Too Afraid to Matter

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Fear binds to the present.

Paralyzing fear pats you on the back when nothing changes.

Fear cheers for the status quo.

Fear says; don’t stand out because you’ll:

1. Look foolish.
2. Screw up. (You will)
3. Get in over your head.
4. Lose what you have.
5. Seem arrogant. Others aren’t standing out. What gives you the right to think you can?

Fear of loss and criticism prevents you from doing what matters.

How to matter most:

Forget and shift:

1. Forget about being in charge. Stop thinking leadership is authority, power, command and control. Shift to serving. Bring benefit. What’s the good thing you can do for others?
2. Forget about final results. Focus on the path forward. Meaningful results never happen all at once. How can you make a difference today?
3. Forget about one. Think two. An ancient proverb says, “Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor.” Everyone needs a “with.” Who can you stand with? Who can stand with you?
4. Forget about old guard leaders who are fear-driven, controlling, and self-protective. Pass them by. They need you to be like them.
5. Forget about fanfare and recognition. Do things quietly. Spotlights come later, if at all.

Bonus: Forget about permission.

Courage:

Above all, doing what matters takes courage.

Courage is taking action while thinking of reasons not to. 

Deep courage is bringing you to opportunities and challenges. People who matter, ask:

1. What does better look like?
2. How does my story apply to this challenge?
3. What can I do?
4. What can we do?

The path:

1. Start small.
2. Start now. Starting is the most important thing you’ll do today.
3. Start “with.”

Courage needs a next step; fear needs a guarantee.

How can people overcome paralyzing fear?

One Question for All Complainers and Critics

Get out of leadership if criticism and complaints keep you up at night. You’ll die from lack of sleep.

The toughest criticism to handle is directed at a team mate or colleague, not you. Some “loving” critic shares a “helpful” suggestion that tears down, points out inadequacy, or undermines credibility.

Complainers, on the other hand, are different from critics. Complainers say, “Your team leader hurt my feelings,” for example. They don’t say it directly but, in the end, complainers aren’t getting what they feel they deserve. They want something for themselves. (They may be on target.)

Critics focus on others. Complainers focus on themselves.

The hardest part of criticisms
and complaints is the 10% that’s right.

First:

Define the win.

Avoid every activity that doesn’t have clearly defined and agreed upon wins. Ambiguous outcomes never satisfy. Watch for that bad taste or rotten smell that saturates winless activities.

All wins always propel
people and organizations forward.

All wins always have
behavioral – visible – expressions. You see them.

Criticisms and complaints spiral downward until progress is defined.

Reject:

Never affirm speculations about bad motives.

Some complainers love explaining the bad motives and intentions of others. Immediately reject hints and innuendos that your colleague intentionally harmed others. The moment you hear, “They did that because (fill in malicious intention),” know you’re dealing with an ass.

Step back and watch a line in the sand appear at the hint a member of my team has malevolent motives.

Human:

Courageously build human environments that make room for imperfection. People have frailties and inadequacies; they screw up.

Progress is a win in human organizations;
perfection a myth.

Close the doors and go home if perfection is the goal.

Question:

Answer criticisms and complaints about colleagues and teammates with,

“How can I help you with this?”

Asking this question:

1. Takes people seriously.
2. Searches for wins.
3. Expresses compassion.
4. Assigns responsibility.

How can leaders respond when they receive complaints or criticisms of teammates or colleagues?

Next week’s best leadership development opportunity is a free conference call with bestselling author, Doug Conant. Join me on March 27 at 1:00 p.m. EST.

Exposing god-like Advisers

There’s a long line of individuals who tell you how to lead. Nearly all do the same thing. They tell you how they would do it. But, they aren’t you.

Arrogant advisers believe they are gods molding people into their image, whether they admit it or not.

Many have given me advice, over the years. Nearly all told me how to improve by becoming more like them; its arrogance, perhaps unintentional, but arrogance none the less.

Additionally, I’ve watched older leaders advising young leaders. I’ve seen them puff up because advice-giving is heady for those molding the world into their image. It affirms their god complex. It’s disgusting.

I can count on one hand the number of humble advisers I’ve been privileged to learn from.

