Too Afraid to Matter

Image source
***

Fear binds to the present.

Paralyzing fear pats you on the back when nothing changes.

Fear cheers for the status quo.

Fear says; don’t stand out because you’ll:

1. Look foolish.
2. Screw up. (You will)
3. Get in over your head.
4. Lose what you have.
5. Seem arrogant. Others aren’t standing out. What gives you the right to think you can?

Fear of loss and criticism prevents you from doing what matters.

How to matter most:

Forget and shift:

1. Forget about being in charge. Stop thinking leadership is authority, power, command and control. Shift to serving. Bring benefit. What’s the good thing you can do for others?
2. Forget about final results. Focus on the path forward. Meaningful results never happen all at once. How can you make a difference today?
3. Forget about one. Think two. An ancient proverb says, “Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor.” Everyone needs a “with.” Who can you stand with? Who can stand with you?
4. Forget about old guard leaders who are fear-driven, controlling, and self-protective. Pass them by. They need you to be like them.
5. Forget about fanfare and recognition. Do things quietly. Spotlights come later, if at all.

Bonus: Forget about permission.

Courage:

Above all, doing what matters takes courage.

Courage is taking action while thinking of reasons not to. 

Deep courage is bringing you to opportunities and challenges. People who matter, ask:

1. What does better look like?
2. How does my story apply to this challenge?
3. What can I do?
4. What can we do?

The path:

1. Start small.
2. Start now. Starting is the most important thing you’ll do today.
3. Start “with.”

Courage needs a next step; fear needs a guarantee.

How can people overcome paralyzing fear?

How to Bring Out the Best

Bringing out your best is child’s play compared to bringing out their best.

Leaders who bring out the best in others make courage possible. Nothing meaningful happens without courage.

Encourage courage.

Everyone is still unlearning the necessary fear parents taught us. Leaders have the courage to develop courage in others.

Who before what:

Bringing out the best in others begins with “who” not “what.” Know who you’re dealing with, before thinking about what you want them to do. Are they…

Deep or shallow:

Some respond well to being thrown into the deep end. Throw them in. Others prefer the shallow end. They prefer to learn courage gradually.

In either case, successful leaders grow the courage muscles of others.

History:

Bring out the best in others by knowing their past. The past directs the future.

1. How did they responded to new assignments?
2. What have they learned from failure?
3. What motivated them in the past?
4. Who did they mesh with?
5. Who rubbed them the wrong way?

Heart:

Bring out the best by knowing their heart. What are their values and aspirations. Are they working for advancement, for example.

You know what makes you tick.
Leaders know what makes them tick.

How can leaders bring out the best in others?

Facing Reluctance

Don’t waste yourself. You can – you must – lead.

Every connection, challenge, problem, pain-point, opportunity, or exchange, opens doors to leadership – to make things better.

Reject:

1. Embarrassment with your desire to make things better.
2. Waiting for titles or position. Leadership isn’t a title.
3. Beat-down from do-nothing detractors.
4. Traditional command and control leadership.

Every time you stifle your longing to matter,
you lose a piece of yourself.

Terminology:

Are you uncomfortable with the terms leader and leadership? Redefine them. Leadership is:

1. Influencing. Ask, “What’s important?”
2. Seeking a step toward better. Ask, “What’s next?”
3. Bringing value to others. Ask, “How can I help?”
4. Solving problems with others. Ask, “Can we fix this?”
5. Bringing yourself to challenges and opportunities. Ask, “What can I bring?”

If you can’t say, “I’m a leader,” say I’m an:

1. Influencer.
2. Collaborator.
3. Solution seeker.
4. Simplifier.
5. Liberator.
6. Next step taker.
7. Value adder.
8. Improver.

Don’t let others define you. Define yourself in terms of  your passion. Stop muffling your inner longing to make a difference.

8 tips for finding your leadership:

1. Give yourself permission. It’s always OK to do good.
2. Be you. If you like organizing, then organize, for example.
3. Help others know they matter. You matter most when you help others know they matter.
4. Step toward better.
5. Thank critics. “Thanks for telling me I can’t make a difference!” (sarcasm) Losers want you to lose too.
6. Tell a friend you want to step up.
7. Do something every week that develops you.
8. Bring others in. Leaders connect rather than retreat.

