- Don’t focus on winning or losing; focus on achieving objectives.
- Interrupting to make your point is pointless.
- Be smart not right. You aren’t finding the right answer; you’re searching for the better alternative.
- Focus on progress rather than perfect solutions.
- Trying to solve the past is futile; you can, however, move in better directions.
- Give ground on peripheral or non-essential points.
- Keep things simple. Complexity stalls solutions.
- Never tell someone what they think; ask them.
- Never let someone tell you what you think.
- Your “opponent” will use over-statements and unrealistic conclusions to invalidate your goals.
- Your opponent will make you angry. When they do, you lose.
- Keep an open posture.
- Remove barriers and obstacles. Create a clear path across the table or desk. Better yet step away from the desk.
- Physically align yourself with them. Rather than face-to-face, stand beside.
- Talk while taking a walk.
- Be pleasant but not jovial.
- When they raise their voice, lower yours.
- Use “and” more than “but” because “but” is an eraser. For example, I agree with you but…, diminish agreements.
- Show respect; don’t get personal.
- Identify your opponent’s objectives and agree where possible. Help them win before you win.
- Explore your opponent’s options.
- Address your opponent’s fears.
- Use experts and research.
- Speak to the heart – if they have one.
- Stay on point. Distractions are normal.
Bonus: Solve issues before arguments erupt.
**********
Which point or points do you find most useful?
How do you “win” arguments?
**********
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Tags: Conflict Resolution, Leadership, Leadership Development
June 30, 2011 at 7:01 am |
Ah, my favorite topic. What a fabulous list, Dan. Rather than selecting the one I consider most useful as you suggest, I’d like to add two more that I also like:
+ Listen first to understand before speaking to be understood (that tried and true Covey motto)
+ We don’t have to attend every argument we’re invited to. I don’t know who first said this one but I like it and it is certainly useful.
June 30, 2011 at 7:20 am |
Hi Cinnie,
Thanks for stopping in this morning. I love the Covey quote you added. I hadn’t heard the “invitation” quote but it makes sense. Reminds me of, “choose your battles carefully.”
Sometimes ego motivates us to set out to win everything.
Best to you,
Dan
June 30, 2011 at 8:11 am |
I love your second quote! It’s going on my bulletin board. Thanks.
June 30, 2011 at 8:03 am |
Good list, Dan. It is important that we stay focused on what is essential, and not on the “win.” We are easily distracted if we get caught up in the heat of battle.
My personal favorite, and the one I use most often, is to speak low and slow when they are getting cranked up. This is also a tactic that I use to reel MYSELF back in, as well. If I feel that my voice is getting louder or that I am getting agitated, I can come back to a saner stance and saner voice by slowing down.
June 30, 2011 at 8:09 am |
I think #6 has a lot of practicality – I often ask myself, “Is this a hill I’m willing to fight to the death on?” These are all great points, though. I remember being asked recently whether I wanted to be right, or wanted to be effective. Too often it’s easy to see discussions as something to win, when the point really is to move toward a resolution. Once you stop caring who gets credit for being right, you clear a lot of your own emotional trash out of the way.
June 30, 2011 at 8:14 am |
Dear Dan,
All the points are useful. However, I follow ” Keep things simple, explore your opponents options, respect others and address your opponents fear. I try to win argument by understanding the opponents intention, logic and knowledge. I also check the seriousness of person and problem. I avoid discussion with Person with little knowledge and more ego. Even I try to avoid discussion with ignorant person,But even ignorant person with flexible to learn is better than ignorant person per se.
When the intention of the person is not right, then discussing anything is not useful. So, to make discussion healthy and useful one need to see resilience, adaptability and respect.
Arrogance, ignorance and bad intention hinder the healthy discussion.
June 30, 2011 at 10:14 am |
I’ve been searching for a replacement for “but” and this one is a keeper. But always reminded me of “but here’s how you’re wrong”. Thanks for providing the missing word for my vocab. It will go a long way professionally and personally.
June 30, 2011 at 10:34 am |
“When they raise their voice, lower yours.” This is great wisdom because it not only is a sign of maturity, but it can also be an expression authority. Love it. Thanks for posting this!
June 30, 2011 at 10:38 am |
Great list of counter-intuitive ideas! One of my favorite all-time books is “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” It’s full of common-sense ideas for dealing with people. This should have been a chapter in the book!
