12 Ways to Find Your Confidence

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Lack of confidence is the dirty secret in top leaders. Insecure leaders often cover insecurities with strutting. Cocky is compensation for lack of confidence.

Cocky is phony confidence.

Puffing up, putting down, posturing, excuse making, and negative comparisons express – lack of confidence – cockiness.

The need to feel superior means you aren’t.

Confidence vs. Cocky

1. Invites in – Pushes away.
2. Inspires – Insults.
3. Relaxed – Stressed.
4. One of – One above.
5. Lifts up – Pushes down.
6. Accepts – Rejects.
7. Releases – Controls.
8. Belonging – Alone.
9. Joy – Fear.
10. Transparent – Phony.

See: The difference between arrogance and confidence is _______, on Facebook. (Great insights from readers)

Reason:

Relational impact is the reason you care about cockiness.

Effective leaders connect. Cocky leaders disconnect, close doors, and shut out.

Confident leaders explore, learn, develop,
and grow in the context of community.

Finding confidence:

1. Reflect on and embrace your beliefs.
2. Reject cocky behaviors. When you feel like pushing others away, pull in, for example.
3. Focus on giving more than getting.
4. Accept your strengths and weaknesses.
5. Develop experience.
6. Adopt a learners attitude.
7. Admit mistakes without excuse and commit to improve.
8. Hold your ground, kindly.
9. Separate performance from intrinsic value.
10. Smile.
11. Plan. Develop first responses to unanticipated questions. Say, “I’m not sure of the answer, let me get back to you,” for example.
12. Share insecurities with friends. Bringing insecurities into the light often weakens them.

Bonus article: “10 Powerful Strategies to Build Your Confidence“

How can leaders find confidence?

A To-Don’t NOT a To-Do

Even four year olds know that being helped isn’t always helpful. Over eager parents, who step in to “help,” often hear frustrated children say, “I’ll do it myself!”

Never help those who can help themselves.

You got up this morning thinking about things to-do. But, leaders think about things to-don’t. Helpfulness lifted you to leadership but the need to help hampers once you’re there.

The need to help may reflect an unhealthy need to be helpful.

Leaders who need to help are short-sighted unhelpful hindrances who need to feel important.

Step out; don’t step in.

Helping isn’t helpful when it weakens, creates dependencies, or takes responsibility from others.

Delay helping when:

1. Ownership is high. Stepping in undermines ownership.
2. Teams are motivated.
3. Delay shows respect. “I trust you.”
4. Acceptable progress is being achieved.
5. Long-term benefits outweigh short-term results.
6. You questions methods and processes, not outcomes.
7. Struggle strengthens.
8. Teams trust you. They know you have their best interests in mind.
9. Failure humbles.
10. Defeat creates learning moments.

Bonus: Stop helping if helping didn’t help last time.

The goal of helping is enabling, not more helping.

Real help takes people to places where they don’t need help. Sometimes, not helping is helpful.

Help when:

1. Teams need an extra hand because conditions changed.
2. Relationships break down. Help the process.
3. Confusion persists. The great role of leaders is creating clarity.
4. Help “with” not “for.”
5. Helping develops skills.

Frustration:

Monitor frustrations. Acceptable levels of frustration intensify focus and motivate change. Don’t help.

Too much frustration generates relational conflict and paralyzes progress. Step in.

Tip:

Stay near; don’t isolate. Not helping isn’t an excuse to stay distant.

Back to the four year old. They’ll ask for help after they’ve tried, failed, and become frustrated. They respect you when you help after they’ve struggled. But, help before they struggle and they despise and reject you.

When is help, unhelpful?

How do you determine when to step in?

How to Get Where You Want to Grow

Growth is a function of engaging in new activities. “New” is the difficult thing. Everyone wants to grow but not everyone wants to step from the known into the unknown.

The edge and beyond:

Growth happens on the fringes of leadership where comfort and discomfort meet.

You can’t grow if you can’t be uncomfortable.

Growth moments occur with one foot on solid ground and one foot firmly in midair. Growth happens “where the sidewalk ends.” (Where the Sidewalk Ends, is a children’s book by Shel Silversein)

If you want to grow:

1. Hang with people out of your league.
2. Say yes and I’ll try.
3. Trust.
4. Evaluate after, not during, stretch experiences.

Today’s growth moment:

I’m learning how to deliver content on camera. I’ll be surrounded by people who know things I don’t know, asking me to try things I haven’t tried. My producer, for example, has a graduate degree from Harvard in Educational Technology.

I plan to trust their expertise, try what they suggest, and basically keep my mouth shut. We’ll evaluate later.

Concept or reality:

The concept of growth is easier than the reality. Be willing to:

1. Be incompetent.
2. Make mistakes.
3. Look foolish.

We never grow until we do something
we haven’t done before.

Bonus:

Growth happens in community not isolation. Books and thinking help, but people are always central to your growth.

What are you doing for your growth?

How can leaders help others grow?

