Top Five Qualities of an Asshole

“We have a no asshole policy at Baird.” (Beth Kavelaris, Director of Culture & Integration, Robert W. Baird & Co. at the Great Place to Work Annual Conference 2013)

I was impressed with Beth’s candor. Baird manages nearly $97 billion in client assets at more than 100 locations scattered around the globe.

Definition:

“How do you define asshole?” a participant at the conference asked. Beth said, “Everyone knows what an asshole is.”

I thought I’d check her theory by offering my list of asshole traits.

Assholes:

1. Don’t know or don’t care that they’re assholes.
2. Trample on feelings.
3. Maintain rigid inflexibility.
4. Smile to your face and stab you in the back.
5. Live in self-centered worlds.

Tolerating assholes:

Bosses who tolerate assholes are bossholes.

Don’t be fooled by bossholes who smile and apologize for jerk-employees. I’ve known some very nice bossholes who allow others to feel the pain of working with assholes.

Bossholes care about the numbers
and neglect organizational culture.

Too nice:

Beth said our family culture at Baird makes us tolerate assholes too long.

It’s hard for nice people to confront “not so nice” people. Taken to an extreme, it’s dysfunctional. Families who tolerate and compensate for irresponsible behaviors are dysfunctional.

Too nice isn’t nice.

Rehabilitation:

Another participant asked if assholes can be rehabilitated. Beth said we’ve learned that you can’t rehabilitate an asshole who won’t admit they are an asshole.

How do you define an asshole?

What suggestions can you offer for dealing with assholes?

Seven Proven Strategies for Dealing with Liars

Image source by George Hodan

Leaders lie because they don’t care enough to tell the truth. It’s too much trouble convincing know-it-alls, for example, so they smile and let them believe they’re right. They say, “That sounds fine.” But they’re shading the truth.

Leaders lie to:

1. Build image.
2. Save face.
3. Prevent turmoil.
4. Solve conflict.
5. Distract or misdirect.
6. Manipulate others.
7. Protect information.
8. Put others down.
9. Elevate stocks.
10. Deceive themselves.

Bonus: Lying leaders pretend they know when they don’t. (One of the dumbest lies.)

Leaders believe lying is wrong but do it anyway.

Lying is always about some form of advantage.

Liars place their interests ahead of yours.

Bosses promise raises but don’t intend to deliver. Employees say they’ve done it when they haven’t. (See: The first lie I told at work.)

Seven strategies for dealing with liars:

1. Act quickly. Time is the liar’s friend.
2. Develop skepticism. Always begin with empathy, but, tender hearts are vulnerable to lies.
3. Be interested. Expose liars by asking questions like: How do you know? Who did you speak with? When did that happen? Who was there? What happened next?
4. Include others. Don’t talk to liars alone, have witnesses.
5. Validate by communicating with email.
6. Protect yourself. Don’t lie but don’t tell everything, either. Vulnerability is stupid when dealing with liars.
7. Confront liars you love. I know, we’re supposed to love everyone. Don’t lie to yourself, you don’t.

Bonus: Cultivate transparency – speak publicly – avoid unnecessary secrets. Tell all involved, who does what by when, for example.

Related posts:

12 True Behaviors that Expose Liars

Lying at work

Top Ten Lies Leaders Tell Themselves

See the growing list of responses on Facebook to the fill-in: Leaders lie because ______.

How can leaders deal with liars?

Memo to the New Team

To the new team:

Thank you for accepting a seat at the table. I’m writing to you because you’re young and I’m counting on your new team to lift our organization to new heights.

Learning to work on a team is a powerful opportunity for you. Seize it with gusto. However…

There’s nothing natural about working on teams. Independence is normal and easy. “Leave me alone and let me work on my own.”

Working together takes work.

Dysfunctional teams – all teams are dysfunctional at first – frustrate, distract, and de-motivate.

Avoid self-destructive behaviors.

On the other hand, team work is your path to maximum, meaningful impact in career and life.

Prepare yourselves! All new teams go through four stages.

Stage one – forming: Let’s get to know each other.

1. Impression management.
2. Conflict avoidance.
3. Administrative focus. When do we meet? What responsibilities do members perform?
4. Directive leadership. Newly formed teams require more direction than mature.

Stage two storming: Let’s figure out how to work together.

