From Tantrums to Leadership

Image source by by Piotr Siedlecki

Weak, fearful leaders are like unrully two year olds. They create messes and throw tantrums. Undeveloped, incompetent leaders are “takers” who believe followers exist to serve them

Weak leaders take:

1. Control. All micro-managers are fearful.
2. Power. Weak leaders fill their need for power by dis-empowering others.
3. Energy. Immature leaders suck energy rather than give it.

Danger:

Six foot, two hundred pound, two year olds are dangerous, destructive, and deadly. Imagine a full grown adult kicking and screaming like an angry toddler. Scary!

Your inner two year old:

When you’re stressed, insecure or exhausted, you’re inner two year old screams to get out. He cries, “Pay attention to me.” Wise leaders listen to their needy, selfish, inner two year old.

Never ignore a screaming two year old.

Screaming two year olds have unmet needs. It’s not pretty but scream gets the job done.

Feeding:

Unfed two year olds get grumpy. Nurture the “little person” inside before the little brat destroys you and others. Never ignore an agitated inner two year old. 

Ignored needs grow.

Constant giving creates empty cups. Take care of you so you can take care of others.

Rockabye baby:

1. Turn off electronic devices.
2. Let go of something.
3. Share inner secrets with someone you trust.
4. Walk with a friend.
5. Hold hands. Better yet, hug.
6. Read a book for pleasure.
7. Do what you want to do.
8. Say, “No.”
9. Write an “I’m thankful for _____.” list.
10. Take a nap.
11. Pray.
12. Complete several small tasks.

Exhausted leaders are fearful leaders. Vince Lombardi said, “Fatigue makes cowards of us all.” Re-energize you in order to energize them.

Recharge before you become totally dischared.

You aren’t the energizer bunny.

When do you know it’s time to re-charge?

How do you re-charge your batteries?

 

Weird Leadership

People who change things become fanatics first. I became obsessed with developing leadership a few years ago. Many friends thought I was weird. Some friends don’t hang with me anymore. I’m more committed to developing leadership than anyone around me.

Radical leaders create radical change.

Ordinary never satisfies. Fitting in doesn’t work.

Becoming weird:

Develop radical leadership by confronting radical problems.

Stop twiddling your thumbs while waiting for golden opportunities to fall from the sky. Address an issue others see but no one confronts.

Get off your butt and find a problem bigger than you. Big problems are big leadership opportunities.

After finding a big problem, find others who are pissed too.

Create a team of angry people
willing to stop talking and start doing.

Help others believe something must be done!

Warning:

Reject:

1. Magic pills
2. Quick fixes
3. Easy solutions.

If small worked, small leaders would have
already solved the challenge.

Difference:

Just do something. Create an underground movement to simplify bureaucracy in your organization, for example.

1. Change one thing at a time.
2. Create momentum.
3. Grow the team.
4. Seek wisdom from others.
5. Affiliate with other change instigators.
6. Press through resistance. Do-nothing people try to stop do-something people.
7. Get permission later.

People who change things look weird to the rest of us but they aren’t trying to look weird.

Radical dedication to mission makes leaders weird
to those who don’t share their mission.

Additionally, naysayers, sluggards, and drifters believe leaders who are dedicated to radical change are unbalanced, misguided; perhaps even delusional.

Secret:

Follow your anger. Things that make you mad reveal your heart. Transform anger into motivation. Get weird. If you aren’t weird, you don’t care enough.

What ticks you off?

What are you weird about?

7 Ways to Deal with Emotional Issues

Emotional turmoil makes simple tasks complicated, easy tasks hard, and quick tasks slow. High emotion, boiling frustration, and hurt feelings inspire blame. Blame invites defensiveness. Defensiveness causes us to pile on other, perhaps unrelated, problems to prove our point.

Never introduce emotional issues unless you’re prepared to deal with emotion. Once emotions rise, deal with them. Address performance issues after.

Boiling emotions motivate but
make finding solutions complex.

The useful side of anger, for example, is it motivates me to address pressing issues and concerns I’ve buried. But, addressing issues in angry ways complicates the process. Diffuse anger then address issues.

Address emotions separate from issues.

Danger:

Searching to solve issues while emotions are raw often becomes an excuse to fix people. Emotionally frustrated leaders point fingers. They start telling people why they acted the way they did or what’s wrong with them. Accusation invites defensiveness. Issues, otherwise solved simply, grow dark, personal, and complex.

