The Top 25 Ways to Win Arguments

1. Don’t focus on winning or losing; focus on achieving objectives.
2. Interrupting to make your point is pointless.
3. Be smart not right. You aren’t finding the right answer; you’re searching for the better alternative.
4. Focus on progress rather than perfect solutions.
5. Trying to solve the past is futile; you can, however, move in better directions.
6. Give ground on peripheral or non-essential points.
7. Keep things simple. Complexity stalls solutions.
8. Never tell someone what they think; ask them.
9. Never let someone tell you what you think.
10. Your “opponent” will use over-statements and unrealistic conclusions to invalidate your goals.
11. Your opponent will make you angry. When they do, you lose.
12. Keep an open posture.
13. Remove barriers and obstacles. Create a clear path across the table or desk. Better yet step away from the desk.
14. Physically align yourself with them. Rather than face-to-face, stand beside.
15. Talk while taking a walk.
16. Be pleasant but not jovial.
17. When they raise their voice, lower yours.
18. Use “and” more than “but” because “but” is an eraser. For example, I agree with you but…, diminish agreements.
19. Show respect; don’t get personal.
20. Identify your opponent’s objectives and agree where possible. Help them win before you win.
21. Explore your opponent’s options.
22. Address your opponent’s fears.
23. Use experts and research.
24. Speak to the heart – if they have one.
25. Stay on point. Distractions are normal.

Bonus: Solve issues before arguments erupt.

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Which point or  points do you find most useful?

How do you “win” arguments?

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You’re more prepared than you think

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Changing the outside world begins with changes inside you.

We change before we change others.

Sometimes we change from the outside-in. Once, when I was a young man, I was fired. That event radically changed me and the course of my life.

Other times, change emerges from the inside-out. Dissatisfaction drives inside-out change. Dissatisfaction lies behind dreams.

Reality Check:

Dissatisfaction and dreams don’t create change agents.

Change agents are dissatisfied – Big hairy deal! Everyone I know is dissatisfied with stuff in their lives. Dissatisfaction doesn’t make them change agents.

Change agents dream – Big hairy deal! Everyone I know dreams. Dreams don’t produce agents of change.

Change agents build on changes in their own lives.

Think back to graduation, marriage, births, new jobs, divorce, near death experiences, books, people, failures, education, and other events that changed you. You’re standing on a platform of personal change that empowers your leadership.

• Failures teach you thing to avoid, modify or improve.
• Successes teach you things to repeat and improve.

One more “SMALL” thing.

Lean toward not away from doing. Dissatisfaction and dreams won’t take you anywhere. The final and essential component of authentic leadership is action.

Natural desires to avoid discomfort hinder success. Run toward not away from dissatisfaction. Play in the mud but remain positive. Embrace a can-do orientation even while seeing the worst.

You’re dissatisfied right now. So what?

You’re wishing for something better. Big deal!

How have your experiences prepared you to do something about your dissatisfactions and dreams? You are more capable and more prepared than you think. Do something now and adjust as you go.

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How has your past prepared you to do something today?

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Adapted from: Becoming an Authentic Leader

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The Question that Changes You

Failures and questions:

Failure humbles you by demonstrating your lack of knowledge and ability. Failures, additionally, burst the bubble of perceived control. Failure breaks up old ways of thinking and doing.

Failures are followed by nagging questions. What would you do differently? What have you learned? These are good questions but they aren’t life changing.

Successes and questions:

Success lifts you by demonstrating your knowledge and abilities. Success establishes current ways of thinking and doing.

Successes are followed by confirming questions. What did you do right? What will you do again? As well as, how will you improve? These are good questions but they aren’t life changing.

Questions that don’t change you:

Thinking about strategies and methods enhances your knowledge and skills but that thinking won’t change you.

The question that changes you:

I asked a leader I’m coaching how his recent experiences changed the way he viewed himself.

The question that changes you is about “being” not “doing”. Engage in self-reflection by asking – how have my experiences changed the way I think about me.

Stepping across:

Your answers may encourage your heart and expand your vision. Don’t assume, on the other hand, you’ll always be lifted by the question that changes you. You may not like what comes to light. Self-reflection, whether comfortable or uncomfortable, opens the door to leadership based on being.  Courageously step across that threshold.

You’ll find the path to personal fulfillment and fruitful leadership when being informs doing; when who you are frames what you do.

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How is your view of yourself changing?

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How to Keep Elephants out of the Hall

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There’s a bull elephant in the hall. He first appeared as a nit but problems almost always grow. Everyone sees the problem but no one’s talking.

Successful leaders point out the obvious.

It’s likely you don’t like conflict. You adopt strategies that keep you out of confrontational conversations and stressful situations. Susan Shearouse says, “The goal of some managers is to make it from their office to the elevator without talking with anyone.”

A frequently ignored problem:

“On survey after survey the biggest complaint workers have is the perceived unwillingness of managers to take action against poor performers.” (From: Conflict 101)

Ignoring obvious performance issues is an elephant that drains vitality and demoralizes dedicated employees.

