All leaders experience the loneliness of leadership.
Leading is strenuous work. You test yourself and others. Relationship boundaries stretch and occasionally break. In addition, change, innovation, or new initiatives may cause past loyalties to evaporate.
If you’ve never experienced the loneliness of leadership I wonder if you’ve ever led. Having said that, persistent leadership-loneliness is self-inflicted.
12 Reasons you’re a lonely leader
- Going too far too fast
- Waiting for people to appreciate you
- Faking who you are
- Shutting others out
- Sharing conclusions rather than processes
- Not building a support network
- Expecting agreement and rejecting dissent
- Believing leaders are omniscient and omnipotent
- Emotionally investing in unexamined ideas
- Using people for selfish reasons
- Not building a culture of ownership
- Investing more in projects and programs than people
Personally
Beyond the list of 12, I feel leadership-loneliness when I feel out of step with others. I find I care about things it seems others don’t care about. I feel most isolated when people I care about make negative assumptions about my motives.
Legitimate reasons
There are legitimate reasons leaders feel lonely. Suffering because you’re keeping a confidence feels lonely. Following a dream that others don’t understand creates distance.
Top 5 cures for leadership-loneliness
Looking over the list of reasons leaders are lonely helps me uncover some cures.
- Be who you are – take time to reflect. Faking drains you.
- Listen to dissent and examining your passions early in the process.
- Build a support network.
- Create a culture of ownership.
- Engage others in the process.
**********
Why are leaders lonely?
How can leaders deal with loneliness?
**********
Thanks to the folks that shared their insights on loneliness in the Leadership Freak Coffee Shop on Facebook. You added value to this post.
**********
Don’t miss a single issue of Leadership Freak, subscribe today. It’s free. It’s private. Go to the main page of Leadership Freak by clicking the banner at the top of this page, look in the right-hand navigation bar, enter your email and click subscribe. Your email address is always kept private. Note: if it doesn’t arrive, check your spam filter for a confirmation email.
Tags: Leadership Development
April 20, 2011 at 7:55 am |
Dear Dan,
Leaders are lonely because they create space. All the 12 reasons create space between leaders and others. More the reason, more the space and vice versa.
More the space,, more the leadership loneliness and vice versa. Leaders create space to protect their weaknesses and interest. They are self focused and that is the reason they perceive they are leaders and others do not accept them as leader. I have seen the people engaged in creating space often have more masks on their faces. They do not respond directly, they make the things complex. And that is their USP. Leaders can deal with loneliness by narrowing space and knowing themselves. I think, knowing,accepting and connecting are the key to become leaders. They should know who they are, strengths and weaknesses etc. After knowing they should accept it openly and finally you should connect with people.
While it seems simple to do that, it is very difficult to practice it. But, when leaders practice it, they transform themselves.
April 20, 2011 at 8:17 am |
Hi Dan
)
I think Ajay is on the money – I like the ‘space’ analogy. I do find it very challenging though when one of your own staff creates ‘space’ and doesn’t respond in the ususal manner. That creates frustration for me and then creates ‘space’ from me to them. It is a difficult and challenging cycle to jump out of.
I think as soon as we start feeling different we can become lonely. It is amazing the energy you put out without saying or doing anything.
My top tip – smile, keep smiling, always be positive (impossible I know) and you can only be attractive (hey there must be a ‘law’ there
Go well. Richard
April 20, 2011 at 8:19 am |
P.S. That is one sorry Dog you got there Dan!
April 20, 2011 at 8:23 am |
Dan, it strikes me as interesting that the majority of the 5 cures for loneliness you listed involve intentional action by the leader relating to others (#2, 3, 5).
Is it any wonder? We were created for community. I suppose that’s why emotional intelligence is so critical to a leader’s impact.
April 20, 2011 at 9:34 am |
Interesting post, Dan.
I just finished reading a book one client suggested: Make the Noise Go Away (by Larry Linne). While not particularly well written and not specifically targeting the issue of loneliness, the book highlights the importance of a strong second-in-command. This individual, properly selected, provides first-in-commands with a counterbalance, accountability, a partner-in-crime, and best of all, frees up the leader to focus on the work they like and do best. Those strike me as all pretty good antidotes to loneliness.
April 20, 2011 at 9:42 am |
I think leaders are often lonely because they want to be. while wanting space, they also don’t want a lot of accountability in some areas. (Not all but some). I also concur with Scott’s assessment.
April 20, 2011 at 9:52 am |
Having just read Lead with Luv by Ken Blanchard and Colleen Barrett, it seems to me that Southwest has created a culture where C-level execs can’t feel lonely even though they do handle activities that create a level of separation from the rest of the company.
It’s inspiring to read about how the culture was formed, nutured, and is safeguarded by everyone in the organization.
April 20, 2011 at 10:29 am |
One of the first types of leaders that came to mind for me was leaders of ministry, who have specific business-type demands but are also expected (more than the average businessperson) to be (singlehandedly at times) a source of emotional support for a large amount of people while leading an exemplary life. Ministry or regular, however, I think there is a tendency for leaders to lose touch with their inner core of people, the ones who really don’t care if the balance sheet aligned or the strategic plan got finished, who just appreciate the leader for who he or she is. If a leader has enough of those people in his or her life (and will let them “in”), then the leader will be much more equipped to deal with other kinds of situational loneliness.
April 20, 2011 at 11:25 am |
I really like this post, it reflects many of my own experiences. I just sent it to a ‘new’ leader in our community to help her get on the right track (hopefully!) Appreciate it!
April 20, 2011 at 11:27 am |
Have to wonder if you are a true leader if you are actively engaged in any of those 12 elements o’ loneliness.
2, 4 & 8 seem to be a particularly toxic combo for the person who wants the credit, wants the control and has a limited vision.
As far as cures, definitely build an organic, evolving network (inside and out) and not only listen to dissent, encourage it…in a healthy way, but encourage it. If dissent is not there, appoint someone to be the designated dissenter…what a great role to have!
April 20, 2011 at 3:47 pm |
I accepted loneliness as part of the leadership role and also mitigated it by having a coach, a gang of other CEOs that got together once a month to share travails and solutions (complete confidentiality, of course), and pushing myself to invite staff and Board into my thinking and the process.
April 21, 2011 at 9:47 pm |
When a leader has genuine care for the folks he’s leading; when she empathizes and has compassion even through the tough decisions; when he earnestly wants the team to succeed, and is even happy when an individual member outshines him; when she is not afraid to hire someone who could turn out to have more ability than she has herself; when the joy of the process is as powerful a motivator as the outcome; when he is interested in developing his employees and team; when she is warmed by the success of co-creation with capable contributors, or genuinely and respectfully (with team) valuing the learnings of unexpected outcomes… well, how could one feel lonely in such circumstances?
April 23, 2011 at 5:02 pm |
I like your stuff!!
May 14, 2011 at 9:19 am |
Enjoyed reading your thoughts on lonely leaders and the replies. Have you read The New Earth by Eckhart Tolle? Although not a book on leadership as it is mostly focused on dealing with ones ego however, I find it very relevant to leaders personal development on leading effectively. Based on my work with those that lead practicing situational leadership is the most appropriate cure for lonely leaders.
June 26, 2011 at 9:06 am |
Great tips makes a lot of sense. Thanks for the wisdom
July 7, 2011 at 1:27 pm |
Wonderful thought! So leadership loneliness is a message to you, an indicator, that you’re doing these 12 things (or some of them) wrong! You cure it by modifying your own conduct, not by seeking out company. That’s quite profound!
David Lapin
Author: Lead By Greatness
http://LeadByGreatness.com