In Over His Head

Today I’m talking with author and executive coach, Scott Eblin, co-founder and president of the Eblin Group. Thursday, I’m reviewing his fascinating book, “The Next Level: What Insiders Know about Executive Success.”

I’m also delighted Scott will be “in the house” Thursday, Jan. 20 to share his insights and respond to your comments and questions. In addition, we’re giving away 15 signed copies of his book.

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Leadership Freak (LF): Scott, thanks for taking a minute to chat. Let’s jump right in. Can you tell me about a tipping point in your career, an event or experience that made a significant difference in your work-life?

Scott Eblin (SE): Dan, thanks for the opportunity to tell part of my story. A major tipping point in my life occurred when I was recruited to be V.P. of H.R. for Columbia Gas Transmission. It was a major opportunity with a Fortune 500 company.   On my first day, I walked into the lobby and saw something I’ll never forget.   Beside the elevators was a placard titled, “Our Change Agents.” It was covered with the names and pictures of leaders within the organization. Right in the middle was my picture!

All plans of slipping in under the radar went out the door. When I arrived at my new office, the voice mail was full and my calendar was pre-booked for two months. Frankly, I was in over my head.

LF: Did others know?

SE: It didn’t take long for the CEO to realize the situation. Fortunately she didn’t fire me. She made sure I got coaching from herself and others.

LF: You were fortunate. It sounds like a nurturing environment.

SE: Sometimes yes, sometimes no.   My boss had an uncanny ability to know when I needed pats on the back and kicks in the pants.

LF: How did your experience with Columbia impact you?

SE: Really, it’s the reason I do what I do today. I realize there are many executives that feel in over their heads. That’s who I want to help.

LF: Your story reminds me that the fires we go through form us. Rather than running, we should find support that enables us to grow into our opportunities.

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If you haven’t been in over your head, you haven’t done much. Rather than running from the fire, I suggest you find people like Scott Eblin who can teach you how to drop and roll and then get up again.

Why don’t you share a bit of your story? Tell us about a time when you felt in over your head and what you did. Your story may help others.

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Nasty and don’t know it

Image source.

Research shows that people that hurt others with biting remarks and sarcasm don’t realize the pain they cause. In addition, mean people forget the sarcasms, cutting put-downs, and jabbing jokes they’ve said. However, others remember.

Don’t excuse cutting remarks by saying something ridiculous like, “I didn’t mean it.” It doesn’t matter that you didn’t mean it. Accept that you and your words matter.

Lost leadership

You need the people around you to be open to your influence. You diminish yourself and your leadership when others construct protective walls to shield themselves from your stinging tongue. You lessen your potential for positive impact.

Stopping isn’t enough

Often, stopping a negative behavior is enough to enhance success. Orson Card correctly commented, “Among my most prized possessions are words that I have never spoken.” However, someone incorrectly said, “The kindest word in all the world is the unkind word, unsaid.” It’s true, holding back cutting words is useful but an unsaid unkindness is never enough. After being hurt by you, silence is viewed in a negative light.

The kindest word is the spoken word that lifts, encourages, and enables. Benjamin Franklin wisely said, “As we must account for every idle word, so must we account for every idle silence.”

The harsh words that, “don’t matter,” do. The higher you go the more casual comments matter.

You could be nasty and not know it. Determine to build up, enable, and give life rather than tear down. The good news is the same tongue that hurts can also heal.

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What are some of the kindest things leaders can say?

What are some of the subtly harsh and hurtful things you’ve heard leaders say?

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Don’t miss a single issue of Leadership Freak, subscribe today. It’s free.  It’s private.  Go to the main page of Leadership Freak by clicking the banner at the top of this page, look in the right-hand navigation bar, enter your email and click subscribe.  Your email address is always kept private.  Note:  if it doesn’t arrive, check your spam filter for a confirmation email

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Find practical suggestions here:

Treat others like dogs

Community Update 01/15/2011

I’ve opened a Leadership Freak fan page on Facebook, “Leadership Freak Coffee Shop.” It’s your opportunity to shape future posts, offer suggestions, share insights and give back to others. The Facebook page is not a repeat of the Leadership Freak (LF) blog. Stop in and share your thoughts. I’m listening. You can enhance Leadership Freak influence by clicking “Like” to join.