Following:

If everyone leads, who follows? Leading includes following, supporting, and enabling. Leading isn’t fighting for power and control. Great followers have hearts of leaders.

Listen to secret, stifled yearnings that whisper, “You matter.”  You’re surrounded by “ordinary” people who lead. Be one. Do something.

How can reluctant leaders find their leadership?

12 Ways to Find Your Confidence

***

Lack of confidence is the dirty secret in top leaders. Insecure leaders often cover insecurities with strutting. Cocky is compensation for lack of confidence.

Cocky is phony confidence.

Puffing up, putting down, posturing, excuse making, and negative comparisons express – lack of confidence – cockiness.

The need to feel superior means you aren’t.

Confidence vs. Cocky

1. Invites in – Pushes away.
2. Inspires – Insults.
3. Relaxed – Stressed.
4. One of – One above.
5. Lifts up – Pushes down.
6. Accepts – Rejects.
7. Releases – Controls.
8. Belonging – Alone.
9. Joy – Fear.
10. Transparent – Phony.

See: The difference between arrogance and confidence is _______, on Facebook. (Great insights from readers)

Reason:

Relational impact is the reason you care about cockiness.

Effective leaders connect. Cocky leaders disconnect, close doors, and shut out.

Confident leaders explore, learn, develop,
and grow in the context of community.

Finding confidence:

1. Reflect on and embrace your beliefs.
2. Reject cocky behaviors. When you feel like pushing others away, pull in, for example.
3. Focus on giving more than getting.
4. Accept your strengths and weaknesses.
5. Develop experience.
6. Adopt a learners attitude.
7. Admit mistakes without excuse and commit to improve.
8. Hold your ground, kindly.
9. Separate performance from intrinsic value.
10. Smile.
11. Plan. Develop first responses to unanticipated questions. Say, “I’m not sure of the answer, let me get back to you,” for example.
12. Share insecurities with friends. Bringing insecurities into the light often weakens them.

Bonus article: “10 Powerful Strategies to Build Your Confidence“

How can leaders find confidence?

16 Dumb Questions You’re Afraid to Ask

The hardest question to ask is the obvious one. Fearful leaders remain silent. Courageous leaders ask.

1. What are we doing?
2. Compared to what?
3. Who said?
4. Why not? Move from “either/or” to “and” by asking, “Why not?”
5. What problem are we solving?
6. What’s working? How? Why?
7. Begin agenda items by asking, “What questions should we ask?”
8. What are our values? When employees cut themselves, values should come out.
9. Which of our values is driving this decision? How?
10. Where are we going?
11. Who are we?
12. How does this take us where we want to go?
13. Who is our customer?
14. What value do we deliver?
15. How are we communicating our value to customers? Unperceived value isn’t valuable.
16. How am I doing?

Bonus: What are we afraid to ask?

Power:

The best way to challenge the status quo is with questions. Dumb questions test basic assumptions. But, fear of looking dumb makes us ignorant.

“It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question,” Decouvertes.

When you think you know, assume you don’t.

Questions create confusion initially
and end confusion eventually.

Bonus tip #1: Ask questions that lead to action. Knowledge emerges when people take uncertain action.

Bonus tip #2: Always follow questions with silence.

Interested in more: Read Facebook responses to: “Leaders should ask stupid questions like _______.”

How have dumb questions helped you?

What dumb question can you suggest?

From Tantrums to Leadership

Image source by by Piotr Siedlecki

Weak, fearful leaders are like unrully two year olds. They create messes and throw tantrums. Undeveloped, incompetent leaders are “takers” who believe followers exist to serve them

Weak leaders take:

1. Control. All micro-managers are fearful.
2. Power. Weak leaders fill their need for power by dis-empowering others.
3. Energy. Immature leaders suck energy rather than give it.

Danger:

Six foot, two hundred pound, two year olds are dangerous, destructive, and deadly. Imagine a full grown adult kicking and screaming like an angry toddler. Scary!

Your inner two year old:

When you’re stressed, insecure or exhausted, you’re inner two year old screams to get out. He cries, “Pay attention to me.” Wise leaders listen to their needy, selfish, inner two year old.

Never ignore a screaming two year old.

Screaming two year olds have unmet needs. It’s not pretty but scream gets the job done.