7 Ways to deal with emotional issues:

1. Always address emotions that boil over.
2. Affirm emotion; solve issues.
3. Self-validation never validates; accusation never motivates.
4. Move quickly then slow down. Today’s appointment focuses on feelings, tomorrow’s on issues, for example.
5. Stay focused on immediate issues. Past issues never clarify emotional situations. One issue is simpler than two. Stop shooting the process in the foot by making it a global rather than an individual event.
6. Never determine solutions before conversations. Leaders who enter conversations with predetermined solutions don’t listen, they explain. Have you noticed how people love your explanations?
7. Avoid, “That’s because,” and “You should.”

Bonus: Go with not against. When it feels like you’re pushing against someone during emotional conversations back down, listen and affirm. Ask, “How can we get where you want to go?”

How do you deal with emotional issues?

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I Made a Mistake

Image source by Petr Kratochvil

I called a person to confront an awkward leadership blunder.

Mistakes aren’t the issue; what you do with them is.

8 wrong approaches to mistakes that matter:

1. Mad Monkey approach: Jumping around making loud noises and pointing fingers.
2. Chicken approach: Brooding. Let’s sit on these eggs until something ugly hatches.
3. Possum approach: Let’s play dead. Maybe they’ll go away.
4. Squirrel on Steroids approach: Trying harder and harder without adapting.
5. Lounging Cat approach: It’s not that bad, someone will deal with it.
6. Tiger approach: Attack.
7. Weasel approach: Blame.
8. Sloth approach: We’ll deal with this later.

Tough conversations are tough, but necessary.
Sooner is better than later with mistakes that matter.

Before confronting mistakes:

1. Clarify. Get the facts. What really happened?
2. Deal with emotion. Never confront while you’re mad, hurt, or pointing fingers.
3. Plan the conversation. Write down main points. Confrontation almost never goes as planned but plan anyway.
4. Determine desired behavioral results. What needs done?
5. Establish emotional outcomes. How do you want people to feel when you’re done?

Attitude toward mistakes:

Pursue better.

“A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.” James Joyce.

Seek better, rather than perfect. Arrival is a myth. “You don’t have to go all the way to bright, just make things better.” Doug Conant, author of TouchPoints.

Four words that changed everything:

I called to deal with a leadership mistake. The first thing out of their mouth was, “I made a mistake.” Boom! Everything shifts.

Futures emerge after mistakes are owned, not until. Mistakes anchor life in the past until you say, “I screwed up.”

You look strong when you own mistakes.

Tip: Own it; never excuse it.

Final step: We scheduled a face-to-face to reconnect as leaders and clarify future steps.

What wrong approach to mistakes do you most frequently see?

How do you confront mistakes others make? What about your own?

The Top 7 Ways to End Frustrating Wait-Time

Image source by Adryana Nicoleta

Life goes down the drain while you wait. Airports, repair shops, grocery lines, and doctor’s offices ruthlessly steal time.

Time is life.
Wasted time is wasted life.

Waiting:

1. Escalates anger.
2. Strains relationships.
3. Increases stress.
4. Reduces productivity.

Planning and preparation transform frustrating wait-time to satisfying productivity.

Top 7 Ways to End Frustrating Wait-Time

1. Create a list of things to do while waiting. Look around, and ask, “What productive activities could I do right now?” Do one.
2. Write thank you notes. (Prepare for waiting by keeping thank you notes with you.)
3. Journal. Turn off email, texts, and the phone.
4. Blog. Write a blog about waiting.
5. Connect. Grocery story lines are great opportunities to say, “Hi.” (For extroverts.)
6. Meditate or pray. People will think you’re sleeping.
7. Renew a relationship. Call an old friend and say, “I was just thinking about you.”

Bonus: Help someone. Look around and see who needs a hand. Pick up garbage if you’re a clean freak.

This post was inspired by Lets Grow Leaders.

How can leaders capture wait-time?

The Secret to Frustration’s Guidance

Leaders who hurry always neglect people. If leadership is about people why rush like it’s about tasks?

But, when rushing is required, never rush alone. Mentor as you go. Enable future replacements.

Work yourself out of, not into, jobs. Exponential success requires taking things from your bucket and putting them in theirs.

But, prepare people before you let go.