June 30, 2011 at 10:59 am |
I’ve found one that helps me enormously in heated situations — our Buddhist brothers and sisters know this — Let go of the outcome. Suddenly, you begin listening much differently. The view shifts.
June 30, 2011 at 11:21 am |
Great advice. Thanks.
June 30, 2011 at 11:34 am |
Which point or points do you find most useful?
How do you “win” arguments?
I couldn’t quote a single passage of “Getting to Yes,” which I read a long time ago but I remember agreeing with the premise – that often a conflict can be resolved in a way that meets the needs of both parties or at least allows them to walk away without feeling like a “loser.” I suppose that’s most closely aligned with #20 “help them win before you win.”
I would also point out something that I believe is assumed in this list but bears repeating: Step away from the computer screen and look the other party in the eyes. Arguments by email are terribly frustrating and unproductive (and leave a paper trail of “half thoughts” that no one really wants to be circulating).
As far as how I “win” arguments. I think prevailing on the points that matter most to me is still something I have to work on from an assertiveness standpoint. Part of it involves getting the person alone in a non threatening environment first so we can talk somewhat free of emotion. Makes things less complicated.
June 30, 2011 at 11:41 am |
Shared with an Elist of people who call themselves Postmodern therapists, but amuse me when they fall into arguing their ideas of truth.
Gregory Bateson said “Communication is response.” I find that extremely helpful to keep in mind. If I am not getting the response I am seeking, I better better attend to the response I am getting for it tells me a great deal about the other and myself.
Thank you for this, helps me stay strong.
November 1, 2011 at 10:29 am |
Love your point about communicatiion is a response & if you’re not getting the response you’re seeking, attend to the response your getting.
I think too many people get caught up in trying to make their point & forget to take into account what the other person is hearing. I will use this in the future to help me de-escalate by paying attention to the other person’s responses.
June 30, 2011 at 12:47 pm |
Dan,
This post will be studied, shared and hung in my office. New Yorkers love to debate. We will debate about anything and everything including who is the best debater.
Although more than half of my life has been spent outside of NY, there must be some DNA that maintains some of those traits that I continue to battle.
When in the sales environment, the characteristics that I battle are easier to suppress than when I am in a more comfortable environment.
Gary
June 30, 2011 at 12:52 pm |
Hi Dan, enjoy reading your blog posts and Tweets. Thanks!
All 25 ideas you listed resonate and some situations probably call for some different attitudes/actions.
Sometimes even though I am clear/aware that I’m under the urge to defend/protect myself and make the other person wrong, I get myself trapped in the argument game… lost opportunities each time that happens!
Like Jason mentions above, I’m finally reading the classic from Dale Carnegie “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”. His take on arguments is simple: “The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.” and your list is a nice and actionable example on how to achieve it!
June 30, 2011 at 2:11 pm |
Good advice for husbands and wives to consider too Dan. Thanks.
June 30, 2011 at 4:17 pm |
Intriguing list Dan.
#2 Interrupting to make your point is pointless, having to make your point more than once may be pointless as well…means you need roto rooter for your communication.
#8 When you do ask for their opinion, really honor and acknowledge that they are willing to share their views with you…not everyone will get that level of sharing.
#15 walking & talking with is a great metaphor, figurative and literal, for heading in the same direction, seeing things the same way, being with someone rather than at someone.
#20 Identify your opponent’s objectives and agree where possible. Might modify to “Identify with your… Walk in their shoes, truly see their perspective.
Greg’s approach…’do I need to stand or die on this hill’, creates a great image and solid perspective again.
Not so sure I need to ‘win’ arguments. Do I want to be heard, definitely. Do I get to vote on every issue, nah, not that important.
June 30, 2011 at 4:25 pm |
Excellent list Dan. My personal favorites:
Use “and” more than “but” because “but” is an eraser. This idea gets used a lot in improv, because saying “yes, and…” always ends up leading to a better story.
Talk while taking a walk. Mostly because it makes me think I’m in a scene written by Aaron Sorkin.
July 5, 2011 at 9:56 am |
I would go even further. “But” should be avoided an anytime as much as possible. It is a worthless word, that only counteracts and waters out an argument. It’s also a great faker, that allows people to be at “par” with an opinion, but actually be against, removing responsability for the actual statement.
Always when people use the “but”,
“I’m not a racist, but…”
“9/11 was a terrible tragedy, but ….”
