How to be a SAGE without being a Snob

Leave a comment on today’s post and become eligible for one of twenty-five complimentary copies of, “Managers as Mentors,” by Chip Bell and Marshall Goldsmith.

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You can’t be great if you don’t grow.
Growth requires learning.
We learn and grow in relationship.
Helping others learn moves them toward their greatness.

Learning is pivotal to greatness.

“Mentoring is the act of, ‘Helping others learn.’” Chip Bell and Marshall Goldsmith in, Managers as Mentors.

Danger zone:

Chip and Marshall explain pitfalls for mentors:

1. “I can help.” Eager mentors are interventionists. But growth is a function of struggle. “Here’s a test; if you ask the protégé, ‘May I help?’ and she says no, how do you feel?”
2. “I know best.” Proud mentors use protégés to feed their egos. “If your protégé comes to you and says that he found someone else who might be more helpful as a mentor, how do you feel?” (Mild and momentary disappointment is normal.)
3. “You need me.” All mentor-protégé relationships begin with need. Growth is moving through need to strength.

Mentoring partnerships focus on, “learner discovery and independence, in a climate that reduces boundaries and encourages risk.”

Becoming a “S.A.G.E.” mentor (from Managers as Mentors):

1. “Surrendering – leveling the learning field.” Power over creates anxiety in. Growth requires freedom and courage. Successful mentors, “Pull power and authority out of the relationship.”
2. “Accepting – creating a safe haven for risk taking.” Mentors bring in. “Accepting is the act of inclusion.”
3. “Gifting – the core contribution of the mentor…” Mentoring is a no strings relationship, freely pouring from one cup to another. Generosity is too weak a word for mentors, they gift.
4. “Extending – nurturing protégé independence.” Successful mentors push relationships beyond expected boundaries with the goal of creating an independent self-directed learner.

“Mentoring is an honor. Except for love, there is no greater gift one can give another than the gift of growth,” Chip Bell and Marshall Goldsmith in Managers as Mentors.

What makes mentor-protégé relationships go bad?

What behaviors do successful mentors exhibit?

Fuel for the Journey

Leading drains.

Obligations weigh down. Expectations from others deplete. Dissatisfaction with yourself – the worst downer of all – saps energy. Add the problem of critics with personal agendas and you have a vigor-draining vortex.

Neglected obligation:

Your vitality is your responsibility.

1. Think of leading as serving. Serving – being useful to others – energizes. Who doesn’t feel great after being helpful? Tip: Focus energy on people who welcome and respect service.
2. Let, even invite, others to help you. Lone-ranger-leaders die broken and alone. Tip: The need to appear like you have it all together is one reason you’re falling apart.
3. Listen to your energy gauge. Do more things that enhance vitality and fewer that drain.
4. Fuel others by understanding what fills their tank. Successful leaders monitor the energy levels of others. Watch their eyes light up and ask, “What generated so much enthusiasm?” Tip: Feeling understood increases vitality.
5. Be still. Vitality finds you when you’re quiet.

Bonus: Accept people for who they are not who you wish they were.

Personally:

I’m often asked, “How do you write every day? Where do the ideas come from?”

I usually respond,

“I put more in my cup than I pour out.”

I read and discuss leadership every day. Useful leadership books, not only inform, they help me think my own thoughts. All great books help us think our own thoughts. Most of my books have my scribbled notes all through though them.

Every week I have conversations with the world’s leadership experts, scholars, teachers, and authors. A few are selfish self-promoters. The vast majority, however, are generous servants who want to matter by making a difference. They fill my cup.

Related:

“Finding Vitality” – From a conversation with Francis Hesselbein

“Vitality: Collisions between Stability and Instability” – A look at vitality from an organizational point of view

What fuels your vitality?

How do you find vitality when it’s lost?

Fuel your journey by listening to the journey of Stephen M.R. Covey:

12 Ways to Find Your Confidence

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Lack of confidence is the dirty secret in top leaders. Insecure leaders often cover insecurities with strutting. Cocky is compensation for lack of confidence.

Cocky is phony confidence.

Puffing up, putting down, posturing, excuse making, and negative comparisons express – lack of confidence – cockiness.

The need to feel superior means you aren’t.

Confidence vs. Cocky

1. Invites in – Pushes away.
2. Inspires – Insults.
3. Relaxed – Stressed.
4. One of – One above.
5. Lifts up – Pushes down.
6. Accepts – Rejects.
7. Releases – Controls.
8. Belonging – Alone.
9. Joy – Fear.
10. Transparent – Phony.

