s not their place, they believe, to say anything – confused and lack of ownership.
5. They don’t know what to do – unskilled.

Anonymity breeds irresponsibility.

Fear and irresponsibility often prevent whiners from speaking up (#1). Chronic whiners, on the other hand, consistently undermine others (#3).

Responding to whining about others:

The critical moment is when you realize they don’t want to personally address their complaint. Five options:

1. Explore. “What makes you feel that way? What happened?”
2. Contradict. “Mary’s clothing isn’t too casual.”
3. Support. “I know what you mean. Bob seems to like Sally the best.”
4. Challenge. “You need to say something to your boss.”
5. Solve. “I’ll speak to your boss.”

Other responses to whining about others:

1. Ask, “What would you like me to do?”
2. I’ll help you formulate an approach, if you don’t know what to say.
3. I won’t listen to this complaint until you speak to them.
4. Let’s call Mary and clear the air right now.

What impact does whining have on your organization?

What are useful responses to whining about others?

Tapping the Radical Power of Firsts

I married my high school sweetheart. I remember leaning over the back of a green rocking chair, in 1969, and kissing her upside down. We were 13. It was my first stolen kiss.

I remember learning to ride a bike, drive a car, and the first time, at sixteen, I gave a public presentation.

Firsts transform us.

Change someone by helping them do something they haven’t done before. You remember the people who helped you do things you’d never done.

Talking is good; doing is better.

Incremental or radical:

Skill development is incremental, one practice built on another. But, there’s nothing like the first time you led a meeting, ran a project, fired an employee, or gave a presentation. It radically changed you.

Successful leaders enable firsts in others.

Powerful firsts:

1. Propel leaders on their journey. Connect this “new thing” to their big picture.
2. Include pushing. Let them know you believe in them while you’re pushing them out of the nest. Kick, don’t coddle. Admittedly, finding the right amount of push requires skill.
3. Create fear and stress. Reaching high is hard.
4. Involve stumbling. If they get it right the first time, it was too easy.
5. After stumbles, give stew-time. Don’t rush in like momma. Set up debrief meetings a day or two after their first.
6. Focus on being as well as doing. Ask, “How are you becoming who you want to be?”
7. Require improvement opportunities. Give second and third chances.

Someone gave you first-opportunities that changed you. Return the favor – change others – by giving them their firsts.

What firsts changed you?

How can leaders effectively give first opportunities?

TODAY! Learn how Stephen M.R. Covey failed and succeeded at building trust during the merger of arch-rival organizations.Listen live to his personal journey through a crisis of trust. 

13 Behaviors that Forge Resilient Organizations

Weak organizations have weak relationships internally with each other and externally with customers. Forging resilient organizations means building strong relationships.

All strong relationships require trust.

All wise leaders build relationships because organizational success depends on it. If trust is something “they” do, you are the problem.

But, how can you build strong relationships that forge resilient organizations?

Behaviors:

Stephen M.R. Covey, says, “Relationship trust is all about behavior … consistent behavior.” (From: “The Speed of Trust.” Today, seven years after publishing, it’s still #2 in Business-Life, Ethics, on Amazon.)

Covey explains 13 Behaviors common to high-trust leaders:

1. Talk straight. Let people know where you stand. Use simple language.
2. Demonstrate respect. Genuinely care and show it.
3. Create transparency. Tell the truth in a way that can be verified. Err on the side of disclosure.
4. Right Wrongs. Apologize quickly. Make restitution where possible.
5. Show loyalty. Give credit freely. Speak about people as if they were present.
6. Deliver results. Don’t overpromise and underdeliver. Don’t make excuses.
7. Get better. Thank and act on feedback.
8. Confront reality. Take issues head on, even the “undiscussibles.”
9. Clarify expectations. Disclose, reveal, discuss, validate, renegotiate if needed, don’t violate, expectations.
10. Practice accountability. Take responsibility for results. Be clear on how you’ll communicate.
11. Listen first. Don’t assume you know what matters most to others.
12. Keep commitments. Make commitments carefully. Don’t break confidences.
13. Extend trust. Extend trust abundantly to those who have earned it. Extend trust conditionally to those who are earning it.