“Freedom of speech is important, but…”
In cases like this, I stop listening immediately.
October 31, 2011 at 10:34 pm |
Hi Thomas, Let me check my understanding here. Are you saying that you deliberately stop listening if the other person is not communicating well?
November 1, 2011 at 12:17 pm |
Good point — note also that you use the word “but” here in the last sentence of your first paragraph. Was that a slip, or do you think there are times when it’s acceptable?
June 30, 2011 at 4:56 pm |
Clearing the pace and standing beside them plus lowering your voice when they raise theirs. all easy and practical.
July 1, 2011 at 2:47 am |
Good advice! One thing I’ve found useful is asking clarifying questions and listening. That usually leads to a dialogue instead of an argument.
July 5, 2011 at 9:58 am |
That is true. That is a great advice. People will sometimes calm down and give you more slack, when you give them the time to explain what they actually mean in more detail.
I think to do that’s very easy, is to ask: “Can you elaborate?”
It doesn’t “win” the argument, however. It just makes great conversation and makes people meet.
July 1, 2011 at 6:37 am |
Hello Dan,
nice & very useful post for every walk of life, professional or personal. Every point given is as important as other. The few of the points which I valued more is #”Don’t focus on winning or losing; focus on achieving objectives” this also says that one should be very clear that don’t argue just for the sake of argument but to check what you really want to derive from the argument. #Use “and” more than “but” because “but” is an eraser &# Identify your opponent’s objectives and agree where possible help them win before you win. sometime by accepting others points we not only give them the feeling of winner but also we built good relation & create healthy environment.
my way of dealing with the argument is when I find that the opponent is saying something much valuable than mine I don’t try to interrupt rather I more focus on listening. Even as I said I just don’t argue for the sake of argument but for the learning.
July 1, 2011 at 9:45 am |
Very good points to remember!! This will be passed on and will be kepy in my favorites file!! As always, I enjoyed your post.
July 1, 2011 at 11:11 am |
I love your post. I read it every day, but this is my first time responding.
One of my favorites is #17 When they raise their voice, lower yours. It’s really difficult to yell at someone who is whispering back at you.
Years ago, I heard: “You can be ‘right’ or you can be in communication. You can’t do both at the same time.”
July 5, 2011 at 10:03 am |
Hi,
I would say that many of these advices are not about how to “win” arguments. It’s about how to be a good communicator. You don’t “WIN” an argument by talking a walk (or many of the other advices). If I was losing an argument, and me and my opponent went for a walk outside, would I then win it?
The advice makes for great communication though, and that’s the issue here. It’s not about winning.
July 5, 2011 at 10:18 am |
Thomas, I’d say the term “win” is used a bit tongue and cheek.
Your comment is well stated. Thank you.
Best,
Dan
August 15, 2011 at 4:13 am |
Hi Dan,
Great list!
I use 2 more, which I think are not explicitly spelled out above.
1) Listen more than talk (if it takes much time to explain your point, either it is too difficult for anyone to grasp, or you are not being clear – rethink)
2) Always admit and give credit to what the other person says, even if wrong. In this way you show respect and consideration, something your opponent will return.
By the way, recently I started a little experiment of mine, not unlike your, called 101press. It aims to press cross-disciplinary, pithy, interesting pieces in 101 words or less.
Take a look.
http://101press.wordpress.com
Cheers,
Hayk
August 19, 2011 at 9:15 am |
Great tips. I’m going to print and post this on my desk and share with family – works in that arena too!
August 19, 2011 at 10:25 am |
So what should we do with #10 (opponent will be unreasonable)?
August 23, 2011 at 11:33 pm |
Great list. I think about
Tell person what bugs you
Ask for something different, new behavior
Get agreement
To move forward in conflict
August 24, 2011 at 5:53 pm |
Thank you Dan for the great list – definitely one I will print and review often. I also wanted to commet further on the word “but” – it should be noted that “however” has the same erasing impact as “but”. For example, in Ajay’s comment above, I found it made me less receptive to the rest of his post after I read the word “however” after he complimented your post. I think the word “and” would have been much more suitable and effective for making the points that followed.
October 31, 2011 at 1:18 pm |
I needed to read this post today. Especially this:
“Your opponent will make you angry. When they do, you lose.”
Thank you!
Now I’m off to score my “win” … by not letting him make me angry!
