How to Get Over Yourself
The world is full of leaders who are full of themselves.
it’s a real eye-opener when you realize the world doesn’t revolve around you. When you were two years old, you could be the center of attention. But, big boys and girls get over themselves.
Self-centered leaders struggle when they aren’t the center of attention. The struggle to be at the center wastes energy, distracts focus, and frustrates teammates.
Get over yourself by getting out of yourself.
The hardest and most important leadership shift you’ll make today is from you to them.
Get out of yourself:
- How are they impacted by events, initiatives, and programs?
- Talk less about you and more about them. Because I’m a talker, I used to believe talking less was the answer. I was wrong.
- Believe more in their abilities. You’re Not omnipotent.
- Develop a positive attitude. Find something good to say, often. Negativity is about what you want that didn’t happen. Positivity is about progress they’ve made. You can’t lead if you can’t celebrate the progress of others!
- Focus on their potential. The leader’s greatest potential is maximizing the potential if others.
Self-focus is natural. I’m calling you to act unnaturally. Effective leaders get out of themselves so they can focus on others.
How can leaders get over themselves?
How can leaders get over themselves?
Dan, I think that all of your suggestions are spot on, but that this is a hard, if not impossible, thing to do alone. The biggest problem I see with leaders full of he selves is that they have no one that will either speak to them honestly about the issues, or no on that they will listen to and hear what’s being said. We need to have or allow people into our lives who will speak truthfully and call us to task when we step out of bounds.
KaPow!
Thanks for your insights Marina. I have a couple people in my life who tell me what they see. It’s a gift. I’ll add, they are committed to my best!
Surrendering of ones will can only be done alone
Just my opinion based on my experience having done it.
SP back to the present
My problem is I can’t know myself in isolation. In isolation I deceive myself. Not absolutely of course, but I do none the less.
Well that is what a sponsor is for cause I learnt u can’t bs a bs’er!
I have found that to be the case.
Also as a result of working theses steps we had a spiritual awakening.
Self deception not as tough after I had a spiritual awakening. Before that experience pretty pretty tough.
The AA Big Book says overcoming this will thing is beyond human aid. Ask dr Carl Jung, it is what he told Roland Hazzard.
Got to have Gods help on this one. No silly human suggestions gonna work this one out.
Then meetings and MOST important of ALL. Working with others!!!!!
One sure fire way to stop being a self centered (rick if you get what i mean) is to genuinely turn oneself to helping another.
You may think u can multitask, silliness. You can’t be self obsessing while truly being present to the needs of another one of Gods kids. At least I can’t.
So I suggest read the book, follow the directions.
If so I feel in my heart it will not take you long to figure out it is not a book about not drinking but about a design for living for all of God’s kids.
Just how I roll!!
SP back to Now!!!
Dan, thanks for this one. Sadly, for some, building self-awareness can be like having to become a recovering addict. Moving beyond their denial takes time. So, those supporting the person with low-self awareness need to be patient, expect setbacks, and demonstrate to the addict that learning the skill listening is one of the keys to recovery.
Thanks Alan. Always a pleasure.
I’m glad you brought the idea of recovery to the conversation. Frankly, I’m addicted to myself. Just saying it is a step in the right direction, I hope. 🙂
Sadly??? Wow!!!!
Understand where you are coming from Alan but just want you to know being a recovering alcoholic, addict, egomaniac whatever moniker you want to use for the last 29 years
Best thing that ever happened to me and I never had it so good.
Secondly you show me ANY human being and they need recovery offered by working the 12 Steps in some form or fashion.
Egomaniac, procrastinator, drinker, gambler. Anything a spiritual being having a human experience is doing to try to run And run they lives other than submitting their will to Gods is ludicrous and doomed to fail.
The 12 Steps are Gods gift to all his kids although more time will pass before they all figure that out.
The only problem is a conscious separation from God, includes all problems. Only one solution, conscious contact with whatever you conceive to be a power greater than yourself.
So you can choose to understand the experience of a recovering person from an insiders view recovering from a progressive, chronic, fatal disease or form your own opinion.
I heard once it takes a smart man to learn from his own mistakes, but a genius to learn from the mistakes of others.
I offer my experience, strength and hope and NOTHING else. Cause it is all I got.
Show me one human being not recovering from the human condition. Bet ya can’t find one!! I can’t!!!
The 12 Steps are a design for living for ALL of Gods kids.
SP back to Now!!!!
Lol, I think this is an interesting topic (and of one I admit I a guilty of myself).
I have noticed that the key to many exchanges is in the listening aspect of the conversation. But, it is so tempting to show the other party that you have an intellectual “right” to be in the conversation by “strutting” ones vocabulary and “two-cents” on any given topic.
For myself, I overcome this by playing more of a devil’s-advocate role by asking more of the “how’s” and “what-if’s”.
Thanks Todd,
Glad you emphasized listening. I believe we can lead through listening and asking questions. Directives are over-rated.
I find that listening to others powerfully affirms them as long as we expect them to speak thoughfully, be open to input, and live by what they say. In other words leadership listening includes expecting people to talk responsibly.
