Don’t get played.
Cowards, manipulators, and backstabbers encourage you to take risks so they don’t have to. They posture in shadows. Let others get dirty. They step into the light when it’s safe.
Leading requires risk-taking. Don’t lead if you can’t take responsibility. Backstabbers and players, on the other hand, manipulate leaders. They want benefit while others take risks.
Players and manipulators always drive toward self-interest, secretly. Even when making others look bad, its to strengthen their own position.
Exposing manipulative players:
Ask ten questions to see if you’re being played.
- Are you being asked to keep secrets?
- Is someone creating paranoia and weakening relationships?
- Has someone whispered negative information about another in your ear?
- Who’s in the loop? Who’s left out?
- Whose life gets easier? Whose gets harder?
- Why is it important for you to take the lead, rather than someone else?
- Who looks good if it works?
- Who takes the fall if it fails?
- How is the team impacted?
- Are you functioning within organizational values?
Bonus: Who’s doing the work? Manipulators maneuver others into doing most of the work.
Defeating manipulative players:
All organizations have players and backstabbers who place self-interest ahead of all other interests. They thrive in silence and secrecy.
Silence implies permission.
Secrets strengthen manipulators.
Openness and transparency defeat manipulative players. Don’t attack them. Don’t play their games. Open the shades. Turn on the lights. Watch them fall in line or scurry like cockroaches.
Performance wins when everything’s on the table.
Transparency defeats manipulators.
When you smell the stench of manipulation, invite all stakeholders to a meeting that spells out all deliverables, responsibilities, deadlines, and communication channels. Don’t waste time attacking manipulators. It’s a distraction. Create high performance cultures with transparency.
How can leaders lessen the power of manipulators?
Tags: gaming, Leadership, Leadership Development, manipulators, organizational success, politics, Power
January 20, 2013 at 5:02 pm |
Dan
This is so on target. Thanks so much for aways having what I need at exactly the right time.
Bob
January 20, 2013 at 5:03 pm |
Thanks for the good word Bob and here’s to defeating manipulators with openness and transparency. Cheers!
January 20, 2013 at 5:23 pm |
Hi Dan, to answer your last question is to be patient. Situations don’t require character they reveal them. What goes around eventually comes around. Sometimes it appears to take a really long time.
One other thing I do for me is if what I am up to is so big I just do have the luxury of letting my mind become cluttered with meaningless minuesha!!!!!! Not sure I spelled that last word right but think you got my drift!!! I just don’t have a lot of free time to not be doing anything but pushing the proverbial rock.
Sometimes my mind gets going faster than it can spell!!!
One last thing! If I stop what I am up to to deal with what comes down to meaningless minuesha (that word again) then aren’t I doing the exact thing I am upset about them doing???? One finger pointed out always has two coming back.
Cya Dan,
Scott
January 20, 2013 at 5:25 pm |
Meant above do not have time
January 20, 2013 at 5:50 pm |
Thanks Scott. You’re focus is important….Thanks for bringing it out. The best I could do in 300 words was say, don’t get distracted and don’t play games that players play.
Many say, when the environment has manipulators in it, let your work speak for itself. For sure! If you don’t have the work you better get busy.
January 20, 2013 at 7:53 pm |
You did great as usual with your 300 words or less Dan.
First. The lead dog in the Iditorod has the best view! Whew!
What I was getting at is I need to be what I want others to be. If I don’t want them to be focusing on stuff and things that are not bringing us closer to our goal, it starts with me.
I could spend all day long focusing on what is not working, who is not working, who is lying, who is not!
In reality we all have our shining moments and what we can call the less shiny. I want them focusing on their jobs so I got to be solution I want. I got to be the example by looking forward. Yes there is a time to take a breath and check up on how things are going and how we are doing. Then back on the beam, me first!