Picking nits:

Deal with elephants before they become elephants; become a nitpicker. Force yourself to dig in and start picking early. Silence is consent. Tolerating minor infractions eventually affirms bad habits. 

1. Ask questions that expose the obvious before the obvious becomes oppressive. Keep asking.
2. Don’t let anger fuel your courage.
3. Gently explain that small infringements may have big impact on others.

Dealing with elephants:

1. Plan your conversation. Identify the desired outcome and explain your intent up front. Determine the type of conversation you desire and stick with it.
2. Explain the impact of behaviors on organizational mission. If you attack a person they will become defensive, offensive, or they will clam up.
3. Create a framework of safety by dealing with fears, both yours and theirs. For example, don’t feel pressure to deal with an elephant if it’s brought up in a public meeting. Say, we can deal   with that later.Deal with an employee’s fears. For example, if your conversation isn’t an official reprimand, let them know.

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Do you put off difficult conversations?

What conflict resolution techniques work best for you?

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This post is based on an informative and insightful conversation I had with Susan Shearouse. Check out her book, “Conflict 101: A Managers Guide to Resolving Problems so Everyone Can Get Back to Work.”

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Four Stages to Greatness

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Leading is serving; serving is living. Serving is the path to greatness; serving is greatness. You are great when you serve.

Stage one:

Serve yourself. Learn that you are important as a person and useful as a leader. Develop your skills. Nurture your spirit. Feed your mind. Make yourself the center. It’s all about you.

Stage two:

Serve others for what you receive. Work for honor, respect, even a paycheck. Live a life based on barter. You give in order to get. The more you give the more you receive.

Stage three:

Serve others for the sake of serving. In youth we serve ourselves. In adolescence we serve for what we receive. In maturity we serve for the sake of serving. Serving is noble in itself.

Stage three is the step where we serve regardless of opinion or applause; we’ve found ourselves. It’s the stage where growing self-knowledge instills personal confidence. It’s when leaders begin to emerge.

Stage four:

Exponential influence begins the moment we begin serving others so others can serve others. In the beginning it’s all about us. In the end it’s all about them.

Serving others so others can serve others shifts our thinking about ourselves. Others move into the spotlight while we move off-center. Our mission becomes multiplication rather than individual success. It’s the stage of extraordinary fruitfulness.

Find someone who will serve others:

Find a person with passion and pour yourself into them for their benefit not for yours. Education, intelligence, talent, heritage, and experience are important but passion trumps them all.

All four stages are present in mature leaders. There is, however, more of stage four than all the others.

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Have you experienced a similar progression to mine?

Can you describe your progressive growth as a leader? 

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How to Solve “With” not “For”

Yesterday I posted, “22 Ways to Dramatically Increase Your Influence.” I’m expanding on number seven.

“Struggles strengthen; don’t solve stresses for others – solve stresses with others.

When your team’s winning, stay on the sidelines and cheer. When things start going badly, get involved – but not too quickly.

Intervention suggests others can’t achieve without you. Stepping-in indicates others aren’t capable; it’s a subtle form of rejection. It doesn’t build people; it tears them down.

Struggles strengthen. Challenges, stress, and confusion are the context of growth and learning. Allow time for good people to rise up and win without you. Tightly monitor, however, key success factors. Your interest and involvement indicates priorities; it creates heightened accountability.

Indirect help: Don’t solve for – solve with.

Identify go-to resources. Great leaders build a pool of resources they can call when projects falter – “go-to” people. For example, a new project manager just hit a brick wall and in frustration calls for help. When you determine they really need help, point them to resources that can help. Say, “I think Bob or Mary have expertise in this area. Give them a call.”

Tell go-to people your expectations. It’s not unusual for me to call and explain the level of intervention most useful at the time. I’ll let a go-to person know when I expect them to offer suggestions and when they should save the day.

Suggestions place responsibility where it belongs. Deadlines, costs, or other factors may, however, require a save-the-day moment.

Saving the day humbles and creates respect in those being helped. Suggestions, on the other hand, build their skill-set and strengthens them by keeping them under the gun.

Why?

The best thing leaders do is get things done while developing others.

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How do you solve “with” rather than “for”?

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22 Ways to Dramatically Increase Your Influence

Some leaders are born; most are made. Long-term, powerful influence is never an accident; it’s always intentional.  Experience and research indicates these 22 principles and behaviors dramatically increase leadership-influence.