1. Openness, tension, and, conflict.
2. What are we here to do?
3. What can I do?
4. What can you do?
5. What must we do?
6. When and how do we function as a team?
7. When do we work independently?
8. Directive leadership. Teach members the four stages of team development.

Know: Storming is normal and necessary. Don’t skip or short-circuit the process.

Warning: Some teams spiral into permanent ineffectiveness during storming.

1. Immature members continue impression management. The only time they speak up is in the hall, after the meeting, to complain or criticize.
2. Members never move from self-interest to team-interest.
3. Success requires clarity but finding clarity feels confusing.

Stage three and four next time.

Three team-forming tips:

1. Accept the process.
2. Express yourself kindly. Courage born in anger or fear is ugly.
3. Support others aggressively.

***

*Bruce Tuckman is the originator of forming, storming, norming, and performing.

“Three Pillars of High Performance Teams.“ 

Next post in this series: “Memo to the New Team 2/22/13.”

What team-forming tips can you suggest for new teams?

10 Remarkable Qualities of Wise Leaders

Wisdom is about behavior not intelligence.

Wisdom is practical not theoretical; skillful not academic. Wisdom gets things done. Fools sit and talk while the wise move out. I’m not suggestion it’s foolish to explore options and discuss plans. I’m saying wise leaders add more value than foolish.

On the other hand, foolish leaders don’t talk enough. If this seems contradictory with what I said before, it is.

You need wisdom and the ability to identify wisdom.

10 remarkable qualities of wise leaders

Wise leaders:

1. Energize others.
2. Choose character over talent.
3. Ask, “What are we learning?”
4. Enrich the leadership of others.
5. Speak well of others.
6. Honor effort and progress as well as results.
7. Wonder and doubt while moving forward at the same time.
8. Delegate decisions; retain responsibility.
9. Believe time is always short.
10. Say, “Teach me.” Wise leaders hang with wise people. They know the need to always appear wise isn’t wise.

Bonus: Wise leaders know talking isn’t doing.

10 disastrous marks of foolish leaders

Foolish leaders:

1. Assume.
2. Create turmoil.
3. Never finish and move on.
4. Love leading but reject following.
5. Choose sides in squabbles.
6. Voice frustrations immediately.
7. Exercise authority but won’t submit to authority.
8. Don’t make mistakes; they’re always right. (Sarcasm intended)
9. Concentrate on the present and neglect the future.
10. Grow arrogant with success. Past success never guarantees future success.

Today’s challenge: Intentionally practice one behavior of wise leaders and jettison one mark of foolish leaders.

What quality of wise leaders carries the most weight? Why?

What mark of foolish leaders is most damaging? Why?

What can you add to either list?

Right or Wrong Isn’t the Issue

This post is inspired by a reader who writes,

“I believe that leaders make decision not based on what is right or wrong but what is relevant in the context.”

Most leadership decisions are about good, better, and best, not right and wrong. They aren’t moral.

Moral decisions aren’t compromised. Options,
on the other hand, are explored and modified.

Treating non-moral decisions like moral – right or wrong – choices, establishes adversarial relationships. Church people do this when they fight over methods, programs, or the color of the church’s front door.

Treating options like moral decisions makes
you look like an out-of-balance fool. Chill out!

Options have a good, better, or best. Explore, explain, and lobby for the option you think is best. Give reasons and data. Then make a choice.

Don’t be offended, but non-moral
choices can always be improved.

After choices:

Passionate implementation, not second guessing,  follows decisions. Grab an oar and row. But, you ask, “What if I disagree? Get over it or get out.

One of the hardest leadership challenges is dealing with good people who drag their feet. Detractors and foot draggers always harm organizations. Get them fully on board or eliminate them.

Encourage passionate debate before choices are made; after, call for passionate loyalty.

After implementation:

Implementation is followed by evaluation. Evaluation isn’t second guessing; it’s the pursuit of good, better, or best.

Evaluation isn’t, “I wish we would have, or, I told you so.” It’s, “How do we improve?” Saying, “Should have,” doesn’t sit well with those who are giving their best.

Cowards stand in the shadows second guessing. On the other hand, committed leaders say, “Here’s where we are, how can we improve?”

There are many solutions to complex problems.

Have you seen leaders who made decisions as if they were moral choices? What happens?

How are options best explored?

