15 Ways to Make Your Voice Matter

Pathetic talkers – talk after listeners check out. Blabbing leaders have something to say and it doesn’t matter that people in the room have turned to bored, lifeless manikins. They keep blabbing.

Talkative leaders talk long past
listener’s capacity.

Distracting talkers – tweak, guide, correct, add, and adjust ad infinitum ad nauseum. They unnecessarily prolong meetings with irritating jabber concerning insignificant issues, for example. Their drivel often begins with, “And don’t forget… or one more thing.” Gag me with a spoon.

The need to matter makes leaders talk more but matter less.

Please hit mute. (All exhausted followers are cheering right now!) When was the last time someone said, “Please talk at me more?”

But there’s more:

Your voice has power for evil or good.

Make your voice matter by talking about
what matters, when it matters.

Talk more when:

1. Listening occurred first. Listen with your ears and your heart. The more you need to say, the more you need to listen.
2. People need affirmation. You matter most when speaking to hearts not heads.
3. Talking connects you with others. Sharing your heart connects you.
4. Issues are dodged. Call out elephants. Say the tough stuff.
5. The top stifles the bottom. Confront authoritarianism. Free people.
6. “What” not “how” is on the table. Leaders who explain “how” are in the way.
7. You see the big picture and others don’t. (Inspired by a recent conversation with Peter Block.)
8. Blabbers keep blabbing. Interrupt! Please!
9. Urgency overshadows priority.
10. Direction wanders.
11. Values are violated.
12. Information is needed and you’re the one who has it.
13. Curiosity bubbles up. Talk to explore.
14. Confusion reigns. Beware; more talking usually creates more confusion.
15. You’re an introvert. The silence of introverts makes extroverts uneasy.

Bonus: Talk about others more than yourself.

From the other side: 10 Power Tips for Leaders who Talk TOO Much.

How can leaders make their voice matter?

The Power of Second Questions

“Most people never listen.” Hemingway

Questions are gifts. Asking, followed by listening, says others matter; telling says you matter.

Eager to talk is reluctant to ask.

Enemies of curiosity:

1. Disinterest. You really don’t care.
2. Need to appear smart.
3. Hurry. The need for speed, at least initially, stifles curiosity.
4. Knowledge. Those who know don’t ask.
5. Answers. Answers end thought.

Pretend you don’t have the answer, you may find another.

Powerful questions:

1. Initiate listening. It’s hard to listen without questions.
2. Call for answers. Questions create curiosity and engage minds.
3. Ignite self-persuasion.
4. Invite connection. Anyone who says they want to connect but never asks questions is confused or deceived about the nature of connecting.
5. Guide conversations. Don’t tell people what to talk about, ask questions.
6. Teach and open minds.
7. Explain priorities. You ask about what matters.

If you want to change results, change questions.

Second questions:

Second questions matter more than first because they explore what matters. First questions address obvious issues. Second questions explore meaning, purpose, method, and/or value.

Exceptional leaders ask second questions.

First question: What’s your mission?
Second question: What makes your mission matter?

First question: Who are your customers?
Second question: What made them become your customers?

First question: What’s frustrating?
Second question: How can you address your frustrations?

Before:

Clarify before answering.

Never simply answer when someone asks, “What’s your story?” Always ask, “What do you want to know?*”

Save time, establish priorities, and narrow focus by inviting questioners to declare themselves.

Answer questions with questions, before giving answers.

Avoid:

Some questions are better than others.

1. What’s wrong with me?
2. What did I do wrong?
3. What went wrong? (KaChing)

A favorite question:

I hear what you don’t want. What do you want?

Added resources:

9 Unexpected Questions that Create Engagement

10 Questions that Give Vitality to Beginnings

15 Questions Guaranteed to Create Clarity

*From: “Power Questions,” by Sobel and Panas

How can leaders learn to ask questions?

What are some useful second questions?

Stop Browbeating – Enhance Capacity

I browbeat people when I “know” the path forward. I tell them what I want, before thinking about what they need to hear.

Additionally, I pressure people when I’ve made up my mind. At least that’s what others tell me.

Honestly, I don’t see Browbeating Dan. I see myself as Pussy Cat Dan.

Burden of knowledge:

The burden of knowing – even if you don’t – is nearly uncontainable. Thinking you “know” is enough to close your ears and open your mouth.

Alternative:

Slow down and say what they need to hear not what you need to say. Help people hear by enhancing capacity.