See: The difference between arrogance and confidence is _______, on Facebook. (Great insights from readers)

Reason:

Relational impact is the reason you care about cockiness.

Effective leaders connect. Cocky leaders disconnect, close doors, and shut out.

Confident leaders explore, learn, develop,
and grow in the context of community.

Finding confidence:

1. Reflect on and embrace your beliefs.
2. Reject cocky behaviors. When you feel like pushing others away, pull in, for example.
3. Focus on giving more than getting.
4. Accept your strengths and weaknesses.
5. Develop experience.
6. Adopt a learners attitude.
7. Admit mistakes without excuse and commit to improve.
8. Hold your ground, kindly.
9. Separate performance from intrinsic value.
10. Smile.
11. Plan. Develop first responses to unanticipated questions. Say, “I’m not sure of the answer, let me get back to you,” for example.
12. Share insecurities with friends. Bringing insecurities into the light often weakens them.

Bonus article: “10 Powerful Strategies to Build Your Confidence“

How can leaders find confidence?

Top Five Qualities of an Asshole

“We have a no asshole policy at Baird.” (Beth Kavelaris, Director of Culture & Integration, Robert W. Baird & Co. at the Great Place to Work Annual Conference 2013)

I was impressed with Beth’s candor. Baird manages nearly $97 billion in client assets at more than 100 locations scattered around the globe.

Definition:

“How do you define asshole?” a participant at the conference asked. Beth said, “Everyone knows what an asshole is.”

I thought I’d check her theory by offering my list of asshole traits.

Assholes:

1. Don’t know or don’t care that they’re assholes.
2. Trample on feelings.
3. Maintain rigid inflexibility.
4. Smile to your face and stab you in the back.
5. Live in self-centered worlds.

Tolerating assholes:

Bosses who tolerate assholes are bossholes.

Don’t be fooled by bossholes who smile and apologize for jerk-employees. I’ve known some very nice bossholes who allow others to feel the pain of working with assholes.

Bossholes care about the numbers
and neglect organizational culture.

Too nice:

Beth said our family culture at Baird makes us tolerate assholes too long.

It’s hard for nice people to confront “not so nice” people. Taken to an extreme, it’s dysfunctional. Families who tolerate and compensate for irresponsible behaviors are dysfunctional.

Too nice isn’t nice.

Rehabilitation:

Another participant asked if assholes can be rehabilitated. Beth said we’ve learned that you can’t rehabilitate an asshole who won’t admit they are an asshole.

How do you define an asshole?

What suggestions can you offer for dealing with assholes?

The Most Dangerous Leadership Weakness

Dangerous leadership weaknesses include:

1. Lack of self-awareness.
2. Listening to brown nosers.
3. Pointing out problems without celebrating progress.
4. Closed ears and opened mouths.
5. People pleasing.

More on Facebook (4/8/13).

All:

All strengths have corresponding weaknesses. Good with people often means bad organizational skills, for example.

The law of equilibrium:
Extraordinary always includes extra-lousy.

You suck. The better you are the more you suck. Put another way, people with average talent have average weaknesses; extraordinary talent has extraordinary weakness.

The more able in one area – the more unable in another.

Embrace weakness like you exalt strengths. Until you do, you’re dangerous.

Most dangerous:

The most dangerous leaders believe they can when they can’t. Put gently, its ego; bluntly, its arrogance. Additionally, egotistical leaders justify weaknesses with strengths. “I’m getting results so chill out,” they say.

Getting through:

People who think they can, when they can’t, don’t listen. You can’t teach someone who already knows. Leaders who justify weaknesses, don’t care about their weaknesses.

Nothing short of a butt kicking gets through. But, kick an arrogant person and they kick back. When they have power, it’s dangerous.

Real issue:

There’s no hope until the door to frailty, weakness, and inability swings open. Only you can open that door.

You can’t move forward until you know you fall short.

The real issue is you aren’t wrong and can’t be weak, at least that’s what you think.

Solutions:

Solutions begin with you.

In your head start saying, “I could be wrong.” If you prefer, ask, “What if I’m wrong?” Keep moving forward but include self-questioning on the way.

After you get comfortable with saying, “I could be wrong,” start saying, “They could be right.” Or, ask yourself, “What if they are right?”