Mikalee
October 31, 2011 at 1:21 pm |
Not interrupting or getting excited works for me. (try) to stay calm and cool… Great list.
October 31, 2011 at 1:25 pm |
Great post! But sometimes lowering your voice can be a bit patronising so it’s a fine line!
October 31, 2011 at 1:28 pm |
Great list!!!
http://www.fitchandcompany.wordpress.com
October 31, 2011 at 1:36 pm |
Never start one with a naked woman.
http://frontpsych.com/2011/10/14/fiction-friday-sons-of-dionysus-chapter-1/
October 31, 2011 at 2:10 pm |
It depends on what you mean by “win.” If “win” is taken as getting another person to believe my claim, then it is most effective to use rhetorical devices and fallacious reasoning to make them “feel” the way they need to feel to be persuaded.
If “win” is taken as establishing that my claim is true, then that would require the use of good arguments (strong inductive arguments or valid for deductive arguments).
Good advice, overall.
October 31, 2011 at 2:12 pm |
Simply brilliant and brilliantly simple. I’ve found the best tool for me is to never make the other person “wrong.” Instead, I say, “This doesn’t work for me.” That opens possibility, rather than driving the other person into reaction. Also, simply repeating someone else’s concerns forces me to listen carefully and tells them that I do hear them.
October 31, 2011 at 2:21 pm |
Good tips. Esp about not using “but” in an argument.
October 31, 2011 at 2:28 pm |
11.Your opponent will make you angry. When they do, you lose.
And i try not to argue a lot…nobody listens to younger people here in pakistan, but between friend, it’s basically accepting you’re wrong when you know it, or try to prove my point with a logic
October 31, 2011 at 2:28 pm |
So true . Greta job . I love these points
October 31, 2011 at 2:29 pm |
man, I love this! i’ll do all the 25
October 31, 2011 at 2:41 pm |
Thanks! Very useful.
October 31, 2011 at 2:47 pm |
Thanks. That was helpful.
October 31, 2011 at 2:51 pm |
love this!!!
October 31, 2011 at 2:56 pm |
Hire a good and motivated lawyer: me.
October 31, 2011 at 3:11 pm |
This is really great! Thanks, and congratulations!
October 31, 2011 at 3:11 pm |
Or you can just shout That’s Racist!
October 31, 2011 at 3:15 pm |
Fantastic list. Very helpful. Thank you.
October 31, 2011 at 3:22 pm |
I thoroughly enjoyed this one. As someone who tends to have strong emotions, this will help me stay focused. Thanks for the post!
October 31, 2011 at 3:32 pm |
Interesting post — and lots of good advice.
No.11 — getting angry — is key. If you’re attaching that much emotional investment to your “win”, you’ve already lost before you begin.
People can sense your desperation (whether ego or financial or whatever) to beat them, and they may fight you even harder as result, knowing this. The Buddhist perspective is very effective, as someone pointed out: detach ego from outcome. It doesn’t mean you don’t want a certain outcome, but you’re not only prepared for not getting it — you’ve anticipated most opposing points of view and are ready to discuss them thoughtfully and rationally. I rarely try for anything without a Plan B (or C-J) at hand and in my head.
I’d add avoid indulging in any sort of emotional language. Let cooler heads prevail. They usually do.
October 31, 2011 at 3:32 pm |
Great list. For me, #8 and #11 are some of the best. There’s little in this world more irritating than being told what you think by someone who has no idea what you’re thinking.
October 31, 2011 at 3:43 pm |
I am a college teacher, and at this time of the semester, conflicts with students over grades, missing assignments etc. can really escalate. This is a great list of reminders! I already employ some of these naturally (like lowering my voice when other raise theirs) but others are things I need to practice (like saying “and” instead of “but”). Thank you!
October 31, 2011 at 3:43 pm |
Too often we get lost while giving advice by being being verbose. Neat, concise, to the point, this list is great. Thank you
October 31, 2011 at 3:46 pm |
Thanks for the advise. Some are just so unreasonable, they’re not worth dealing with.
October 31, 2011 at 3:49 pm |
I think what is key is the perception of what you’re in is an argument which in itself can be detrimental to getting to the bottom of the conflict. The word argument itself is emotive which I think isn’t useful in a ‘discussion’ (!).