Thanks for giving me a chance to think this through.
Great points, Dan! Phillipians 2:5-7 gives us a great example:
5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
6 Who, being in very nature[a] God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
7 rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature[b] of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
Andy Stanley points out that when Christ “made himself nothing” it means, literally, he POURED HIMSELF OUT! From 2,000 years ago we get a picture of what it’s like to be the opposite of full of oneself. What a great reminder of how to ensure that our relationships flourish.
Thanks Justin,
I find the pouring out metaphor powerful when it comes to leaders. Early on, I thought people were supposed to pour into me…focus on me…but now, I see that leading is pouring into others.
Cheers
Great topic, destruction of the ego is always nice.
I have this 3rd Step Prayer.
Basically…. God I offer myself to thee to do with me as you wish. Let overcoming of my difficulties be proof of your power and your love.
Anyone want to read it verbatim just google AA Third Step Prayer.
For me I found I could get over myself when I surrendered my will to Gods.
If you are a spiritual being having a human experience doing this any other way…… Lets just say good luck with dat!!!
Just how I roll!!
SP back to NOW!!!! Ever wonder why that is called present!!! Like a Present!! I like presents, you?
Thanks Scott,
I must admit that “destruction of the ego” is so far beyond where I”m at that I can’t comprehend how one lives completely without ego.
I think many, like you, use prayer, meditation, and solitude on the path.
Cheers
And I bet your ego just lives your understanding. Lol
I get it Dan, I am a work in progress too.
I can’t imagine it, but God can.
The AA Big Book says we are not Saints!!!! You got that right!!
Then it says we claim spiritual progress not perfection.
See God makes the way easy for those who seek him. I only sought once I had exhausted all other possibilities.
My hope is if it be My Higher Powers will that one person from this blog who otherwise never would have read that book, does. During that reading they realize this book is not really about not drinking but about the human condition, THEM!!!
Cause it is. A Spiritual Design for living for all of Gods kids. Read the book first 164 pages and everywhere u see alcohol substitute ego!! See what happens!!!!
I bet Dan if you googled AA Big Book chapter 5 and read How It Works……rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. There are such unfortunates but they are not at fault, they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living that demands rigorous honesty. There are such unfortunates.
Now what does that sound like not drinking? It doesn’t. The not drinking is as a result of the spiritual awakening. I do not drink cause I no longer want or need to because of my spirit filled life.
So either self centered or God centered, your call.
SP out to Now!!!
This post is a WOW post! Worth working on personally and seeing the results of its application over a measured period of time so that it becomes a lifetime habit.
Thanks Leslie,
“Lifetime habit” really resonates with me. We don’t arrive but we can pursue.
Cheers
Many people are talking about self-awareness and I agree. You mentioned that you asked us to act unnaturally. So true. However acting unnaturally all of the time is exhausting. I think the best way to act unnaturally when it matters is to be able to act naturally whenever you can, safely. Having that support system that accepts you for being a little selfish is invaluable. Create your own support group (be selfish) so that you can be selfless when it matters.
As always, this was a great topic. Thanks for making me think this morning.
Thanks Anthony,
I find your comment very thoughtful. It makes me think of that select few where we let it all out, even the stuff we aren’t so proud of. It’s a freeing and affirming environment. However, I think it’s selfishness to act this way publicly.
You’re also reminding that sometimes I think, “What about me?” Whose taking care of me? BTW, I find that I’m responsible to take care of me. Expecting others to do it is too big a burden for them.
It is also hard to work for someone if you can’t get over yourself.This is a problem in all facets. It is like one of the other comments: where we need to serve others if we are going to be great. ouch! People do not like to hear that or a message like yours
Thank you for being bold and bringing these topics up. I prayer it will help many people ; O)
God bless
Kymee
Thanks Kymee,
YOu took these ideas right to the limit. We can’t support others until we can get over ourselves… powerfully challenging.
How can you impact someone’s life as a leadership when you’ve never taken the time to hear their story. That’s when you begin to realize that it’s not always about you.
In order to make a difference in the lives of those that you surround yourself with, you need to understand their story and the direction that want to go. This is where the influence of leadership comes in to play.
I can remember having to explain to my daughter earlier this year that’s she a champion whether she’s in 1st place or doesn’t place at all in the national gymnastic championship. http://vizionsconsulting.com/2013/05/05/its-not-always-about-coming-in-1st-place/
Dan, thanks so much for sharing! This is truly a passionate topic for me.
Thanks Dekesha,
You make me think that understand others is the foundation of influence.
Cheers
This is a hard one (even harder than defining reality), because I think so much of leadership can be tied up in ego, that leaders can’t get over themselves. Many of us got to leadership positions by MAKING it all about ourselves.
Maybe if someone is incredibly insightful and self-reflective, they can get over themselves. Otherwise I think it might take an unimaginably humbling personal experience to make it happen. That’s the way it was for me anyway. And similar to Scott Powell, suddenly I realized I had been a fool to think that I could control everything — no one can. I got over myself the same way Scott P. did, by knowing when to turn control over to a higher being (it may be trite to some folks; but I have found it wonderfully freeing).