Leaders and organizations grow stronger when they acknowledge and deal with weaknesses.

More practical suggestions: “Believing You Can When You Can’t“

How can leaders become better at knowing their weaknesses?

What advantages come to leaders who embrace their weaknesses?

Toxic by Accident

Image source by George Hodan

My children used to say, “Stop yelling dad.” I’d say, “I’m not yelling.” My voice sounded calm to me.

Authority and power amplify actions and words.

Every behavior of respected leaders is magnified. Tell a team member, for example, “Your report is late.” They hear, “I’m getting fired.” Or, you ask, “What happened?” They feel picked on.

You think , “no big deal.” They think, “Big deal.” That’s what respect does.

Toxic:

Toxic environments develop when leaders don’t realize their power. Quiet is loud when you’re respected, powerful, and authoritative.

Yell the good. Whisper the bad.

Important:

Don’t forget you matter.

We have bigger bodies and different clothes but we’re thirteen on the inside. You look on the inside and see a kid; they look on the outside and see a leader.

You matter in wrong ways when you forget you matter.

Embrace your importance but reject self-importance.

Humility:

I’m not inflating your ego. Chances are you have plenty. I’m writing this to clarify the impact of your words and behaviors.

Arrogant leaders, who fear they don’t matter, throw their weight around like bullies. Humble leaders believe they matter. Additionally, they know they matter most when they make others matter.

C.S. Lewis said, “True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”

Focus on others. You have power to make others powerful.

Amplify:

Imagine everything you do has more impact than you believe. You think your volume is a three. Their respect for you amplifies your three to an eight.

William James said, “Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.”

Leaders who don’t realize their own power accidentally damage people and create toxic environments.

How does believing you matter impact the way you think about leadership?

The Problem of Power

Image of one of our grandsons.

The more powerful you are the more serious your expression. I call it the Rule of the Serious Face.

Powerful people don’t smile.

Some organizations coach top leaders not to smile. It’s true!

The “un” of powerful leaders:

1. Unconnected.
2. Unavailable.
3. Unhelpful.
4. Unfeeling.
5. Unhappy. (Or at least, unsmiling.)

The higher you go in some organizations
the more “Un” you become.

Worst “Un”:

“Un” leaders, sadly, are unaligned with behaviors expected of others.

When mid-level and front-line employees behave like top brass, everyone wonders what’s bothering them. “What’s wrong with Bob, he hasn’t smiled all day?” “What’s bothering Brenda, she seems so guarded?”

Curing “un” leadership:

Behave like you expect others to behave. How simple is that?

This isn’t the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you. This is the “I’m no better than you” Rule:

Do as you expect others to do.

If you expect others to smile, smile. How hard is that?

Stop telling; start modeling. Stop granting yourself exemptions.

Put your feet on the ground;
pull your nose out of the air.

OK, leadership is serious. Unguarded words, for example, may cause turmoil and tension. Serious expressions reflect position and power. You’re important. I get it.

Questions:

Could you:

1. Amp up pleasantness and remain connected with problems?
2. Move toward others rather than away?
3. Express emotion without becoming emotional?

Try:

1. Patting someone on the shoulder and smiling?
2. Bringing snacks to the department on the first floor?
3. Writing a thank you note?
4. Having just a little fun?

Leaders who are full of themselves
don’t have room for others.

Organizations reflect their leaders. Unhappy leaders build unhappy organization.

Bonus material: “7 Powerful Ways to Enhance Your Power“

What “Un” could be added to the “Un” of top leaders?

How can leaders remain human?

Join me on March 27 for a conversation with a leader who retained his humanity even as he rose to the top of Campbell Soup Co.

Great Leaders are Great Because They …

Great leadership is more about others and less about you. Stop focusing on yourself.

Great leaders are great because they:

1. Have emotional intelligence.
2. Reveal greatness in others.
3. Know where they’re going and why.
4. Engage.
5. Don’t really think they are great.

Read the whole “great leaders” list on Facebook.

Two great leaders:

Warren Buffet (4^th richest person in the world) and Tony Hsieh (CEO of Zappos) are great leaders because they hire great people and get out of the way.

Buffet said:

1. Hire people and don’t tell them what to do.
2. Let good people set their own standards and direction.
3. Delegate almost to the point of abdication.