If I choose to spend all day pondering such things then I am being focused on what I need to be taking action on? Seems like no, instead of doing my part I am evaluating what others are doing. If I get into that habit I have found I can spend all day there. I come out great in my own mind and others lacking. Either that or I can choose to rise above that and work as hard at what I need to do looking forward.
I need to be the worker bee I want others to be not just a reflective manipulator myself. I need to be getting results with what I am doing as much as monitoring what is happening with the guys with a lesser title and paycheck.
The other thing I meant about dishonesty is over time people’s true selves reveal themselves. Who they are speak so loud I can’t hear what they are saying. Karma is a …tch pardon my French.
I think you are an artist with your 300 words or less Dan or I would not read and participate if I didn’t.
Scott
January 20, 2013 at 5:27 pm |
Excellent post Dan. Assuming the leadership entity is operating within ethical/moral standards. (Not akin to a group of ‘Hitlers’!
Some of us have had experiences where it was the leadership that benefited at our expense. In those situations, there are times where justice is desperately needed.
Transparency and openness is critical in today’s culture. It will take a great deal of courage from each of us to live this way. I believe it can be done. Although not always ‘easy’.
January 20, 2013 at 5:48 pm |
Thanks for chiming in Samantha. You bring up the other side of the coin. Leaders who manipulate. For sure, it comes both ways!
I think the series of questions in this post applies to the situation you bring up. Creating transparency when you aren’t the leader is more challenging.
All the courage we need is the courage to seek and speak the truth. Sounds simple doesn’t it?
January 20, 2013 at 6:24 pm |
Those are an excellent set of starter questions Dan. For anyone. And yes, creating transparency when you aren’t the leader is very challenging! : ) However, it is experiences such as those that forge us IN to leaders over time. Although there is a caveat to this as well: the trials we face can lead us to the dark side or to the light when it comes to our own leadership. Similar to Star Wars in the case of Luke Skywalker. Or the contrasts between Maximus and Commodus in Gladiator.
Then there are those in the middle. Such as Robert the Bruce in Braveheart. Caught between wanting to follow his heart and do the right thing for his people, yet temporarily stuck in the system called ‘family loyalty’ when it came to the power his own father had over him. It took his own betrayal of William Wallace to see the light. And that is the personal pain that provided the ‘weight’ to change the balance in his own heart. To finally do the right thing even if it meant going against his own father.
As for simple. The odd thing I keep finding from my own personal experience is that some of these things ARE indeed. VERY simple. Yet the journey to GET to the point where we each understand just how simple it is…can be a long one! haha
January 20, 2013 at 5:56 pm |
I am particularly impressed with the discussion bringing in character. It is the easy way out to let go of what matters. Leadership is about being a role model regarding values.
January 20, 2013 at 9:34 pm |
@dlwteacher
We have plenty of such Characters in the modern and real world. Unfortunately the sort of positive Leadership Dan is mentioning is fading. In the past 45 years I notice the path of eroding values: it is the weaker who looks up to the stronger and copy his/her behavior – an excellent cover. As example, when Politicians find new ways of avoiding paying taxes, they have a lot of options at hand due to the way they can access know-how – Big Business will take it up and follow in those foot steps – the next level of followers are the next “lower class” and so on, and so on.
As Dan wrote, unfortunately we find way too many people also on Leadership level (Politics and Economy) who have lost their role model function but are still there.
So my question is: who is Leading if the Leaders are failing?
January 20, 2013 at 6:38 pm |
On the discussion of character and value, this reminds me of the saying: “Take care of your character, and your reputation will take care of itself.”
What an incredible discussion, and I love the title you chose for it. I don’t hear this discussion often enough, even though The Art of War discusses this on different levels frequently (if not entirely some would argue).
Manipulation is definitely an obstacle to get over in different areas: personal, professional, etc., but usually, the only role it should have is to be eliminated from the equation as soon as possible.
I feel though that one other point should be added:
Manipulation can be defeated through clarity, but it can also be turned against itself through counter-manipulation; at time, there is no other way but this especially for safety reasons. In other words, sometimes you have to allow the manipulators to fall into their own trap.