Join me tomorrow (June 12)  for a complimentary conversation with Stephen M.R. Covey, one of the world’s top trust experts. Learn how Stephen faced a crisis of trust in his own leadership.

Register: Crisis of Trust
Date: June 12, 2013
Time: 1:00 p.m. EDT
Cost: Free
Space is limited

Which of the 13 are most challenging to leaders? Why?

How to Dig Out of Holes You’ve Dug

New dreams call for new behaviors. What worked in the past only digs holes in the present. Start again, but don’t resort to default behaviors, imagine new.

Past behaviors worked in the past, but you’ve changed and so has the world. Old strategies and methods won’t fulfill new dreams.

Old bag:

During stressful situations you reach into a well-worn back of tools – default responses. Defaults invisibly fit your grip. They’ll work again, you believe.

Default responses blind to new possibilities.

Two year olds get what they want by kicking and screaming. Leaders, who haven’t grown up, reach in their tool bag and pull out default responses of anger, for example.

Negative defaults:

The following strategies worked for you in the past.

1. Pushing harder rather than stepping back.
2. Anger rather than openness.
3. Blame rather than responsibility.
4. Attack rather than collaboration.
5. Stubbornness rather than flexibility.
6. Defending rather than listening.
7. Explaining rather than exploring.
8. Withdrawal rather than reaching out.
9. Taking things personally rather than focusing on issues.
10. All or nothing rather than progress.

Don’t let default responses bury you.

New dreams require new tools.

Imagine:

Ask someone who is in default-mode to imagine other responses and they go blank. Addressing defaults:

1. Invite someone to tell you what you look like when you’re in default mode. Better yet, ask them to talk/act like you so you can see it. (Fasten your seat belt.)
2. Forget solutions; explore strategies. Stop solving the problem and examine the way you’re solving problems.
3. Uncover desired outcomes. What are you really after when you default to your default responses? Is it what you really want? What do you really want? Get that.
4. What do your default responses say about you?
5. How would someone you admire deal with situations you’re in?

What default responses do you see in others? In yourself?

How can leaders escape default responses that are holding them back?

If You Aren’t Dumb You’re Stupid

Fearful leaders keep people in their place with fear.

Fear leads with fear.

On the other hand, confident leaders build self-confident followers.

Build-up others – ask for advice.

Most leaders say they believe in hiring people smarter than they are. Well, if they’re so smart, why aren’t you seeking their advice?

Hiring people that is smarter than you is
means you is dumber than they is.

If they’re smarter than you, tap their expertise. What do you call someone who doesn’t listen to smart people?

Who’s the smartest:

Weak, arrogant, know-it-all leaders need to be the smartest, they can’t seek advice.

Leaders who don’t seek advice fear looking dumb or believe they already know. In both cases, it’s arrogance not intelligence.

Arrogance pushes others down, something wise leaders avoid.

It’s not how smart you are
but how smart you can help them become.

Make others powerful by making them advisers. Stop seeing yourself as the adviser, receive advice instead. Ask:

1. What options do we have?
2. How would you handle this?
3. What dangers are we facing?
4. What’s the next step?
5. What happens if we fail?
6. Who is essential for success?
7. What relationships fuel forward movment?

Leaders who don’t have all the answers
are smarter than those who do.

Benefits:

The up-side of asking for advice:

1. Humility – yours
2. Elevation – theirs.
3. Options and ideas.
4. Engagement.
5. Connection.
6. Respect.
7. Loyalty.

Dumb or stupid:

You, like everyone else on the team, excel in certain areas. Hopefully, your area is leadership. Wise leaders believe answers are found by working with others, seeking advice.

Being dumb makes you smart.

Be the dumbest person in the room, at least in some areas, or you’re stupid. The need to be the smartest person in the room, means people tell you what you want to hear, that’s dumb.

How can leaders build-up others?

What are the dangers of being an advice-seeking leader?

How to Generate Enthusiasm with Assessments

Those who don’t enjoy measuring results, don’t enjoy achievement.