Give:

1. Hope if you expect boldness.
2. Purpose if you expect endurance.
3. Confidence if you expect change.

Boldness:

You need to say, “Be bold.” They need to have hope. Hope precedes boldness. If they don’t believe projects can be completed on time or goals completed within budget, they won’t act boldly.

Boldness rises when success is likely.

Those with hope believe wins are possible. It’s hopeless if you can’t win. Without hope everyone goes through the motions. But, people with hope move forward.

Hope fuels boldness.

Endurance:

You need to say, “Keep going – endure – don’t quit.” But, they need purpose. They ask, “Why keep going if it doesn’t matter?” “What’s the purpose?”

People endure when goals matter. Stop saying, “Endure.” Start explaining purpose.

Profound purpose fuels endurance.

Change:

You need to say, “Embrace change.” They need confidence they’ll fit in after change.

Freedom to change comes from believing you’ll still fit in.

Rush:

Leaders rush to explain what to do, while neglecting the capacity of listeners. You think, just do what I say! But, telling babies to walk doesn’t enable walking. Leadership by proclamation isn’t leading.

Capacity:

Successful leaders explain challenges and increase capacity.

How do you understand the relationship between capacity and the ability to accept challenges?

How can leaders enhance the capacity of others to rise to challenges?

Imagine how boundaries extend results. This weeks best FREE leadership development opportunity is a LIVE conference call with bestselling author Dr. Henry Cloud. INFO

Why, “Do More with Less,” is Stupid

“Do more with less,” demotivates employees. It’s code for work harder. If they’re already working hard, they think,

“The more I give the more they want. I’m giving less.”

“Do more with less,” disengages and demotivates those giving most.

Those hurt most by, “Do more with less,”
are the ones doing most.

Alternatives to, “Do more with less,” include …

Asking:

1. How does management hinder you? Managers and leaders don’t ask this because they don’t want to know. Perhaps, that’s central to the problem of poor performance?
2. What’s important today? If the answer centers on tasks rather than mission, everyone missed the point. Mission connects people. Tasks isolate; they’re often completed alone.
3. How could you be better equipped to do what’s important?
4. How can we end meaningless activities that steal your time?
5. Who on our team loves doing what you hate?
6. How can we prevent interruptions? Research consistently shows the value of spending blocks of time focused on priority tasks. Multitasking doesn’t work.
7. When someone supports you, what are they doing?

Giving:

1. Attention to suggestions. Say, “Let’s try that,” instead of, “We can’t.” This point follows the seven questions listed above.
2. More clarity on the big picture and less instruction on how to get there.
3. Daily feedback.
4. Praise, honor, and recognition.

Don’t lower standards – raise support.

If you expect more from people, pour more into them.

How can leaders stop hindering performance?

What increases your performance?

This week’s best opportunity for leadership development is the FREE conference call this Wednesday at 1 p.m. EST.

The Secret and Power of Listening

Leaders often rise to leadership because they’re great talkers. Now it’s in the way.

You can’t connect, communicate or influence without listening. Bad bosses talk. Successful leaders listen.

Stop talking about listening.

Ouch:

I still remember the day I asked my wife if I was a good listener.

What’s worse than being told you aren’t good at something you think you’re great at?

When she said I wasn’t a good listener, I felt like talking not listening.

Roadblocks to listening:

1. Disinterest in connecting.
2. Long-talkers and explainers who never get to the point!
3. Knowledge. Talkers know.
4. Distraction by what’s next.
5. Multi-tasking.

See more on Facebook (3/20/13)

Go away if you’re physically present but not paying attention. Stop wasting time and insulting others.

Closed listeners ask:

1. How does this impact me?
2. When have I experienced this?
3. What would I do about this?
4. Where can I take this conversation?
5. What do I need to tell?

Adapted from: Coaching for Engagement.

How to open your ears:

Forget about advanced listening skills. Don’t jump to active, critical, or appreciative listening.

Open your ears by closing your mouth.

Look in their eyes and stop jabbering. Leaders are listeners.

Jumping from poor listening to advanced listening is like using a dragster for driving lessons. You’ll crash and burn. In addition, going from not listening to active listening creates paranoia in those around you. “What’s going on?”

One question:

What do they want me to know, feel, or believe?

Open listening:

Four more questions:

1. How are they measuring success?
2. What beliefs are they expressing?
3. What are they feeling?
4. What strengths, challenges, or opportunities can I affirm?

Adapted from: Coaching for Engagement.

Listening is connection.

Connecting is influencing.

Influencing is leading.

Leaders who don’t listen don’t connect.

What listening roadblocks prevent leaders from connecting?

What listening strategies enable connection?