Dr. David Vik (Doc) invested early in Zappos and worked there for five years. I asked Doc what made Tony Hsieh a great leader. “Zappos’ vision to Deliver Happiness is so clear and powerful that management doesn’t have to tell employees what to do.”

Enable people to act without you
by establishing shared vision.

Stop telling good people what to do.

Two factors of great leadership:

Great leadership isn’t about you. It’s about the people around you. “Get the right people on the bus.” Jim Collins.

Surround yourself with the most talented, passionate people available. Jack Welch said, “The team with the best players wins.”

Second, great leaders become less central, not more. Work yourself out-of, not into jobs.

If you are essential you are the bottleneck.

Third essential ingredient:

Doc believes organizational culture creates environments that empower people to function at their best. In other words, you can’t simply hire people and leave them alone. Success requires high performance cultures.

Great leaders build empowering organizational culture.

Doc explains the five factors essential to culture building in his book, “The Culture Secret.”

1. Vision.
2. Purpose.
3. Business Model.
4. Unique/Wow factors.
5. Values.

Doc, in his own words on what makes Tony Hsieh a great leader:

Connect with Doc on Linkedin.

What factors make leaders great?

Exposing god-like Advisers

There’s a long line of individuals who tell you how to lead. Nearly all do the same thing. They tell you how they would do it. But, they aren’t you.

Arrogant advisers believe they are gods molding people into their image, whether they admit it or not.

Many have given me advice, over the years. Nearly all told me how to improve by becoming more like them; its arrogance, perhaps unintentional, but arrogance none the less.

Additionally, I’ve watched older leaders advising young leaders. I’ve seen them puff up because advice-giving is heady for those molding the world into their image. It affirms their god complex. It’s disgusting.

I can count on one hand the number of humble advisers I’ve been privileged to learn from.

Humble advisers help mold you into your best self, not theirs.

One of my trusted advisers offered me some unrequested feedback yesterday. It was about the use of video in a presentation. I’d changed a technique and he noticed it right away. It was useful, not because he wants me to be like him, but because he knows and accepts who I want to be.

6 components of humble advice:

1. Explore your advisee’s person, intentions and goals. Arrogant advisers believe they know when they don’t.
2. Uncover gaps between intention and behavior. Powerful feedback begins with, “It looks like you’re trying to accomplish (insert goal) when you (insert behavior).”
3. Dig into attitudes and behaviors that hinder progress. “What isn’t working?”
4. Ask, “What would your best self, do?”
5. Apply strengths. “How can your strengths, passions, and skills more fully align with your intentions?”
6. Throw yourself into the mix. “Have you thought about (insert behavior)?”

What type of adviser best helps you?

What type of adviser do you want to be?

Breathing Life into the Walking Dead

Image source by David Wagner

Leaders with nowhere to grow are blind, self-indulgent fools. They’re the walking dead.

Every time you know more than those around you, growth stops – death begins.

I spent most of my early leadership years believing I was someone I wasn’t. I felt smarter and more skilled than I actually was. Others were the problem, not me. I repeated ineffective behaviors because I was “right.”

Those who focus on changing others while neglecting their own growth, become the walking dead.

Leaders who aren’t developing leadership skills believe they’ve arrived. Sound dangerous?  It’s worse than dangerous; it’s zombie land. Unleash growth by feeling dissatisfaction with your current leadership skills.

Dissatisfaction with others is easy.
Dissatisfaction with self, stings.

Forget balance, it’s for weaklings and milquetoasts. Jump overboard when it comes to growing your leadership skills.

1. Observe yourself. Imagine you’re floating in the corner of your office invisibly watching. Monitor interactions. Observe responses from others. Are you inspiring?
2. Serve others so others can serve others. Growth happens when you help others grow. Enabling “others to serve others” requires humility. Share your skills. Provide opportunities for others, don’t take them for yourself. “Serving others so they can serve others” means helping them do things you easily do.
3. Take personal assessments. My leadership coach, Bob Hancox, recently gave me the ProD Leadership assessment. I recommend it.
4. Grow content with discontent. Growth is on the other side of average. Mediocre leaders fear letting go of average.
5. Personally own your aspirations for exponential impact. Just say it! Don’t hang your head in false humility. Tell someone you want to matter. Embrace your ache for meaning, don’t snuff it out.

Life always means growth. What isn’t growing is dead.

What prevents leaders from growing?

How can leaders grow their own leadership skills and potential?