Humble advisers help mold you into your best self, not theirs.

One of my trusted advisers offered me some unrequested feedback yesterday. It was about the use of video in a presentation. I’d changed a technique and he noticed it right away. It was useful, not because he wants me to be like him, but because he knows and accepts who I want to be.

6 components of humble advice:

1. Explore your advisee’s person, intentions and goals. Arrogant advisers believe they know when they don’t.
2. Uncover gaps between intention and behavior. Powerful feedback begins with, “It looks like you’re trying to accomplish (insert goal) when you (insert behavior).”
3. Dig into attitudes and behaviors that hinder progress. “What isn’t working?”
4. Ask, “What would your best self, do?”
5. Apply strengths. “How can your strengths, passions, and skills more fully align with your intentions?”
6. Throw yourself into the mix. “Have you thought about (insert behavior)?”

What type of adviser best helps you?

What type of adviser do you want to be?

Memo to the New Team

To the new team:

Thank you for accepting a seat at the table. I’m writing to you because you’re young and I’m counting on your new team to lift our organization to new heights.

Learning to work on a team is a powerful opportunity for you. Seize it with gusto. However…

There’s nothing natural about working on teams. Independence is normal and easy. “Leave me alone and let me work on my own.”

Working together takes work.

Dysfunctional teams – all teams are dysfunctional at first – frustrate, distract, and de-motivate.

Avoid self-destructive behaviors.

On the other hand, team work is your path to maximum, meaningful impact in career and life.

Prepare yourselves! All new teams go through four stages.

Stage one – forming: Let’s get to know each other.

1. Impression management.
2. Conflict avoidance.
3. Administrative focus. When do we meet? What responsibilities do members perform?
4. Directive leadership. Newly formed teams require more direction than mature.

Stage two storming: Let’s figure out how to work together.

1. Openness, tension, and, conflict.
2. What are we here to do?
3. What can I do?
4. What can you do?
5. What must we do?
6. When and how do we function as a team?
7. When do we work independently?
8. Directive leadership. Teach members the four stages of team development.

Know: Storming is normal and necessary. Don’t skip or short-circuit the process.

Warning: Some teams spiral into permanent ineffectiveness during storming.

1. Immature members continue impression management. The only time they speak up is in the hall, after the meeting, to complain or criticize.
2. Members never move from self-interest to team-interest.
3. Success requires clarity but finding clarity feels confusing.

Stage three and four next time.

Three team-forming tips:

1. Accept the process.
2. Express yourself kindly. Courage born in anger or fear is ugly.
3. Support others aggressively.

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*Bruce Tuckman is the originator of forming, storming, norming, and performing.

“Three Pillars of High Performance Teams.“ 

Next post in this series: “Memo to the New Team 2/22/13.”

What team-forming tips can you suggest for new teams?

Who Cheers for You

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You cheer for others. Who cheers for you?

Some can’t stand it if you’re “too” happy.

Most are ok if you’re a little bit happy or a little bit successful, … if you’re average.

It’s okay to long for more but whatever you do, don’t actually reach for it. And heaven forbid if it happens.

Too Happy:

If you’re too happy, kill-joys give you a good dose of “reality.” Too much success and they’ll warn, “Watch out for arrogance.”

Maybe it’s a parent, spouse, boss, or colleague. You find yourself holding back your enthusiasm around them because you know they can’t stand it.

Vulnerable:

I’m never more vulnerable than when I’m celebrating. Someone comes along and lets me know that I’m not quite there, yet. Ouch!

Ever share you’re excitement and have someone remain detached?  Thanks a million! You learn to keep celebrations to yourself.

Creating cheerleaders:

1. Take a vacation from critiques, tweaks, and improvements. Establish no-negativity time. Saturday morning is positive-time, for example. No improvements. No tweaks. Just positive speech or silence. Make it fun. Establish a fine for violations. Put the money in the pizza fund.
2. Receive praise with gratitude. The problem may be you. The less comfortable you are at receiving praise, the less frequently it occurs.
3. Establish the 3-to-1 rule. Call everyone to make three positive statements for every negative. Positive speech builds positive environments. Words are rudders.
4. Celebrate small. Stop waiting for the big stuff.
5. Find a brag buddy. (An idea I first heard from Jon Acuff)
6. Stop people before they add the negative to a positive.