10 Essentials for Dynamic Candor

Inept leaders block uncomfortable topics from the discussion. It’s pathetic. Weak, fearful leaders need agreement to confirmation their leadership.

On the other hand, I recently spent time with five members of an executive team who displayed the power of candor. They brought themselves and their perspective to the discussion. In some organizations it would have been dangerous. I found it invigorating.

Weak executives say what their CEO expects them to say.

Power:

Candor used well ignites useful stress and productive conflict.

Candor enables excellence by propelling tough issues into leadership conversations. Apart from candor, organizations enjoy imagined unity based on conspiracies of silence. “I won’t tell if you won’t.”

Lack of candor is the path to mediocrity and eventual crisis.

Candor, however, isn’t an answer on its own.

Danger:

The context of candor is tough issues, short-comings, failures, and the pursuit of excellence. Candor on its own creates negative, oppressive, dark environments.

10 Behaviors effective candor requires:

1. Willingness to adapt or change. If you can’t say, “I was wrong,” candor becomes adversity.
2. Gossip free secrecy. Candor ends when you publicly share private disagreements.
3. Respect. Withholding candor is manipulative disrespect. It suggests that others believe you can’t handle or don’t want the truth.
4. Courtesy. If anger fuels your candor, keep quiet until anger abates.
5. Passion with emotional steadiness.
6. Trust that others won’t use your words against you. Lack of candor expresses lack of trust. Candor creates vulnerability. Candor says, “I trust you enough to speak the hard truth.”
7. Apologies.
8. Taking responsibility.
9. Staying focused on issues, outcomes, processes, and procedures.
10. Affirmation.

Candor apart from affirmation builds negative relationships.

Bonus: Everyone rows together once decisions are made.

How have you seen candor go wrong?

What makes candor work?

Handling Co-Worker Complaints and Backstabbing

Here’s a question from a recent workshop participant. “How do you handle someone complaining about a co-worker?”

First, you want people to come to you. Some managers want challenges, problems, and people to go away. They hide in their offices, sneak to the elevator, or duck into the restroom to avoid facing tough conversations.

Suggestions for dealing with co-worker complaints:

1. Ask the complainer, “What can you do to solve this?” Some complainers want you to solve their problem. That’s a last resort. Savior-managers create irresponsible employees.
2. The complainer may say, “I don’t know what I can do.” Say, “Why don’t you come back this afternoon with some ideas?”
3. Develop a strategy to deal with the issue. If you can’t, try number four.
4. Invite the person being complained about to a meeting to discuss the issue. You’ll be surprised that issues have several sides.
5. Focus on issues and performance rather than personalities, unless personality is the problem.
6. Take small steps in positive directions, don’t expect giant leaps. Identify observable behaviors. If you can’t see it, you can’t measure it.
7. Follow up. “Let’s get together in two weeks to follow up.”

More suggestions:

1. Withhold judgment.
2. Never take sides.
3. Clarify, is it personal or performance. It’s often personal.
4. Warning, backstabbers are masters at seeming helpful while being destructive.

Bonus tip: When you bring the two parties together and one of them had no idea there was a problem, you’re dealing with a backstabber. Excuse the one who’s in the dark and deal with the real issue.

Most importantly:

Deal with interpersonal tensions
because relationships are worth it.

Read what Facebook contributors added: Leadership Freak Coffee Shop

Note: I’m out of town and can’t check references. I have a feeling I’ve read the first three suggestions but can’t recall the author.

How do you handle complaints about co-workers?

Overcome the Dangers of Office Politics

Unethical office politicians create perceived threats. They’ll suggest someone is out to get you. “Watch out for Joe!”

Vulnerability to unethical office politicians occurs when you wrongly believe they’re acting in your best interest. In reality, they’re working for themselves.

I’ll never forget a colleague saying how sorry they felt for our boss. “She thinks I’m her friend.” they said. In reality they were manipulating rather than supporting the boss. On another occasion, they said, “I can cut someone and they’ll bleed to death before they realize what happened.”

The genius of unethical office politicians is their ability to
make you think you’re acting for your benefit when you’re acting for theirs.

Defensiveness:

The goal of unethical office politicians is defensiveness on your part. Playing defense distracts from good offense. Rather than working to create new success, defensiveness causes you to protect current positions and past achievements.