How to Seize Your Greatest Opportunities

Opportunity is ugly.

Opportunity is a door that feels like a wall, an open window that feels shut, or a ceiling that feels too low.

Mud disguises, pain exposes, and fear illuminates opportunity.

Distinguish your leadership:

Great leaders face great challenges and solve great problems. Clear the mud. Solve the pain. Face the fear. Rise up and address issues others run from.

Leaders without obstacles are ships without wind.

Run toward rather than away. The giant you slay expands your influence.

Frustration is opportunity.

Enhanced influence and profound results wait beyond frustrations, complications, and disappointments.

Struggle:

Struggle transforms. Success, on the other hand, makes you more of who you were.

Power to seize opportunities comes from understanding and addressing your greatest struggle.

Greatest struggle:

The greatest battles lie within. On the other hand, inner struggle is leadership’s most profound opportunity. All leaders struggle with inner questions like:

1. Do I matter?
2. What do I believe?
3. What’s important?
4. What’s my greatest value?
5. How can I connect?
6. Can I do this?
7. What if I fail?

Greatest opportunity:

Your greatest opportunity is building structures that develop and strengthen your inner person.

You’re crushed from without when there’s nothing within.

Inner strength comes from things like:

1. Faith.
2. Quiet solitude.
3. Listening and self-reflection.
4. Deep, honest relationships.
5. Exposing struggle rather than ignoring it.
6. Honest, often painful, feedback.
7. Reading.
8. Prayer.
9. Humility.
10. Mentors. Every person of profound influence stands on the shoulders of others.

Every successful leader eventually understands the battle is within.

Others control you when you don’t.

The issue is you not them.

Changing the world:

Solve great problems by bringing yourself to challenges, obstacles, and frustrations.

Identity determines impact.

Who you are transcends what you do. But, before you bring yourself, you must know and nurture yourself; otherwise you’re an empty cup.

How can leaders strengthen their inner person in ways that enhance leadership?

Join me on March 27 for a free conference call with a leader who helps leaders develop personal leadership models.

Three Qualities Traditional Leaders Reject

Image source by Petr Kratochvil

Regurgitating and recycling what you already know bores others, antiquates leadership, and destroys organizations.

Get out of yourself before you shrivel and die.

Growth, innovation, and future-building centers on what you don’t know and haven’t done.

Three surprising qualities of growing leaders:

#1. Receptivity:

Traditional leaders are unwelcoming. Traditional leaders expect you to receive their ideas; they don’t receive yours. Power, prestige, and position thrive in unreceptive, threatening environments.

Tell-me-more leaders, go further than,
I-already-know leaders.

Stop looking down your nose at outsiders, front line employees, and new hires. Adapt to them; don’t force them to adapt to you.

Growth lies around and outside.

#2. Withholding judgment:

Traditional leaders make judgments; growing leaders withhold judgment.

Judgment crushes baby ideas.

Quick minded decision makers inadvertently destroy growth. Stow what you think you know in the attic. Judgment ends growth and begins stagnation.

Keep in mind, stability requires decision making. Withhold judgment, don’t end it completely.

#3. Curiosity:

Traditional leaders fear looking foolish. They need to know. Curiosity celebrates what isn’t known. Courageously look foolish.

Emptiness is opportunity.

The downside of curiosity:

1. People want to know what you know as well as what you don’t.
2. Questions feel pushy and threatening when filled with expectation.
3. Constant curiosity spirals inward and downward.
4. Creating options causes confusion.

Curiosity is a means not an end. Use curiosity to challenge stagnant ideas and disrupt antiquated systems.

Most importantly, curiosity unearths new goals and next steps. Curiosity builds the future. On the other hand, curiosity without progress is stagnating indulgence.

What traditional leadership qualities stunt growth and innovation?

What leadership qualities inspire growth, innovation, and future-building?

10 Ways to Fail Your Way to Success

I hate failing. Failure feels like wasted life. Yes, I know I’m supposed to embrace failure and learn. But, given the choice, I’d succeed more!

I haven’t failed for lack of good intentions. Frankly, I’m troubled that the path down is faster than the path up.

Fear of failure:

Afraid to fail is afraid to try; afraid to try guarantees failure.

The fear of failure prevents success.

Stunning success stands atop many stunning failures. Edison said, “I’ve failed my way to success.”