My advice is to think about what the other person is meaning rather than saying so you can resolve whatever is being brought up.
mike
the247analyst.wordpress.com
October 31, 2011 at 3:58 pm |
When I was teaching public speaking some of these issues arose. I remember a young lawyer telling us that in law school her professor said, “If you show them you’re angry, you’ve lost.” That stuck in my mind and I appreciated reading it in your list again.
Ronnie
October 31, 2011 at 4:00 pm |
Totally agree with your points – as a teenager i no how to argue ;p
October 31, 2011 at 4:10 pm |
This is really helpful!! Thank you for your tips!
October 31, 2011 at 4:11 pm |
Your list is spot on for me, and I don’t try to win arguments at this stage of my life. Who cares? Who has the time. Life is subjective and when one understands that, one can let go of trying to win.
Great blog.
http://valentinedefrancis.blogspot.com
October 31, 2011 at 4:22 pm |
My most important argument pointer is to be sure that you both know what’s being argued. My husband and I rarely argue, and a full half of our arguments are based on misunderstandings of what exactly is being discussed.
October 31, 2011 at 4:44 pm |
I’ve been married for 17 years; i DON’T win!
October 31, 2011 at 4:48 pm |
Great post. My favorites are
Be smart not right. You aren’t finding the right answer; you’re searching for the better alternative.
Focus on progress rather than perfect solutions.
Your opponent will make you angry. When they do, you lose.
I think composure is a key element to winning any argument. If you stay together, on task, and focused, your point will be taken more directly (unless you are arguing with someone who “can’t lose”, in which case you may never get through to them).
Thanks for the tips, I’ll pass it on!
October 31, 2011 at 5:00 pm |
Thank you! It’s really helpful considering I’m one of those people that can’t argue properly. I find point seventeen the most helpful (When they raise their voice, lower yours)
October 31, 2011 at 5:13 pm |
I flip on my Mahalia Jackson CD and pump up the volume. Clears the air everytime!!
October 31, 2011 at 5:28 pm |
Everything you have said is exactly right! I find that I win many debates by questioning my “opponents” and making them reassess what they really believe. Then I can generally get them to agree, or at least see the sense, with my point of view, even if it is sometimes radically different than their previous declared stances.
October 31, 2011 at 5:43 pm |
So many things I am doing wrong! Thanks!
October 31, 2011 at 5:49 pm |
Interesting list u got there…
http://kalafels.wordpress.com/
October 31, 2011 at 6:15 pm |
Great points. I’m a great persuader. I’d rather persuade a person (if possible and if I’m right) than brow beat them.
October 31, 2011 at 6:30 pm |
usefull
October 31, 2011 at 7:11 pm |
Great post!
Seek first to understand, then to be understood!
October 31, 2011 at 7:27 pm |
Here is a different take on arguing from an interview I did with the authors of the book “How to Argue Like Jesus: Learning Persuasion from History’s Greatest Communicator” on the PI Window on Business; http://www.blogtalkradio.com/jon-hansen/2009/09/30/how-to-argue-like-jesus-learning-persuasion-from-historys-greatest-communicator
October 31, 2011 at 8:24 pm |
Good tips, I never things about it before.
October 31, 2011 at 9:27 pm |
Great post! Very informative and useful tips.
October 31, 2011 at 9:51 pm |
I definitely have to try the lowered tone against an opponent.
Sounds like a good strategy
Cheers,
Ron
October 31, 2011 at 10:35 pm |
A tip: they aren’t opponents, they’re partners.
October 31, 2011 at 10:12 pm |
I can try these ideas with my new Husband. (I’m a newlywed blogger) But he always wins arguments because he only argues when he’s 100 percent sure he’s right…
how do I combat “right?”
October 31, 2011 at 10:20 pm |
I’m pretty sure Monty Python had a way to win an argument as well…. But good post, nonetheless insofar as inasmuch as heretofore.
October 31, 2011 at 10:27 pm |
I think 2, 7 and 17 will stay with me. Especially 17. Lowering the voice is more difficult than you think!
Thanks for a great post.
October 31, 2011 at 10:35 pm |
Huh, I was intrigued by this post because I’ve recently written a post about arguing on my own blog. I thought they’d be similar, but fortunately they’re quite different.
This is much more useful, my post is more of a comic guide on how ‘not’ to argue.
Congratulations on freshly pressed.
October 31, 2011 at 10:41 pm |
Love your blog, great advice. Makes mine seem really silly.