Two extremes of preparation:

Letting go too fast:

I treat people like I like to be treated. I’m a learn-as-you-go type. My tendency is to give responsibilities without much preparation. Mistakes don’t bother me as long as we’re learning. Many people prefer more preparation than I need.

I frustrate those who need preparation. Learn-as-you-go leaders may need to stay closer, longer.

Hanging on too long:

On the other extreme, you may be a prepare-before-you-leap leader. You view others through your preference for preparation.

They chomp at the bit but you feel they aren’t ready. You frustrate others because preparation takes too long.

One guide, frustration:

Peak performance requires acceptable levels of frustration, anxiety, or stress. Skillful leaders manage rather than eliminate frustration in others.

Avoid letting go too fast or hanging on too long by monitoring frustration. But never fully eliminate frustration. In one case, frustration indicates you’re going too fast, in the other, too slow.

Accept frustration’s guidance. Avoid being frustrated with their frustration.

One principle, support:

Amy Lyman Cofounder of Great Place to Work® told me, “Employees in great places to work feel supported.” Support those who need more preparation by giving it. On the other hand, not helping, feels like support to others.

Fuel beneficial levels of frustration and give support at the same time.

They determine what support feels like, not you.

How can leaders determine when others are ready to take on new responsibilities?

Memo to the New Team

To the new team:

Thank you for accepting a seat at the table. I’m writing to you because you’re young and I’m counting on your new team to lift our organization to new heights.

Learning to work on a team is a powerful opportunity for you. Seize it with gusto. However…

There’s nothing natural about working on teams. Independence is normal and easy. “Leave me alone and let me work on my own.”

Working together takes work.

Dysfunctional teams – all teams are dysfunctional at first – frustrate, distract, and de-motivate.

Avoid self-destructive behaviors.

On the other hand, team work is your path to maximum, meaningful impact in career and life.

Prepare yourselves! All new teams go through four stages.

Stage one – forming: Let’s get to know each other.

1. Impression management.
2. Conflict avoidance.
3. Administrative focus. When do we meet? What responsibilities do members perform?
4. Directive leadership. Newly formed teams require more direction than mature.

Stage two storming: Let’s figure out how to work together.

1. Openness, tension, and, conflict.
2. What are we here to do?
3. What can I do?
4. What can you do?
5. What must we do?
6. When and how do we function as a team?
7. When do we work independently?
8. Directive leadership. Teach members the four stages of team development.

Know: Storming is normal and necessary. Don’t skip or short-circuit the process.

Warning: Some teams spiral into permanent ineffectiveness during storming.

1. Immature members continue impression management. The only time they speak up is in the hall, after the meeting, to complain or criticize.
2. Members never move from self-interest to team-interest.
3. Success requires clarity but finding clarity feels confusing.

Stage three and four next time.

Three team-forming tips:

1. Accept the process.
2. Express yourself kindly. Courage born in anger or fear is ugly.
3. Support others aggressively.

***

*Bruce Tuckman is the originator of forming, storming, norming, and performing.

“Three Pillars of High Performance Teams.“ 

Next post in this series: “Memo to the New Team 2/22/13.”

What team-forming tips can you suggest for new teams?

10 Steps on the Winner’s Journey

Image source by Peter Griffin

#1.  Describe wins simply; one word if possible.

#2.  Move from simplicity to clarity.

• Explain what you don’t want. Tap your frustrations for guidance. Everyone knows what they don’t want.
• Move from negatives to positives. “I want to stop losing my temper.” Controlling your temper is stopping something, a “don’t want.”
  Stopping or preventing helps but there’s more. A positive win could be asking two questions while maintaining low tones, for example.
• The win in this example could be, “Harness anger.”
• Define purpose. Why harness anger? What’s the real reason?

#3.  Make winning a series of clear destinations, not a onetime event.

A journey is a series of destinations,
not simply wandering around.

#4.  Win sooner than later, today is best. Win again tomorrow. Winners create a series of wins.

#5.  Describe two behaviors that create today’s win. Avoid behaviors you’d like to do. Describe behaviors you can do.

#6.  Identify counterproductive behaviors. Thursday I had a conversation about time management with my coach, Bob Hancox. I brought up email. Answering emails when they arrive is being managed by email. I’m turning off that dang dinger (negative) and scheduling “respond to email” times (positive).