Bonus: Invite whiners, kill-joys, and complainers to make three positive statements. Say, “I’ll wait.”

How can you build a positive vibe around your life and leadership?

Overcoming the Downside of Pursuing Excellence

The problem with the pursuit of excellence is there is no done, only better.

Done satisfies. Move on. Yes!

There is no check box in the pursuit of excellence.

The second challenge with the pursuit of excellence is feedback. Excellence demands feedback but feedback begins in the past. Beware, the past sucks in like black holes.

Danger of “should have”:

“Should have” is the language of regret. “You should have…,” puts down.

“Should have” corrects the past; something impossible to do. “We should have…,” belittles past wisdom, effort, and passion.

Should-have-leaders honor critics and, in so doing, create more critics. “You’re right, I should have…,” is an invitation for second-guessers, nay-sayers, and critics. You get what you honor.

Next time:

“Next time” is better than “should have.”

“Next time” honors participants and ignores critics.

Next-time-leaders:

1. Honor effort, learning, and progress.
2. Build platforms for future initiatives.
3. Look to the future more than the past.
4. Instill hope and show confidence.
5. Ask, “What did we learn?”

No “next time”:

Critics judge, they never focus on next time. They don’t add value.

Critics sit on the sidelines, seldom offering useful suggestions. They tear down.

If the best you can do is point out failures in others,
you’re probably failing yourself.

Participants, on the other hand, build the future by offering insightful evaluations coupled with positive suggestions.

Momentum:

“Should have” ties to the past. “Next time” maintains momentum.

Bonus tip:

“What worked” and “What didn’t work” is better than “What went wrong?”.

How does the pursuit of excellence turn negative in organizations?

How can leaders pursue excellence in positive ways?

 

The 10 Ways to Gain Influence

If leadership is influence then dominance and coercion aren’t leading. Police have rightful authority to control. Relying on power, authority, or position, makes you look like a cop writing speeding tickets.

Danger:

Dominant leaders achieve compliance at the expense of loyally, inspiration, and innovation.

If you want to lead, increase your influence.

Approval:

Increasing your influence means gaining permission to lead.

Influence requires approval.

People want to join with others and make a difference in the world. In short, they want to be led. But, if the led don’t consent to your leadership, command and control are your only options.

When leadership is influence, those you lead give permission to your leadership. They aren’t forced.

Understanding:

People are influenced by those who understand them. Permission to lead is given by those who feel known, appreciated, affirmed, and respected. When people feel you understand their talents, drives, hopes, and fears you earn their consent to lead.

Approving of others helps them
approve of your leadership.

Challenge:

Criticism and correction diminish influence
when it feels like disapproval.

Three reasons influential leaders criticize or correct:

1. Correction is always for the benefit of the person being corrected.
2. Criticism improves their ability to make positive difference within the organization.
3. Capability to achieve a shared mission is enhanced.

10 Essentials of influence:

1. Clearly stating what you want.
2. Asking questions of others.
3. Inviting questions from others.
4. Openness to the influence of others.
5. Working together toward shared goals.
6. Authenticity.
7. Relationship building.
8. Asking for suggestions, advice, and input.
9. Making the case and giving reasons.
10. Shared values.

See input from others on my Facebook Page.

Engagement: I’m giving my presentation, “A Life Where Failure Matters,” at Life Church in Lancaster, PA this Sunday, November 4, at 10:30 a.m. I’d love to meet you there.

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What can you add to the 10 essentials of gain influence?

Right or Wrong Isn’t the Issue

This post is inspired by a reader who writes,

“I believe that leaders make decision not based on what is right or wrong but what is relevant in the context.”

Most leadership decisions are about good, better, and best, not right and wrong. They aren’t moral.

Moral decisions aren’t compromised. Options,
on the other hand, are explored and modified.

Treating non-moral decisions like moral – right or wrong – choices, establishes adversarial relationships. Church people do this when they fight over methods, programs, or the color of the church’s front door.