October 31, 2011 at 10:48 pm |
Very helpful. I like #9, very good point indeed as with peer pressure and society these days, it is hard to find your own voice without having someone tell you how you should act or think.
- Lisa
October 31, 2011 at 10:59 pm |
Awesome! Thank you!
October 31, 2011 at 11:08 pm |
This is a great list. One of the largest issues in my marriage is that whenever my husband and I disagree, he sees an argument as a way to create a winner and a loser, and I see an argument as a way to find a way forward where we both win (on the things important to us). I’m looking forward to sharing this with him to see what he says.
October 31, 2011 at 11:15 pm |
This is a good list:)
October 31, 2011 at 11:36 pm |
Very suggestive and helpful for me.
Thanks.
November 1, 2011 at 12:06 am |
Good list. Next challenge is to remember these points while you are in a argument. And there are several additional finer points that is beyond writing. It is a combination of knowledge and skill that plays here.
November 1, 2011 at 12:31 am |
I like that you write about leadership in 300 words or less.
November 1, 2011 at 12:39 am |
Great tips thanks!
November 1, 2011 at 12:44 am |
I love these and some were really funny, LOL. I like them all, but #17 really stood out to me. I have found that to be very true in winning an argument. If one person is yelling and the other person is not, it makes the person yelling feel stupid for doing so after a while.
November 1, 2011 at 1:08 am |
All great and valid points. I would call this 25 ways to deflect arguments, but i do think that yours is a catchy title.
November 1, 2011 at 1:15 am |
No.3 & 17.
p.s. No24 is interesting, lol.
November 1, 2011 at 1:17 am |
I agree with all of them. Well written
November 1, 2011 at 1:45 am |
Very helpful article, which I have utilised to make a slightly different point, on headlines, which are a personal obsession lol. Hope you don’t mind, and I found your 25 points very useful
http://wellthisiswhatithink.wordpress.com/2011/11/01/maximise-your-influence-by-crafting-better-headlines/
November 1, 2011 at 2:10 am |
Wow! That was amazing . I’ll try to use some of your advice. Very inspiring. Keep it up.
November 1, 2011 at 3:16 am |
Interesting. Basically, it requires humility.
November 1, 2011 at 3:19 am |
It will be hard to remember all of this by the next time i have an “argument.” I wonder if I would look funny if i brought out the list while in the midst of the row..
November 1, 2011 at 3:46 am |
great advice & i hope you will add more abot this topic
November 1, 2011 at 3:47 am |
i like it very much
November 1, 2011 at 4:39 am |
You have never met my wife!
Nice, I book marked it and copped a subscription.
DS
November 1, 2011 at 4:47 am |
useful post
thanks!
November 1, 2011 at 5:22 am |
Thanks, I find points 8, 15 and 19 especially helpful.
I find that the following biblical principle: “Be[ing] completely humble and gentle; be[ing] patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:1-3) is a helpful and challenging guideline.
And a bit further on in the same chapter, a sobering yet liberating exhortation: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Eph. 4:30-32)
November 1, 2011 at 5:58 am |
I love this article.. this has been the best i read since I joined the wordpress.. It is quite helpful.. I’m not saying that i’ve been in a lot of arguments lately.. but there are some occasions there are person who wants to think superb more than anyone and they keep on concluding as to what I might thinking.. and it’s not really cool.. so I agree with the number 9 in that point.. but luckily I did what is the number 8 has been said..
congratulations for making it on freshly pressed..
keep it up! I hope I could come up with great ideas such this..
November 1, 2011 at 6:29 am |
great tips, i would like to add that body language is also very important to win an argument.
November 1, 2011 at 6:34 am |
Really well written points. Very useful. I laughed by the point ‘speak to the heart- if they have one’. That is the best one by far and so true. Congrats on FP.
November 1, 2011 at 7:21 am |
I’ll certainly keep them in mind. Thanks
November 1, 2011 at 7:25 am |
Good post. Good job on the whole thing. I personally like no. 19, people seem to show a lack of respect these days. Everyone thinks that everything is an opinion and that their opinion is “fact” and this leads to them thinking that the other person is…less. Thus respect is revoked because opinions rule the age. So I like that while arguing, respect should be given to the “opponent”. Good stuff.
November 1, 2011 at 7:39 am |
I particularly like “Stay on point. Distractions are normal.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ll be disagreeing with someone and just a few moments later we ask ourselves “What were we arguing about?”