Numbers continue to grow. Views are up 30% from December. Typically LF has more views in one day than it did the entire month of January, 2010. Readership spans the globe. Thanks for your support and participation. If you find LF useful, I hope you’ll invite your colleagues and friends to subscribe. Reading LF takes about 90 seconds. You could change a person’s day.

Additionally, there have been over 6,000 comments over the last year. I read and enjoy every comment. For example, recently Ajay and Al expanded my thinking by explaining the scope and limits of passion.

Ajay wrote: “I think when passion is to achieve tangible things, then it usually blinds the person. On the other hand, when it is based on intangible things like creation of trust, reputation, knowledge building and doing something impossible which is not directly connected to any material gains, then it does not blind.”

Al added, “I tend to agree with Ajay’s take on this however, and differentiate motivation from passion. Perhaps we are just “dancing” around semantics here but I believe the distinction is important.”

You can read their insights in the comments on “Passion Blinds You.”

Finally, I’ve begun doing a limited amount of coaching and consulting in the leadership and social media arena. Drop me a note if I can be helpful at dan@leadershipfreak.com.

If I could do it all again

American humorist Dave Barry said, “You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.” Ouch!

Looking back with regret doesn’t help, looking back to learn does. If I could take my experience and go back to restart my leadership career, I’d be …

… less critical and more affirming. I didn’t realize how easy it is to criticize and how powerful affirmations are.

… less project driven and more people focused. Projects are alluring because they proclaim success. Pouring your life into people is less predictable, less measurable, and yet, more enduring and powerful. “One of the signs of passing youth is the birth of a sense of fellowship with other human beings as we take our place among them,” Virginia Woolf.

… less eager to offer answers. I knew “too much.”

… less angry. Anger is one pathetic strategy for getting what you want.

… less of a liar and more true to myself. The desire to please others motivated me to hide my true feelings, thoughts, and desires.

… less worried about succeeding and more focused on enjoying.

… a better listener!

… accountable to a coach or mentor.

… kinder and gentler. I hear people saying they don’t regret anything and I think I get that. Regardless, I’m sad I unnecessarily hurt others.

… proactive not reactive.

… a journaler.

Pablo Picasso insightfully said, “Youth has no age.” Even though you can’t take your experience back to your youth, you can bring youth to your experience.

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If you could go back to your youth, what, if anything, would you do differently?

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Don’t miss a single issue of Leadership Freak, subscribe today. It’s free.  It’s private.  Go to the main page of Leadership Freak by clicking the banner at the top of this page, look in the right-hand navigation bar, enter your email and click subscribe.  Your email address is always kept private.  Note:  if it doesn’t arrive, check your spam filter for a confirmation email.

Face-draggers Anonymous

Mom used to say, “Stand up straight Danny.” Danny’s my given name and when I go home they still call me that.

Mom lives in Florida now and I have a problem. When I walk and think, I lower my head. Perhaps walking and thinking at the same time is dangerous but I like living on the edge.

Then it hits me. My head is hanging down and I’m walking like the hunch back of Notre Dame.  Sorry Mom.

Frankly, I’m lucky I’m tall.  If I was short, I’d be a stumbling face-dragger, tripping over my own chin.

The cares of life, urgent needs, and deadlines weigh people down. We say things like, “Carrying a burden.” Or, “You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders.” Beyond that, we constantly talk to ourselves with an inner voice that isn’t always affirming.

Here’s the profound lesson of the day.

Hold your head up.

Your breathing changes and you’ll feel better if you simply hold your head up.  Now don’t get all cocky and hold your nose in the air. Just lift your eyes from the ground, raise your head, and breathe. It’s funny how a little change makes a big difference.

Advanced users might try throwing their shoulders back to enhance the effect. Just don’t make it too complicated.