It’s hard to move in positive directions when you’re in CYA (Cover Your Ass) mode. You spin your wheels while they get ahead.

Defensive postures:

1. Drain creativity.
2. Focus on threats.
3. Include self-justifying language.
4. Undermine others.

Ethical office politics:

Office politics is real; understanding and playing office politics ethically advances careers.

1. Align with real power structures; influence influencers. People with power may not have official authorization. Decision-making seldom follows organizational charts.
2. Avoid offending unofficial leaders.
3. Never violate a confidence.
4. Learn personal agendas.
5. Respect what colleague’s value.
6. Deliver the goods, most importantly. There’s no substitute for performance.
7. Always act with the best interest of the organization in mind.
8. Avoid unnecessary gamesmanship.

Bonus:

Highly political environments – cronyism, favoritism, manipulation – are never cured from the bottom up.

How can leaders navigate office politics?

What strategies have you seen office politicians use?

Can Complainers Become Leaders

Are complainers potential leaders? Listen closely to their complaints; learn from their techniques. Seeing problems is the beginning of leadership; circling problems ends leadership.

Some see problems and complain;
leaders see problems and seek solutions.

Political Complainers:

The first time I met a political complainer I was twenty-five and leading a growing nonprofit.

She came representing the complaints of others.

In reality she wanted her own way. She overstated problems and ignored success. It didn’t matter that a dying organization had found new life.

Every organizational growth cycle produces political complainers who come representing others. Their power to gather followers is in compassion, real or fake.

Their power of influence is making
people feel they care and suggesting you don’t.

My experience indicates political complainers can devastate organizations. They pursue restoration of the past in the false hope that going back solves growth pains.

Growth causes pain. Compassionate people complain about change because change hurts.

Leadership ends when preventing discomfort becomes the ultimate goal.

Never let those who don’t like
what’s working change it.

Pit bull Complainers:

Unlike political complainers who represent others, pit bull complainers never let it go. Round and round you’ll go discussing the same issues over and over. Tenacity is their gift.

Questions to ask about complainers:

1. Can they go beyond pointing out problems?
2. Can compassion and tenacity be refocused?
3. Are they willing to create and execute solutions to the problems they see?
4. Are they willing to do what’s best for the organization?
5. Do they align with organizational values?
6. Is forward-facing possible?
7. Can they become loyal?
8. Can they find ways to talk about the future without complaining about the past?
9. Can they transition from pressuring you to achieving on their own?

Forward-facing solutions create momentum. Backward-facing complaints de-motivate.

Have you seen complainers become leaders?

How can complainers become leaders?

Tackling Armchair Quarterbacks

Receiving criticism indicates you’re doing something. Get used to it.

Armchair quarterbacks carry the burden of knowing what should have been done.

Armchair quarterbacks know what you should have done and how you should have done  it. Furthermore, they are glad to share their wisdom and insights with sympathetic listeners but they won’t share the burden of actually throwing the ball. They strut and posture from the side-lines.

In some cases, you invited their criticism by excluding them. You didn’t invite their input or participation. Worse yet, they felt ignored when they spoke.

The only power disenfranchised
people own is disruption.

In other cases, you invited their input but they rejected the direction you’re leading.

In all cases, armchair quarterbacks wrongly believe they have deep insights. They:

1. Know more about you than you.
2. Understand you better than you understand yourself.
3. Know why you are doing what you are doing. They suggest you are wrong, stupid, weak, evil, selfish, or all five.
4. Know what you should do.
5. Know how you should do it.

What to do:

1. Stop believing you always know what’s best. If you’re the smartest person in your organization, your organization is in peril.
2. Realize all collisions are rooted in conflicting values. Find alignment where possible.
3. Make tough choices kindly.
4. Fully and unselfishly align yourself with what’s best for the organization, without reserve or hesitation.
5. Maintain optimism. It beats the alternative.
6. Never lie, lash out, envy, slander, or put on a façade, ever. Move on.
7. Humbly submit to noble values. Arrogance offends.
8. Clarify vision.
9. Serve. Belligerence and dominance always offend.
10. Build strong alliances.
11. Maintain openness regarding methods. It doesn’t have to be your way or the highway.
12. Never blame. Blame is the temptation of cowards.

What do you do when you feel criticized, judged, or misunderstood?