Feeding:

Unfed two year olds get grumpy. Nurture the “little person” inside before the little brat destroys you and others. Never ignore an agitated inner two year old. 

Ignored needs grow.

Constant giving creates empty cups. Take care of you so you can take care of others.

Rockabye baby:

1. Turn off electronic devices.
2. Let go of something.
3. Share inner secrets with someone you trust.
4. Walk with a friend.
5. Hold hands. Better yet, hug.
6. Read a book for pleasure.
7. Do what you want to do.
8. Say, “No.”
9. Write an “I’m thankful for _____.” list.
10. Take a nap.
11. Pray.
12. Complete several small tasks.

Exhausted leaders are fearful leaders. Vince Lombardi said, “Fatigue makes cowards of us all.” Re-energize you in order to energize them.

Recharge before you become totally dischared.

You aren’t the energizer bunny.

When do you know it’s time to re-charge?

How do you re-charge your batteries?

 

Success is Harder than Failure

This post began as an email. It’s my response to a person who shared their mixed feelings regarding unexpected success and opportunity.

***

I’ve been thinking about our conversation regarding the problem of success and opportunity.

Those who succeed in unexpected ways know that success is harder than failure. We are excited with opportunities but they also feel uncomfortable, like new shoes. We should feel more gratitude and less anxiety.

When views were in the hundreds, writing Leadership Freak was easier. Today, with views in the millions, writing Leadership Freak feels a bit like new shoes. Additionally, opportunities come my way that exceed my expectations.

Yesterday, the leader of a 2 billion dollar government agency shook my hand and said, “I’m a huge fan.” It felt great. I also felt like hiding under the table.

Trust:

Someone told me, when Leadership Freak started taking off, “Trust Yourself.” This morning, I share that with you. Trust yourself.

Know:

Don’t get lost in opportunites. Know yourself. Take time to reflect on who you are. Let who you are guide what you do.

Bring:

Bring yourself to challenges and opportunities. Don’t bring someone else. Just bring you. If you want stress, try being someone else.

Story:

The classic story of David and Goliath has important lessons for leaders who face challenges and opportunities. (I don’t care if you think the story is fiction or fact. The lessons relate.)

David, a young shepherd, saw the challenge, Goliath. Those around him tried to tell him how to face the challenge.

They said, “Put on armor; use this sword.” They wanted him to do it their way, even though they were unwilling to face the challenge themselves.

Ultimately David faced the challenge his way, with a sling and a stone. He brought himself.

Trust Yourself

Bring Yourself

Be Yourself 

I’m a man of faith so my personal lists begins, Trust God. Regardless of your faith, my suggests remain.

How can leaders face the challenges of unexpected success and opportunity?

Last chance to register:

Another way to face opportunities is develop yourself. Today’s best FREE leadership development opportunity is a LIVE conference call at 1:00 p.m. EST with the former CEO of Campbell Soup Co.

Don’t miss it!

For All the Danny Downers

You want the people around you to feel up not down, hopeful not discouraged. All successful leaders energize others. But, what if you aren’t the energizing type?

Peter Senge said,

“Your primary influence is the environment you create.”

Leaders often neglect environments in favor of getting work done.

Tending personal environments:

Personal space has energy. Step in and it pulls down or lifts up. Danny Downer is a spiraling vortex of despair. An hour with him drains you. Hours later, you’re still climbing out of his dark hole. Or you’ve given up.

Edna  Energizer amps people. An hour with her boosts you. Hours later, you’re half way up the mountain with energy to spare.

We’re all climbers.

All leaders impact “the climb” of others by establishing starting places. Energizing leaders elevate starting points; low energy leaders lower them.

Successful leaders elevate starting points.

Danny Downer:

1. Fears offending others – lives to please everyone.
2. Imagines obstacles that can’t be solved.
3. Knows all the reasons nothing can change.
4. Questions abilities.
5. Focuses on resources rather than people.

Edna Energizer:

1. Builds and trusts the team. Danny feels alone.
2. Takes small steps without permission. She believes it’s better to get in trouble trying things than doing nothing and staying safe.
3. Sees obstacles but imagines progress.
4. Learns from failure.
5. Expects herself and others to step up.

The difference between Danny and Edna is courage.  Leadership requires courage. Danny’s a coward.