1. Extend honor rather than demanding respect.
2. Dream bigger for others than they dream for themselves.
3. Serve others – they don’t serve you.
4. Build confidence by spotlighting successes.
5. Provide opportunities in new contexts. A series of small wins magnifies potential.
6. Focus on next levels more than perfecting current skills.
7. Struggles strengthen; don’t solve stresses for others – solve stresses with others. Expanded here.
8. Give authority.
9. Embrace high standards.
10. Expect accountability.
11. Listen to and occasionally speak into fears.
12. Lift them to the point where they lift others.
13. Question, occasionally suggest, always encourage, sometimes confront.
14. Align correction with their values and vision not yours.
15. Don’t pressure them; they will pressure themselves.
16. Let them point out their own weaknesses. When they assess their weaknesses accurately, agree. Don’t soften the sting.
17. Humbly share your failures.
18. Ask permission before correcting.
19. Use language that expresses their values.
20. Focus on practice more than theory. Solve a problem.
21. Be honest but not adversarial.
22. Always come back to purpose. ”Why” is the central component of “what”.

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What behavior has enhanced your influence?

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Marginal Success Creates Exponential Potential

Ignorance and uncertainty indicate you’re breaking new ground.

Yesterday’s after action meeting confirms ignorance is stressful, slow, and expensive. The team determined our last innovative initiative could be executed more effectively with half the budget. I’m delighted not disappointed.

Ignorance is expensive but unavoidable during innovation.

Hire or Develop?

You can hire experienced talent when new initiatives are high cost, high risk, and beyond your experience. Low risk, low cost initiatives, on the other hand, provide learning opportunities that develop leaders and exponentially enhance organizational potential.

Results?

During low cost, low risk innovations, focus on process and procedure goals more than outcome goals. For example, the marketing team can determine the methods, channels, and extent of their efforts. They cannot, however, predict results.

Avoid arbitrary goals. For example, don’t say our target is X number of new customers. Do say we are reaching X number of homes in this geographic region through direct mail, radio spots, and newspaper ads.

Expectations?

Expectations determine organizational assessment and attitude.

Several times during the recently completed initiative I told our entire organization: “This is an experiment. Trying something is better than doing nothing. We’re going to work hard to achieve great results and see what happens.”

Everything we did was new to us. Ignorance was high, confidence was low. A “let’s try this” approach created a safe learning environment.

Tough, honest assessments offset the cost of ignorance by creating learning opportunities.

The best thing?

We achieved acceptable, not stellar results. We have, however, more potential today than we had three months ago.

Proper expectations enabled the team to evaluate this initiative in ways that extend vision and fuel passion. They’re engaged, confident, and motivated for round two.

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What factors make innovation successful even when optimal results aren’t achieved?

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Don’t miss a single issue of Leadership Freak, subscribe today. It’s free.  It’s private.  Go to the main page of Leadership Freak by clicking the banner at the top of this page, look in the right-hand navigation bar, enter your email and click subscribe.  Your email address is always kept private.  Note:  if it doesn’t arrive, check your spam filter for a confirmation email.

Five things that tick me off!

I’m declaring this “Whining Wednesday,” again.  About 7 months ago I had great fun getting a few things off my chest. Many readers enjoyed adding their own irritations to my list.

Don’t bother offering to help. I’m not looking for solutions. I’m just whining.

Five things that tick me off (or at least irritate me):

1. Over the top gushy emotion – ugh!
2. Drama – Deal with it and move on.
3. Those going nowhere criticizing those working to go somewhere – lead follow or get out of the way.
4. People who don’t say what they really think – just stop talking.
5. Loooonnnnngggg boring meetings that are tightly controlled – send an email or write a book, sheesh!

What ticks you off?

What’s the burr under your saddle, stone in your shoe, or tack in your chair? Feel free to post under a false name. Go ahead, take a walk on the dark side.

If one of my irritants is one of yours, write it anyway – misery loves company.

Self-reflection.

Exploring your irritations opens the backdoor to understanding your values.

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Here are the results from the last time we had “Whining Wednesday.”

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16 Enlightening Communication Principles

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I’m intentional with 20% of my words; the rest is vain babbling.

I’ve never left a meeting wishing I spoke more. I have, on the other hand, continued speaking after running out of  things to say.

Words, on the good side, influence and transform. They are the cheapest yet most powerful tool available to all leaders. Words lift or push down, enlighten or confuse, energize or de-motivate, and create or destroy.

The Power of Words:

1. Flatterers puff you up so you’ll lift them up.
2. Backstabbers secretly invite you to condemn yourself by inviting you to condemn others.
3. Always answer a question with a question.
4. Casually spoken words cut. Stop blabbing.
5. The rule for words is restraint: fewer words are better than many words. Churchill said, “We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out.”
6. Words limit and create bondage like a snare. Avoid unnecessary promises and commitments.
7. Life giving words are intentional; seldom accidental.
8. Intentionally energize rather than accidentally demotivate with your words.
9. Harsh words invite harshness.
10. Gentle words drain drama and anger.
11. Quiet words enable better than loud words.
12. Loud words excite or overwhelm; more frequently they overwhelm.
13. Avoid whisperers they manipulate.
14. Behaviorally speaking lying is hatred.
15. Never publicly improve the boss’s words.
16. Embrace the two to one rule. Ask two questions – at a minimum – before making statements.

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What have you learned about the power of words?

How can leaders use words more effectively?

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