Unmeasured results don’t matter.

Hitting baseballs reminded me that effective assessments increase enthusiasm, concentration, and satisfaction.

The visit:

Dahliah, Asher, and Abram, three of our grandkids, are spending the week with us.

Asher, our seven year old grandson, is a sports fanatic. Yesterday, while in his red Phillies baseball jersey, I spent an hour hitting baseballs to him. He’s pretty good, if I must say so. He loves diving to make spectacular catches.

Poor performance:

His throwing, on the other hand, is inconsistent. Sometimes the ball has a mind of its own. Asher didn’t like seeing Poppi chasing after his inaccurate throws so I gave him a few throwing tips. Things got better but I could tell he still wasn’t happy.

Define winning.
Measure results.
Reward achievement.

The assessment:

“Hey Ash,” I said, “If Poppi doesn’t have to move to get the ball, when you throw it back, it’s a 10. But every step I take to get the ball is a point off.” His energy and attitude immediately lifted.

I took three steps to retrieve his next throw. Before I could announce his score, he called out, “That’s a seven.”

“Not bad,” I said. He smiled. Determination to get a ten gleamed on his face.

As his throws continued, he earned a few tens and everything from zero to nine. Curiously, after a perfect throw,  he called out, “Four.”

“Four?” I asked.

He said, “That’s four tens in a row.” He’d been keeping track of his achievement.

Enthusiasm requires:

1. Clear pictures of winning.
2. Measurable results that matter.
3. Transparent, unbiased assessments.
4. Immediate feedback.
5. Belief that excellence is possible.

Bonus: Challenging and supportive environments.

What factors make assessments effective? Ineffective?

Hear Stephen M.R. Covey sharing his personal journey into the Speed of Trust. 

The Most Powerful Way to Enhance Influence

At least once in a while, forget about controlling outcomes. Build human connections.

Set aside the things leaders hide behind. Turn off:

1. Results.
2. Strategies.
3. Respect.
4. Vision casting.
5. Authority.
6. Planning.
7. Power.
8. Timelines.
9. Job titles.
10. S.M.A.R.T. goals.

Yield:

Take a deep breath and let go of doing, at least once in awhile. Connect by gently stepping toward people with an open heart.

Forget about what you want to do
and remember who you want to be.

The most powerful way to enhance influence
is removing your mask and being you.

“Surrendering means completely relinquishing any effort to control or manipulate the outcome. Surrendering means putting all effort into being completely authentic, real, and mask-free.” Chip Bell and Marshall Goldsmith in, “Managers as Mentors.”

Bell and Goldsmith on surrender:

1. Mask-removal.
2. Openness.
3. Vulnerability.
4. Curiosity.
5. Not dedicated to convincing.
6. Candid with the intent of helping not hurting.
7. Accepting candor from others.
8. Learning-oriented.
9. Positive regard for others.
10. Not judging.

“The ritual of relationship is the gradual lowering of the mask.” Bell and Goldsmith

Responses to mask-removal:

1. Scrambling to put it back on
2. Searching for new masks.
3. Fear of rejection.
4. Wondering who I am without the things I do.
5. Freedom and relief.
6. Waste of time.
7. Vitality and opportunity.

Leadership practices apart from authenticity are posturing manipulations that make frauds of us all. Come back to the heart of leadership by lowering your mask, at least once in a while.

Suggestions:

1. Lower your mask gently.
2. Trust others first, even if it’s risky.
3. Watch for reciprocity. Does their mask lower, too?
4. Find and build on shared interests.
5. Ask an authentic leader to help you learn authenticity.

Bonus: Always unmask with optimism regarding yourself, others, and relationships.

The most powerful leadership behavior is unmasking yourself.

What are the dangers of lowering your mask?

How can leaders come out from behind their masks?

Free book: Leave a comment on: “How to be a Sage without being a Snob,” to be eligible to win 1 of 25 copies of, “Managers as Mentors.”

Learn powerful components of trusting relationships from the trust expert, Stephen M.R. Covey. Complimentary webinar:

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