As the argument grows longer, the potential for the argument to branch off into other topics rises exponentially. Because of this, I have learned to say my peace and be done with it. It usually works pretty well.
Nice work.
November 1, 2011 at 7:40 am |
Oh, and congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
November 1, 2011 at 8:14 am |
These are essential in today’s times. Too many want to raise their voices and shout, or be right.
November 1, 2011 at 8:44 am |
number 20 is the key to winning all arguments!! I seriously use that all the time!!
“Identify your opponent’s objectives and agree where possible. Help them win before you win.”
It’s a way to trap them into thinking they’re winning when they’re actually not. That way they wouldn’t be as mad afterwards.
November 1, 2011 at 9:33 am |
Amazing tips!!
November 1, 2011 at 9:46 am |
What I love is it’s a list about winning the right way. Great job!
November 1, 2011 at 9:51 am |
Great points….
November 1, 2011 at 9:54 am |
#11 is so very, very true. Great list.
November 1, 2011 at 10:00 am |
Love the point- when they raise their voices, lower yours. Somtimes nothing gets attention better than an unexpected reaction!
November 1, 2011 at 10:32 am |
Excellent post, very useful tips! I will certainly be putting these into practice
November 1, 2011 at 10:43 am |
I win arguments by analyzing the person I’m up against first. Finding their weaknesses is a major strong point. If you know where to hit, and you hit hard enough, they’ll undoubtedly fall.
Because I’m a psychology student, and that’s the way I roll.
Ashey
November 1, 2011 at 12:06 pm |
Sounds like you’re still stuck in the “must win.” Not every argument is meant to be “won” by someone. Sometimes it’s just about making sure your point of view is heard, especially when you don’t feel anyone is paying attention. If you go into situations with a “must win” attitude, analyzing the other person’s weaknesses so you know how best to “score”, you’re already defeated because your mind is closed to learing something new. You might want to try opening your mind to other possibilities, it’s much less stressful.
November 1, 2011 at 10:53 am |
“When they raise their voice, lower yours.” – Never worked for me, unfortunately. Where I come from, the louder you are, the more likely you are to get the final word. And I can never raise my voice… I prefer written arguments. I find I can articulate my thoughts much better when I write than when I speak.
November 1, 2011 at 10:55 am |
New to this, but I like the points you make. Most of these I’ve heard before in one form or another. The one I found intriguing was to stand beside the person you’re agrguin with – I have always tended to face them with an open posture.
November 1, 2011 at 11:18 am |
I agree with your blog BUT….
ha, only joking! Good post.
November 1, 2011 at 11:20 am |
Thanks for this, it’s interesting and I could need this. I’ve always known that raising your voice gets you no where as the other person will automatically shut off and that’s not what you want.
Of course, some people will give in to this but I think that’s a small number.
I guess standing face to face with someone can make it a little intimidating perhaps so that of course makes sense.
Thank you for your post
I look forward to reading the rest of your blog 
November 1, 2011 at 11:22 am |
Love it… now only if it were that easy!
November 1, 2011 at 11:48 am |
Knew 18 out of 25.. not bad eh?
November 1, 2011 at 12:01 pm |
I actually think this is an amazing list! This is true to the point. I use some of these tactics and find that I am amazingly persuasive.
I think I would add to this list:
26) Flush out the weaknesses in your argument
27) Reconcile those weaknesses with your strength’s
28) Flush out the weaknesses in your opponent’s argument
29) Attack those weaknesses with your argument’s strength.
http://www.nycgirlnextdoor.com
November 1, 2011 at 12:17 pm |
simply effective…. love it….
November 1, 2011 at 12:24 pm |
“Be smart not right.”
Stuff like this is one of the many reasons why I prefer the company of scientists.
November 1, 2011 at 12:27 pm |
This is great! . . . I’m going to hang this list on my office wall!
http://arabianmusings.wordpress.com/
November 1, 2011 at 12:29 pm |
Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum for some arguments, not to put too fine a point on things. (BTW, I’m in Hong Kong, where we have no guns…).
November 1, 2011 at 12:32 pm |
I think this one is most useful TO ME: “24. Speak to the heart – if they have one” because it’s a good reminder of how to approach MOST people as well as a reminder that some people really can’t be reached – no matter what.