So far this is a part of my experience along with what you’ve discussed on your post.
Do you agree with my last point?
Thanks for another great post, Dan.
Lila
January 20, 2013 at 7:42 pm |
Gone stressed out having meetings with manipulators many times but havent figured out how to defeat them. Thank you very much for these inputs Dan. More power!
January 20, 2013 at 8:27 pm |
Trust is at the foundation of organizational health. Manipulation destroys trust.
Manipulation is a characteristic of sociopaths. Although not well defined in medical literature, sociopathy involves about 3% of the population, the “me-first” people with no conscience who consciously work to dominate others, and have no problem lying. A good read on the subject is “The Sociopath Next Door” by Dr. Martha Stout. Her advice is simple, “Disassociate Yourself”.
Manipulation cannot be tolerated among leaders, no matter what their power or expertise. The first time a person manipulates, a good leader will point it out in private. If it happens again, the leader will cause negative consequences for the manipulator, up to and including dismissal. There can be no compromise with manipulation.
Manipulating leaders are not leaders, but tyrants. If your boss is one, join another organization.
January 21, 2013 at 6:17 am |
I’ve been a pawn in people’s manipulations. One of the key tactics of manipulators is gaining one’s trust. In other words your guard is let down. If your workplace has numerous manipulators due to poor senior leadership then exposing them does nothing but put a huge target on your head. Be thankful when they finally pull out the knives and get rid of you because that business has obvoiusly lost their way.
January 21, 2013 at 9:48 am |
Per usual Dan, you have touched on a very important topic. Having spent the better part of three decades in a corporate environment, I am well versed in the world of manipulators. Sadly, these people are not restricted to big business – or any business for that matter. Manipulators exist in every facet of life.
In my experience – learned the hard way – it is often advisable to say and/or do nothing in the face of manipulation. Some are so masterful at intertwining just a touch of truth with a degree of trust (ill gotten trust) that to undo their actions is nearly impossible.
Awareness of manipulators and manipulation is needed. Blogs like this will help to do just that.
January 21, 2013 at 9:51 am |
I find that assuming that all manipulation is negative or for negative intent is incorrect. Manipulation in its definition is defined as : Verb
Handle or control (a tool, mechanism, etc.), typically in a skillful manner: “he manipulated the dials”. To handle or control situations sets optimum essence for learning, to control parameters of experience allows safety. What is not okay is the desire to use tools and actions to control belief that is out of alignment with the truth of the experience or purpose.
Great questions and thought provoking post.
January 21, 2013 at 10:25 am |
Dan,
This should have been a weekday blog!
All of the prior comments are interesting and valuable. I think I can add another detail or two.
First, true manipulators have flawed characters. They cannot be changed and to try to do so is a waste of time. Do not frustrate yourself or hold out hope that you can “fix” a true manipulator.
Second, your tool for dealing with manipulators is clear communication. Clearly define your needs and your goals. As a manager, it is acceptable to allow people their “paths” but it is your responsibility to clearly present your vision.
Third, conversations with manipulators are a lesson in diversion. Stay on topic, bring them back to the point, avoid emotion.
Hope these add something to the conversation. I certainly appreciate this blog and its contributors!
January 21, 2013 at 1:57 pm |
What really stands out for me here: SILENCE IMPLIES PERMISSION. SECRETS STRENGTHEN MANIPULATORS. I am making this experience over again and again, particularly in my social life.
January 22, 2013 at 8:02 am |
It takes a leader to stand up when manipulation- or any other unethical behavior is occurring. I have worked in business as well as the academic world and of course the entire range of human behavior occurs in both as well as in personal life.
Students in my classes are nearly all working and speak out about the difference between a leader and a boss- they will leave a better paying job to work for a leader.
I appreciate the thoughtful comments. I am grateful I have discovered this forum.
January 22, 2013 at 8:52 pm |
The truth will set you free.