Treating options like moral decisions makes
you look like an out-of-balance fool. Chill out!

Options have a good, better, or best. Explore, explain, and lobby for the option you think is best. Give reasons and data. Then make a choice.

Don’t be offended, but non-moral
choices can always be improved.

After choices:

Passionate implementation, not second guessing,  follows decisions. Grab an oar and row. But, you ask, “What if I disagree? Get over it or get out.

One of the hardest leadership challenges is dealing with good people who drag their feet. Detractors and foot draggers always harm organizations. Get them fully on board or eliminate them.

Encourage passionate debate before choices are made; after, call for passionate loyalty.

After implementation:

Implementation is followed by evaluation. Evaluation isn’t second guessing; it’s the pursuit of good, better, or best.

Evaluation isn’t, “I wish we would have, or, I told you so.” It’s, “How do we improve?” Saying, “Should have,” doesn’t sit well with those who are giving their best.

Cowards stand in the shadows second guessing. On the other hand, committed leaders say, “Here’s where we are, how can we improve?”

There are many solutions to complex problems.

Have you seen leaders who made decisions as if they were moral choices? What happens?

How are options best explored?

Something’s Always Broken

Success always has failure in it. Weak leaders pretend and fearful leaders need everything to be okay. But, nothing works perfectly.

You’re never successful without failure.

Every initiative, program, event, or project has glitches, inefficiencies, and dropped balls.

Improving and Fixing:

The downside of improving is oppression. “Isn’t it ever good enough?” However, strong cultures create environments where the pursuit of better is expected, embraced, and enjoyed.

Jeremy Kubicek, CEO of GiANT Impact, uses “curbsides.” After client appoinments, teams huddle curbside to evaluate the meeting. They discuss what worked, didn’t work, and how to improve, before they go their separate ways.

Systematic evaluation prevents
performance feedback from becoming personal.

Chris LoCurto, told me about after-event meetings when he was VP of Live Events for Dave Ramsey. He remembers the first meeting where he asked what wasn’t working. “No one said much. So, I shared what I could improve.”

“Treat people with dignity.
Don’t let people be blamed.
Focus on issues. Everyone makes mistakes.”
Chris LoCurto

The second after-event meeting was a little better until someone said, “So and so did…” Chris told the team we’re not playing the blame game. We’re focusing on issues. He said, “I wanted team members to talk about their failures in front of their peers.”

“When you allow people to make mistakes
they’re free to take on more responsibility.”
Chris LoCurto

Chris believes after-event meetings were pivotal to creating strong team connections. He saw team mates bring their strengths to the weaknesses of others, for example. Furthermore, authentic communication freed team members to rise up and lead.

How can leaders create environments where the pursuit of better is embraced and enjoyed rather than being oppressive?

Those who Discourage Destroy

It’s shockingly easy to discourage others. It takes no skill to knock people down. It’s the joy of fools to drag down.

Leaders encourage – losers discourage.

Discouragement comes quickly, easily, and without thought. Encouragement – positive momentum – is a fragile flame that requires fuel, protection, and repetition.

Encouragement fuels success;
discouragement destroys it.

Nine ways to discourage others:

1. Pile on work until they’re buried and then punish their mistakes or short-falls.
2. Always know more.
3. Criticize from the sidelines.
4. Focusing on the negative past or dark future.
5. Neglect forward focus.
6. Withholding recognition and reward.
7. Minimizing hard work by saying, “You’ve done well but you still have far to go.”
8. Take credit for their work.
9. Improve on their work while not working yourself.

Power of encouragement:

Discouraged people overestimate problems and underestimate opportunities. Don’t argue with their assessments. The issue is discouragement. Focus on encouraging, perceptions will change. Encouraged people courageously see opportunities and take next steps.

Bonus tip: Intervene before discouragement sets in. It’s easier to fuel a fire than light one.

Decisive action:

Weak leaders go with the flow. Effective leaders create positive flow while standing against discouragement.

Identify those who discourage others and minimize their roles. Coach and train them. If they don’t change, manage them out. Discouragers are destroyers.

What have you seen leaders do that discourage others?

Has someone encouraged you? What did they do?