10 Ways to Fail Well:

1. Pursue next time more than last time.
2. Reject finger pointing. Blame gets you off the hook but never produces success.
3. Respond with optimism, not anger. Confidence answers anger; inadequacy fuels it.
4. “Forgive and remember,” Bob Sutton in, Good Boss Bad Boss.
5. Share lessons learned from failure. Leadership’s greatest influence occurs through failures. Frailty enhances your influence as long as it’s not an excuse.
6. Seek clarity. Resist urges to close your eyes. Open them instead.
7. Call “failure meetings” and ask, “What isn’t working?” Make talking about failure normal not taboo.
8. Celebrate adaptation, if you can’t celebrate failure directly. “We changed.”
9. Fail small in order to succeed large. Try, test, improve, and move forward. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
10. Dig into ways that failure makes you better. “Failure changes for the better, success for the worse.” Seneca

One cause:

Often I fail because I don’t listen. I know too much. I’ve learned confidence becomes over-confidence when it closes my ears. True confidence listens.

What’s at the root of many of your failures?

How can you or organizations fail well?

5 Ways to Become a Healthy People-Pleaser

Only people-pleasers succeed. The more people you please the more success you enjoy. The list of people who need pleasing includes:

1. Clients.
2. Superiors.
3. Boards.
4. Employees.
5. Colleagues.
6. Vendors.

“Just please yourself,” may be an excuse for lazy, self-indulgence. But, unchecked people-pleasing destroys people.

Five ways to become a healthy people-pleaser:

Please yourself in ways that please others.

I please myself when I write this blog, for example. I write short sentences, paragraphs, and articles. I leave stuff out. Not everyone likes it, but enough do.

Say “no” clearly.

“No” is part of leadership.

1. Listen carefully.
2. Consider prudently.
3. Seek advice.
4. Don’t rush.

But whatever you do, make clear, honest, compassionate decisions. Indecisive leaders, who need to please everyone, end up pleasing no one.

Anticipate information needs.

Eliminate the “wondering factor” with information.

Information pleases; being in the dark frustrates. Understand the information needs of those you serve and exceed them. Knock on their door before they knock on yours.

Wondering if they are wondering stresses you.

Manage expectations.

Pleasing others means meeting or better yet, exceeding expectations. Let them know what to expect. Consider deadlines, for example. Too much need-to-please causes you to accept unrealistic timelines.

Manage expectations before they manage you. Set realistic expectations and exceed them.

Leverage sweet spots.

Align your strength with their need, then trust yourself. Take coaching, for example. Curiosity is my sweet spot. Clients discover insights because I trust my curiosity. Do what you do best, most of the time.

Success is always about pleasing people. Healthy people-pleasers use knowledge of themselves and those they serve to build pleasing relationships and environments.

Still, you can’t please everyone. Don’t try.

How does people pleasing get out of hand?

How can leaders please others in healthy ways?

Assumptions – Asking the Obvious

Testing assumptions makes you look stupid or misinformed.

“You can be perfectly clear and perfectly wrong.”
Karen Martin, “The Outstanding Organization.”

Assumptions are unquestioned “truths.” Everyone knows the answer to the obvious. Why don’t you?

Assumptions create false confidence by preventing obvious questions.

Unquestioned assumptions
ultimately distill into malaise.

Finding clarity is simple. Ask obvious questions that probe assumptions. In other words, ask questions that make you look dumb.

Asking the obvious:

Successful leaders persistently challenge assumptions with simple questions. Four questions enable organizational clarity. Don’t assume the answers are obvious.

1. Who is your external customer?
2. What value do you deliver to that customer?
3. Who, in your company, delivers that value?
4. How do they deliver that value?

Bonus: How do you communicate your value to current customers?

Clarity concerning customers:

Karen suggests asking:

1. Who do you serve?
2. How do they make money?
3. What problem are you solving for them?
4. Why do they choose your company…?
5. How do they use the goods or services you provide?

Clarity concerning value:

“Hallmark may produce greeting cards, but its value lies in helping people communicate a feeling….” Karen Martin.

Conversations that distinguish value from product enlighten organizations to their purpose. Karen says shifting from product to value reflects a shift in perspective.

• Product question: “What do we make?”
• Value question: “What do they get?”

Others explain your value. You can’t.

Clarity through conversation:

Karen suggests conversations produce clarity. When was the last time you sat with a customer to get to know them?

Clarity through failure:

A client of mine lost a client, recently. Rather than writing them off, they met with them to explore what went wrong. The value they didn’t deliver explains the value they must deliver. (Assuming that client is one they want to serve.)

Read chapter one of Karen’s book: “The Outstanding Organization.” Absolutely no obligation or email required.

How have you seen or experienced the danger of assumptions?

How can leaders uncover assumptions and create clarity?