From Tantrums to Leadership

Image source by by Piotr Siedlecki

Weak, fearful leaders are like unrully two year olds. They create messes and throw tantrums. Undeveloped, incompetent leaders are “takers” who believe followers exist to serve them

Weak leaders take:

1. Control. All micro-managers are fearful.
2. Power. Weak leaders fill their need for power by dis-empowering others.
3. Energy. Immature leaders suck energy rather than give it.

Danger:

Six foot, two hundred pound, two year olds are dangerous, destructive, and deadly. Imagine a full grown adult kicking and screaming like an angry toddler. Scary!

Your inner two year old:

When you’re stressed, insecure or exhausted, you’re inner two year old screams to get out. He cries, “Pay attention to me.” Wise leaders listen to their needy, selfish, inner two year old.

Never ignore a screaming two year old.

Screaming two year olds have unmet needs. It’s not pretty but scream gets the job done.

Feeding:

Unfed two year olds get grumpy. Nurture the “little person” inside before the little brat destroys you and others. Never ignore an agitated inner two year old. 

Ignored needs grow.

Constant giving creates empty cups. Take care of you so you can take care of others.

Rockabye baby:

1. Turn off electronic devices.
2. Let go of something.
3. Share inner secrets with someone you trust.
4. Walk with a friend.
5. Hold hands. Better yet, hug.
6. Read a book for pleasure.
7. Do what you want to do.
8. Say, “No.”
9. Write an “I’m thankful for _____.” list.
10. Take a nap.
11. Pray.
12. Complete several small tasks.

Exhausted leaders are fearful leaders. Vince Lombardi said, “Fatigue makes cowards of us all.” Re-energize you in order to energize them.

Recharge before you become totally dischared.

You aren’t the energizer bunny.

When do you know it’s time to re-charge?

How do you re-charge your batteries?

 

Connect or Die

No wonder your office feels like a morgue. You connect with vendors and clients but not with your receptionist, employees, or colleagues. It’s all business with coworkers but you send notes, make calls, and take clients to lunch.

Bosses who mouth the words, “We’re family here,”
but stand aloof are hypocrites.

Leaders nod with knowing smiles when you say leading is about relationships.  But, faces go blank and heads stop nodding when you ask, “What are you doing to connect with people inside your organization?” It gets worse when you ask, “What are you doing to help people connect with each other?”

Connections create vibrancy; disconnections death.

I’ll never forget the one word of advice I got from Henry Mintzberg, “Connect.”

Disconnected leaders:

1. Rush. “Important” people don’t have time to connect.
2. Interrupt.
3. Close doors.
4. Talk first.
5. Gossip.

Connecting within your organization:

1. Invest in employees as if they were clients. Take them to lunch, for example.
2. Small talk is big. Invite people to share personal information. Ask about the kids.
3. Walk into their office as if it was a client’s office. Look for personal items and use them for connecting points.
4. Dedicate time to connecting by asking people to share something from their lives at the beginning of meetings. It might feel weird at first but in time they’ll look forward to it.
5. Practice personal openness. Share your story.
6. Brag about them in front of them.
7. Acknowledge emotional states. “You seem excited today. Did something good happen?”

Put your money where your mouth is. Focus your “connecting skills” toward insiders.

You can’t fake this one. Connect intentionally and authentically.

How can leaders connect with people inside their organizations? 

How can leaders help people connect with each other?

The Proven Path to Leadership

Image source

Don’t push people into leading. Desire to lead is leadership’s first requirement. If they don’t desire leadership, step away. Reluctant leaders are burdens to colleagues, followers, and organizations.

If they desire leadership but feel anxiety, don’t worry! Desire includes anxiety. But, you should worry if they don’t.

Follow the desire to lead;
face anxiety as you go.

I remember an emerging leader who said he wanted to lead but didn’t want people to expect anything from him. He didn’t realize how ridiculous he sounded. Thankfully, he matured through his apprehensions.

Growth:

Growth always creates anxiety. New challenges bring feelings of inadequacy. Press through inadequacies with preparation, relationships, and courage.

Press through anxiety or
the current world becomes permanent.

The path:

Address apprehensions with a proven path to leadership.

“There is no magic formula that says if you do this you’ll lead effectively. But there is a magic formula to get there and it is very, very dependable.” Dr. Henry Cloud

The big four:

Dr. Cloud explains four necessary building blocks to become a leader:

1. Relationships: We develop in the context of relationships. Find mentors, coaches, advisors, and guides.
2. Information: Learn everything you can about leading. “Do your homework.” Attend conferences and read books.
3. Experience: Learn to lead by leading. Seize opportunities like volunteering, for example.
4. Structure: Schedule leadership development activities. Development is an intention not an accident. Take yourself to lunch once a month, for example.

Listen to Dr. Cloud explain in his own words (3:53):  

What are key ingredients to developing leadership?

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Development resources:

• One hour conversation with Dr. Henry Cloud on Boundaries for Leaders.
• Boundaries for Leaders Simulcast on April 17, 2013.

The Worst Leadership Tragedy

The worst leadership tragedy is *pissing away your potential.

Stop insulting your Maker, degrading yourself, and disrespecting the people around you by wasting inborn aptitudes and abilities.