Seriously, I find holding my head up, lifts my attitude, relaxes my breathing, and helps me get back in the moment.

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What simple, little things can leaders do to make their day better?

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Don’t miss a single issue of Leadership Freak, subscribe today. It’s free.  It’s private.  Go to the main page of Leadership Freak by clicking the banner at the top of this page, look in the right-hand navigation bar, enter your email and click subscribe.  Your email address is always kept private.  Note:  if it doesn’t arrive, check your spam filter for a confirmation email.

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Like a post more intellectually rigorous? Try:

Passion Blinds You

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Today’s post is a rewrite of “Face dragger“

Passion blinds you

You can’t have a logical conversation with an angry person? You can’t reason with an emotional person. Logic and reason may incite them. Passions blind them.

Please understand, I’m all for passion. Garry V. says, “Passion trumps everything.” He might be a bit over-passionate with that statement. But it holds powerful insight. On the other hand …

Passion has a down side

Recently I chatted with a passionate success-driven businessperson that’s blinded by passion. He consistently ignores obvious truths in order to continue holding to false beliefs. During our conversation, I simply repeated his own assessments of the situation. Upon hearing his own assessments, he rejected them. His replies consistently began with, “Yes but…” and “Not really.”

Examples of blindness

Passion to reach sales goals may blind you to your rudeness with support staff.

Passion to climb the corporate ladder may blind you to unethical behaviors.

In the past, my passion to lead a vision-driven organization caused me to neglect important steps in the change management process.

The highest danger point

The initial stages of passionate-vision make some feel they know more than they know and they can do more than they can do. They minimize the skill, energy, finances, and time required to fulfill their vision while magnifying real and imagined opportunities.

Unreasonable

In addition, it’s hard to reason with a person that’s filled with the emotion of passionate vision. Passion may close the mind.

Suggestions

1. Acknowledging that passion may cause blindness is a good beginning.
2. Explain the blindness dynamic to a friend that can speak the truth to you. Invite them to point out your blind behaviors. When they speak, close your mouth and open your ears.
3. Try selling your passionate vision to a dispassionate outsider. Their questions and evaluations may open your eyes to realities you’re blind to.

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Can you share some examples of passion-induced blindness?

How can leaders deal with blindness that’s caused by passion?

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Don’t miss a single issue of Leadership Freak, subscribe today. It’s free.  It’s private.  Go to the main page of Leadership Freak by clicking the banner at the top of this page, look in the right-hand navigation bar, enter your email and click subscribe.  Your email address is always kept private.  Note:  if it doesn’t arrive, check your spam filter for a confirmation email.

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Yesterday’s post explains another down-side of passion.

When Passion Gets in the Way

When Passion gets in the Way

It happened again. My passion for vision-driven-living ended a conversation and squashed an opportunity to connect and engage.

There were six of us sitting around the table at lunch. I said to the person opposite me, “If I asked you to pour your life into mine, what I would become?” They asked for clarification. So I said, “If you mentored me where would you take me?”

By the time my lunch partner finished talking, the entire table was quietly listening. Upon concluding, he looked across the table and extended the appropriate social courtesy by turning the question in my direction.

Opportunities to describe the energizing power and guiding value of vision-driven-living get me rolling.

I began well enough. However, before long, I was drawing imaginary targets and vigorously tracing invisible lines on the table. I unintentionally steam rolled my table mate and fellow eaves droppers with my passion.

Upon concluding my soliloquy we began eating silence for dessert. What could they say? My passion silenced them. Gradually, people turned to each other and started side conversations. Awkward! Worse, I missed an opportunity to connect and perhaps influence.

Bold passion works in large public gatherings, quiet confidence at lunch.

This isn’t the first time I’ve written on this topic. I wrote, “The Power of Calm” and “Creating Passion with Managed Emotion.” However, it’s one thing to know, it’s another to execute.

Pushing away or drawing in

I know you want positive influence with others. Relationship opens the door to influence. Furthermore, the closer the relationship the greater the potential influence.