For all the Danny Downers:

1. Admit it. You are darkness with legs. (If you’re tempted to say it’s not that bad, it is.)
2. Confess it. Tell someone you’re a downer. Say, “I want to change.”
3. Get help. Run – don’t walk – to energizing leaders and learn.
4. Define energizing behaviors. Changing attitude helps but changing behaviors changes things.

Everyone feels the environment around you. Energize intentionally. The higher you start the further you’ll go.

How can leaders create personal space that energizes others?

Next week’s best leadership development opportunity is a free conference call with bestselling author, Doug Conant. Join me on March 27 at 1:00 p.m. EST.

How to Seize Your Greatest Opportunities

Opportunity is ugly.

Opportunity is a door that feels like a wall, an open window that feels shut, or a ceiling that feels too low.

Mud disguises, pain exposes, and fear illuminates opportunity.

Distinguish your leadership:

Great leaders face great challenges and solve great problems. Clear the mud. Solve the pain. Face the fear. Rise up and address issues others run from.

Leaders without obstacles are ships without wind.

Run toward rather than away. The giant you slay expands your influence.

Frustration is opportunity.

Enhanced influence and profound results wait beyond frustrations, complications, and disappointments.

Struggle:

Struggle transforms. Success, on the other hand, makes you more of who you were.

Power to seize opportunities comes from understanding and addressing your greatest struggle.

Greatest struggle:

The greatest battles lie within. On the other hand, inner struggle is leadership’s most profound opportunity. All leaders struggle with inner questions like:

1. Do I matter?
2. What do I believe?
3. What’s important?
4. What’s my greatest value?
5. How can I connect?
6. Can I do this?
7. What if I fail?

Greatest opportunity:

Your greatest opportunity is building structures that develop and strengthen your inner person.

You’re crushed from without when there’s nothing within.

Inner strength comes from things like:

1. Faith.
2. Quiet solitude.
3. Listening and self-reflection.
4. Deep, honest relationships.
5. Exposing struggle rather than ignoring it.
6. Honest, often painful, feedback.
7. Reading.
8. Prayer.
9. Humility.
10. Mentors. Every person of profound influence stands on the shoulders of others.

Every successful leader eventually understands the battle is within.

Others control you when you don’t.

The issue is you not them.

Changing the world:

Solve great problems by bringing yourself to challenges, obstacles, and frustrations.

Identity determines impact.

Who you are transcends what you do. But, before you bring yourself, you must know and nurture yourself; otherwise you’re an empty cup.

How can leaders strengthen their inner person in ways that enhance leadership?

Join me on March 27 for a free conference call with a leader who helps leaders develop personal leadership models.

Five Strategies for Changing Others

It’s “Sprinter” in Central Pennsylvania. Spring isn’t here. Winter hangs on. One day it’s sunny and warm. Yesterday it snowed!

Change comes slowly. Winter won’t let Spring arrive. It’s the time of uncertainty and reluctance.

Change:

Unwilling to change is arrogant resistance, fearful reluctance, or ignorant blindness. Or maybe the present is just fine.

My preference is changing others not me. Changing others enhances potential and extends capacity. Changing others feels like adding new brush strokes to paintings.

Changing me, on the other hand, feels like drilling cavities without Novocain.

Seeing Oz or not:

My focus on the future makes me wonder why you resist change. Can’t you see the glow of Oz just around the corner?

While I see Oz, you’re seeing Kansas and it looks pretty damn good compared to a fuzzy glow in the distance.

Your dreams don’t change others until others dream them.

I think about reaching forward and feel excitement. You think about letting go and feel afraid.

How to change others:

1. Work on changing you before others. Go no further until you’ve made changes!
2. Don’t demonize Kansas unless it’s already disappointing. Criticizing an acceptable present to those who built it makes enemies not allies.
3. Celebrate the people and behaviors that built the present. They build the future. Don’t insult them.
4. Talk about Oz in the language of Kansas. Connect with their passion to make a difference. Ignite aspirations. Often, inspiring others centers on helping others find courage.
5. Paint others in the picture. Help them see where they fit in. Connect current passion with future possibility. When people see themselves in the future they find courage to release the past.

Change begins by imagining new futures. Belief in the future releases Spring’s life. But, clinging to the present strengthens Winter’s grip.

How can leaders become effective agents of change?