November 1, 2011 at 1:08 pm |
Speak softly and carry a big stick…and hit the other person with it. That’s really the most effective and mature way to do it, in my book.
Great advice!
November 1, 2011 at 1:13 pm |
I read no. 11. “Your opponent will make you angry. When they do, you lose” and said to myself, by accident, ‘I’ll remember that- don’t lose!’ then realised that would be braking no.1
very interesting though, thanks!
November 1, 2011 at 1:16 pm |
Great list… I can’t pick any as my favorite, though one that wasn’t on the list that I’ve found is helpful and relates to several you noted but could be it’s own rule.
- Stop talking entirely. Allow for silence, even if it’s a long uncomfortable silence.
This is great in negotiations as well. People feel the need to talk all the time. If you’re not talking, you’re not losing. Sometimes your “opponent” needs time to process everything, let them and they may come to see your point. Though the opposite may occur too and you may realize you’re wrong.
I would also add this rule
- Never make anything up. Ever
Self explanatory.
Great post.Thank you.
November 1, 2011 at 1:19 pm |
Great points – my problem with arguments is I get aggressive far too easily! I will definitely keep these points in mind
November 1, 2011 at 1:29 pm |
This is brilliant advice, getting personal never gets a situation anywhere good, I like the idea of having good posture and clearing a path and facing them directly- no obstacle so there’s no distraction from the matter itself.
Thank you.
November 1, 2011 at 2:13 pm |
You say use experts & research. I agree with the research but experts have been used to the point where people no longer believe them, firstly because you can always find one that agrees with you (and we all know this through the jury trial) and secondly because they are so often proved wrong (see the economy). Patterns and history might influence your argument but no one believes an expert that doesn’t agree with them.
November 1, 2011 at 2:24 pm |
These are some excellent points you made; my personal favorite is “be pleasant, but not jovial.” Nothing intimidates an opponent more than someone who just doesn’t lose his or her cool. I often win my arguments, but not in a way that I like; I’m pretty verbose, and I tend to explain my side in excruciating detail, usually to the point where the other person gives up out of frustration. They think I’m trying to be difficult, when I’m really just trying to explain.
November 1, 2011 at 2:51 pm |
I like #1 because it elevates both parties and keeps it from getting personal. It’s like a recent quote I saw: “Low Minds Discuss People. Average Minds discuss Events. Great Minds discuss Ideas!” Unknown
November 1, 2011 at 7:59 pm |
All of these tips are useful. I am one of those people who constantly finds themselves in arguments, and usually winning them. I feel that I implement all of these, especially “Let them win before you win.” If you can fool your opponent into a false sense of “agreement” you will win every time.
November 1, 2011 at 10:41 pm |
Most of my arguments are with children. The volume makes a difference. I have found that silence or a low tone in response to yelling can be helpful, but this takes real discipline because children are so illogical and so emotional.
November 2, 2011 at 11:43 am |
Great post- I especially like 9, 10, 11, and 17- need to use these in my next….discussion!
November 3, 2011 at 3:44 am |
thanks for the post
November 3, 2011 at 8:30 am |
You have a very mature audience.
This must be why my husband wants to kill me 1/2 the time.
Congrats on being FP’d.
November 3, 2011 at 9:48 am |
You’ve summed it up quite nicely.. amazingly true and interesting.
November 3, 2011 at 8:53 pm |
True words. These tips should work beautifully the next time I get into another (ahem) ‘heated’ discussion with my staff or my classmates. Looks like my time spent reading this was well spent. Thanks for a great post
November 4, 2011 at 4:30 am |
that great
November 4, 2011 at 4:30 am |
that great i like it veryu much
November 5, 2011 at 6:29 am |
Thanks for sharing g8 tips to win arguments. Impressed with this statement :Show respect; don’t get personal…
November 8, 2011 at 12:11 am |
If only i had read this a couple of months ago, haha.
Brilliant.
November 14, 2011 at 1:28 pm |
Good post. Thanks for sharing. I would say – move on, if it stalls. Sometimes, giving a break is the best option.
Take care.
August 7, 2012 at 8:07 am |
Great Post.
Thanks for sharing such valuable tips…
February 26, 2013 at 6:33 pm |
Great list Dan and I agree with Cinnie, the most important thing is to listen. When we assume we know what our “opponent” is saying we risk missing what it is they really want to achieve which may in fact be what we want too!