#7.  Build sustaining relationships. What relationships help you win? What hinder? Which relationships call for transformation? How? Seek sustaining relationships with trusted:

• Clients. Yes, transform a trusted client into an ally.
• Colleagues.
• Family.
• Employees. Show direct reports that personal development matters.
• Coaches or mentors. I’ve found being and having a coach one of leadership’s most productive development activities.

Transparency, vulnerability and positive direction
define winning relationships.

#8.  Evaluate progress. When will you evaluate progress? With who?

#9.  Pat yourself on the back. When and how will you celebrate? Who celebrates with you?

#10. Redefine the win. Return to the center, frequently.

Bonus: Start again.

How are you creating personal wins?

Them

Successful leaders propel others forward. It’s about them, not you.

Magnetism inward is inevitable, persistent, and backward to leadership. Backward leaders view life through the lens of personal impact and feelings. They ask:

1. How does this impact me?
2. How does this make me feel?
3. How am I doing?

10 ways to spot selfish leaders:

1. They evaluate you but you don’t evaluate them.
2. Jabs and sarcasm that convey honest opinions in cowardly ways. (I’m all for fun, but this isn’t.)
3. Speaking for subordinates in meetings rather than inviting them to speak for themselves.
4. Suggestion boxes rather than honest conversations.
5. Focusing more on performance than on the person.
6. Anxiety concerning giving and receiving credit.
7. They talk most and listen least.
8. Withdrawal.
9. Manipulation.
10. Elitism.

Unselfish leaders know the height of your performance determines the height of their leadership.

Unselfish leader questions:

1. How are they doing?
2. How does this impact them?
3. How does this make them feel?
4. Where do they want to go?

Making others important amplifies your importance.

Minimizing others might maximize you, but it always weakens leadership.

Them:

Know their:

1. Drives. You can’t lead people you don’t understand. All you can do is manipulate, coerce, and pressure.
2. Dreams. More than knowing, help them achieve their dreams, even if they eventually exclude you.
3. Strengths.
4. Fears. They won’t tell you their fears so watch for them.
5. Frustrations. Anger reveals who they are.

Illustration of #2:

A volunteer leader is taking on new management responsibilities in our organization. I know he dreams of moving into management in his employment.

Align new responsibilities with future dreams.

How do you think he feels about volunteer opportunities that propel him toward his dream? It’s about aligning with him, not me. I serve him. It’s about release not pressure.

How do you spot an inwardly focused leader?

What behaviors enable outward focus?

Three Surprising Secrets to Creating Simplicity

Fog rolled in last week in Central Pennsylvania. Warm temperatures collided with cold snow and gray mist blanked our valley. Everything slows in fog. Everything’s more dangerous.

Complexity creates fog; simplicity clears it.

Simplicity produces clarity; clarity enables confidence.

Confidence fuels progress.

Causes of complexity:

1. Fuzzy purpose. Life is more complex and confusing for those without purpose. Clear purpose informs and emboldens decisions.
2. Options. Eliminate options to shed light on future paths. Options paralyze. Say, “No,” to a few options and find, “Yes.”
3. Imagined obstacles. I’ve watched fog roll in while those doing nothing explain why it can’t be done. When exploring options begin explaining why they work. Say, “Yes and…,” instead of, “That won’t work.” Will every option work? Of course not. Explore it before you kill it.

Creating simplicity:

1. Courageously admit you don’t know. Pretending you know is the worst fog of all. Cowards pretend they know. Courageous leaders say, “Help me understand ….” Say things like, “Tell me more, or, that point seems confusing.”
2. Move forward. Stalled progress invites thicker fog. In leadership, fog doesn’t clear, you leave it behind by stepping out.
3. Listen to anger and frustration. Anger won’t show the way but it establishes focal points and illuminates unspoken values. It tells you what’s important. Foggy leaders close their eyes and feel their way around. Anger is a flashlight in the fog. If you aren’t angry about something, you don’t care about much.

The big “P” purpose:

“How was your day?”

“It was great.”

“Why?”

“I got a lot done.”

Big deal! You got a lot done. Did purpose guide doing? You always fail unless purpose guides, regardless of what gets done. Purpose is the answer to:

1. The real reason your organizations exists.
2. What you want when you stop listening to everyone else.
3. What you want others to say about you when you’re gone.
4. What’s the big deal?

What causes complexity?

How can you create simplicity, today?