For me, this was the step that then made it so much easier to trust others and empower others.
Thanks Scott,
Bingo! I see a bit of you in your comment and respect you for it. I believe it’s normal for us to get into leadership because we love the spotlight. I’m with you, the shift was difficult and painful.
Best
That is so GREAT!!!!
Scott you made my day!!!
How crazy is it we been living so backwards!!!!
True joy and happiness await true giving with no thought of return!
I always thought who had the most, the biggest, the best I would be the happiest!!! I was wrong!!!! All I was was exhausted from the effort.
True happiness lies not in what one has but with what one can do without.
Now all I pray for is the strength and willingness to be one of Gods agents!!! AA Book says that is what I am now!!!
Then I spend my time when I am on target as an Interested Observer! I found gods show goes on without my editorial input(judgement).
So for the most part I watch and laugh a lot!!! I see others trying to wrest happiness and satisfaction out if this life only of they can manage it well. They are so funny trying!!!!
So Spiritual is where it’s at for me!
Congrats on your surrender of being Ruler of the Universe!!!!
Think God can do her job better than us!!!! Lol
Take care dear friend
SP to NOW!!!!
Leader can get over themselves by remembering where they came from. We were not always leaders and we made many mistakes along the way. I laugh at myself at times when I get upset with my kids on things they do. I laugh because I remember doing the exact same thing. I how quickly we forget how we were and where we progressed from. As a leader, continue to stay positive, guide and encourage. Let folks know you made the same mistakes. If appropriate tell them the results of those mistakes or failures. I have learned that once people figure out you’re human and care about them it makes them go through mountains for you.
Chris, sounds like you are a great Dad. Your kids lucky to have you as their Father.
SP back to my present
When I realize that I am focusing too much on me, I use this self talk to snap myself out of it: “It’s not about me.” Works every time. The diffiuclt part is realizing that I am focusing too much on me, but the more I pay attention, the easier it gets.
One of the hardest things will almost always surely be the inability for anyone to focus on the fact that they value that they add isn’t the value that makes the difference. Who “wants” to think that? No one I’d submit, which is why it’s so infinitely rare to find. And, by the way, in case we haven’t noticed, the “world” (aka, media, press, etc) seems to “honor” the people that clamor for the attention based on their efforts. Don’t we equate Facebook with Zukerberg, Amazon with Bezos and Apple with Jobs? See if anyone can name the “other” people that helped make those companies great.
No, all this is hard because it’s suppose to be hard, and it’s suppose to be hard because if we can do it, then we can truly achieve something great.
Perhaps it is true that our inability to trust others is only supplanted by our inability to trust ourselves. Giving is hard and as such, the first time we try and see it fail, it’s way to easy to wrestle the spotlight back from the throng and conclude that only one we can trust with the future is ourselves.
All we need to is resolve this simple issue: remind yourself that while you may trust the future to only yourself, you won’t likely have one if you do. Then go find another way to get your glory and maybe, just maybe you’ll get to bask in the glow of a product in demand or market share that few can wrestle away from you.
If not just get in line, your “X” minutes of fame are about to be up.
Dan, the issue you discuss is (in large part) created in childhood so it’s very difficult to change our personalities…not impossible, but it will take some deep digging on our part to 1) acknowledge these traits, and 2) figure out how to go about changing them. For many, it’s not about “changing” the ego but learning to “manage” it. For myself, I’ve learned that once I confront the ego, it welcomes the desire to be whole and healthy, and not so fixated on self.
My two cents…
Thank you for this . As a leader in youth ministry . This spoke to me . God bless you always
Dear Dan,
A good interesting post! It’s just not only self-centered leaders struggle when not in the centre of attention but all those who feel neglected at times. Positivity and talking from the organization point of view can certainly help to keep the morale up. Continuing good work with perseverance is also a good way to remain self-motivated.
Praising others and celebrating progress of others are the right ways to win the confidence of all those who haven’t been paying much attention to you and your work. Remain loyal and committed to yourself for the assigned role and responsibilities. Remaining self-centered is certainly not desirable by any good leader which otherwise ruin your further prospects and may create more of dissatisfaction amongst many co-workers leading to disrespect.
A good simple topic with the powerful message!
Good post Dan! I think another cause that leads to self-centred behaviour from leaders is insecurity (and I know this from first hand experience!). If you’re insecure as a leader, you’re always worried about everyone thinks of you, which means you’re always thinking about YOURSELF at the end of the day. So I think dealing with your own insecurities will also help you get over yourself and focus on others.
I believe that it is important for a leader to get over themselves. As a leader I know I am a very verbal person and I love to interact with the adults in my training classes. Just reflecting, a lot of the times the conversations end being about me and my experiences in life and business. This article has helped me to realize that everything is is not about me and that I should make conversations more about the learners in my course. This post motivated me to try some of these new strategies on a daily basis.