While in relational contexts, one-sided passion may overwhelm and push people away. Quiet calm draws them in.

Leadership success, frequently, is based on stopping ineffective behaviors not developing new ones. I need to stop overwhelming small groups and individuals with my passion.

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What other leader-behaviors hinder relationship building in one-on-ones and with small groups?

Your Mouth Makes You Dumb

There’s an inverse relationship between speaking and learning. The more you speak the less you learn. The only exception is when you open your mouth to ask questions. In other words, your mouth makes you dumb your ears make you smart.

Getting more suggestions

The more answers you offer the fewer suggestions you’ll get. Combine this with the tendency of others to tell you what you want to hear and you have a formula for dumb leaders and slow organizations.

Awkward silence

Silence helps others talk. During conversations, try holding your tongue just to the point of awkward silence. I’ve found, if I wait, others begin speaking just before I open my mouth. At the executive level, quickness of speech silences others.

Warning

The right amount of silence makes you seem smart. Too much silence makes you look dumb. Additionally, too much silence makes you seem withdrawn, even judgmental. It’s important to question, contribute, affirm, guide, and assign.

Stop interrupting

Research shows that powerful leaders interrupt others. Have you seen people almost waiting to be interrupted by a leader? I have. They’ve come to expect it from those in power.

Short spurts

Abbreviate the length of time you speak. If you’re a talker, it’s likely you talk too long, give too many details, and offer too many suggestions.

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What personal speaking strategies can leaders employ to enhance learning and invite participation?

How do you determine how much to speak and when to listen?

Image source

If you liked this post you may like:

Hearing what isn’t said.

In praise of questions.

Fatigue and self-acceptance

Persistent fatigue is your opportunity to say something stupid, do something wrong, lose your temper, forget details, and destroy your health. (Adapted from Harvard Health)

Driving to success may drive you past tired to persistent fatigue. If it does, success is at risk.

Your desire to please others may drive you to exhaustion. However, exhausted people-pleasers don’t please any one.

Worst of all, in a world preaching self-acceptance, those living in persistent fatigue clearly reject themselves. They reject the limits of humanity.

I suggest persistent fatigue reflects short-sighted, fear-based, self-rejection.

Defeating Fatigue

Doing something new may defeat fatigue. For example, if you’re social, leave work and spend time with friends.

Give yourself permission to take a 10 minute mid-morning and mid-afternoon walk. Slow your pace, breathe deeply, and take in the sights.

Visit your doctor. Chronic fatigue may indicate sleep or other health issues.

If you let your hobby slip, find it again. If you don’t have one, finding one may help.

Most importantly, accept who you are. Freely embrace the limitations of your humanity. “No Limits,” at best, is a good marketing slogan. Don’t believe it.

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What suggestions do you have for those with persistent fatigue?

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Don’t miss a single issue of Leadership Freak, subscribe today. It’s free.  It’s private.  Go to the main page of Leadership Freak by clicking the banner at the top of this page, look in the right-hand navigation bar, enter your email and click subscribe.  Your email address is always kept private.  Note:  if it doesn’t arrive, check your spam filter for a confirmation email.

No encouragement is discouragement

Those who make a difference, encourage.

Encouragement infuses others with courage, hope, and confidence. Sounds like a good thing. So…

Who have you encouraged in the last day or week? You’ve been meaning to say the good word. You’ve intended to offer a listening ear. But you’re dealing with too many issues and solving so many problems that encouraging others slipped off the agenda.

I don’t think there’s middle ground. Either you encourage, or through neglect, you discourage.

Evaluate your encouragement.

Find out if you encourage by sending an email asking, “Have you ever felt encouraged by something I’ve said or done?” If they say yes, ask them to explain the behavior. “I want to improve my encouragement skills. What did I do or say that encouraged you?”

Create an encouragement calendar.

Write the names of people you plan to encourage on your calendar. One name a day is a good start. Friday is the receptionist’s day. Saturday is your daughter’s day. Monday it’s the colleague down the hall. Tuesday it’s the boss.

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What can leaders do to encourages others?