Neglect and negativity never achieve results.

If I traveled back in time and met the young Leadership Freak, I’d say, “Danny, your first responsibility is developing your leadership. You matter more than you think. But, you won’t matter much if you’re careless about developing your leadership.”

You won’t change the world if you neglect your development.

Fools and losers believe races are won apart from rigorous preparation. Development propels your leadership through barriers into greater effectiveness and impact.

The leader’s first responsibility is
developing their ability to serve.

Life and leadership radically changed when I got serious about developing my leadership. Here’s a suggestion for you…

Lunch:

Take yourself and a notebook to lunch once a month and ask yourself probing questions.

1. What is the message of repetitive frustrations? Frustrations are gifts that reveal development opportunities.
2. What new connection should I develop? Dr. Henry Cloud, author of, “Boundaries for Leaders,” said, “We develop in the context of relationship.”
3. Is life’s trajectory upward or downward?
4. What anxiety-points am I facing? Growth includes pushing through anxiety.
5. How am I different since “our” last lunch? (“Better,” is not an answer. Get specific.)
6. How would I like to be different next month?
7. What steps behaviors produce my preferred future?

Bonus question: What would I say to me, if I was sitting across the table from myself?

Schedule a series of lunches with yourself and don’t break those appointments.

*Any word in the King James Bible is acceptable for print. 1Samuel 25:22

What questions would you ask yourself at your leadership lunch?

How to Break Destructive Patterns

Those who can’t or won’t see patterns are doomed to repeat the past. Ignore patterns and yesterday’s decisions become tomorrow’s destiny.

“Patterns, not problems, will ruin your business.”
Dr. Henry Cloud

Pattern recognition may be the least discussed and most neglected leadership skill. Yet, pattern recognition informs plans, enables innovation, and empowers decision making.

Everyone has experience, wise leaders learn from it.
Learning from experience is the ability
to see and acknowledge patterns.

Constant frustration means you’re in patterns you can’t or won’t see. Blindness to patterns happens when you:

1. Define yourself by results. When I defined myself by results, I ignored the reason for disappointing results and tried faster and harder. Frustration!
2. Need another’s approval to bolster your worth. Think of those who remain in abusive relationships.
3. Misapply experiences from the past. Success in one context doesn’t guarantee success in another. Problems at JC Penny may illustrate this dangerous pattern.

The real problem is the pattern:

In, “Boundaries for Leaders,” Dr. Henry Cloud explains how successful leaders see repeated problems as the problem. “Problems aren’t the issue. Problems are the work.” The problem is repeated problems – patterns.

Breaking patterns:

In yesterday’s conference call, Dr. Cloud explained that breaking patterns often involves creating structure. The board may meet with you every month rather than quarterly, for example.

Secondly, pattern busting often requires bringing in the outside. Hire a coach, find a mentor, visit the competition, or interact with fresh leaders.

Thirdly, instigate vigorous debate. Gather frontline employees and have them explain the reasons your organization is stuck, for example.

“Patterns, when addressed as if they were only a problem to be solved, remain.” Dr. Henry Cloud

Bonus material:

My conversation with Dr. Cloud on the difference between problems and patterns (5:45). 

How can leaders get better at seeing and breaking negative patterns?

The Most Dangerous Leadership Weakness

Dangerous leadership weaknesses include:

1. Lack of self-awareness.
2. Listening to brown nosers.
3. Pointing out problems without celebrating progress.
4. Closed ears and opened mouths.
5. People pleasing.

More on Facebook (4/8/13).

All:

All strengths have corresponding weaknesses. Good with people often means bad organizational skills, for example.

The law of equilibrium:
Extraordinary always includes extra-lousy.

You suck. The better you are the more you suck. Put another way, people with average talent have average weaknesses; extraordinary talent has extraordinary weakness.

The more able in one area – the more unable in another.

Embrace weakness like you exalt strengths. Until you do, you’re dangerous.

Most dangerous:

The most dangerous leaders believe they can when they can’t. Put gently, its ego; bluntly, its arrogance. Additionally, egotistical leaders justify weaknesses with strengths. “I’m getting results so chill out,” they say.

Getting through:

People who think they can, when they can’t, don’t listen. You can’t teach someone who already knows. Leaders who justify weaknesses, don’t care about their weaknesses.

Nothing short of a butt kicking gets through. But, kick an arrogant person and they kick back. When they have power, it’s dangerous.

Real issue:

There’s no hope until the door to frailty, weakness, and inability swings open. Only you can open that door.

You can’t move forward until you know you fall short.

The real issue is you aren’t wrong and can’t be weak, at least that’s what you think.

Solutions:

Solutions begin with you.

In your head start saying, “I could be wrong.” If you prefer, ask, “What if I’m wrong?” Keep moving forward but include self-questioning on the way.

After you get comfortable with saying, “I could be wrong,” start saying, “They could be right.” Or, ask yourself, “What if they are right?”

Leaders and organizations grow stronger when they acknowledge and deal with weaknesses.

More practical suggestions: “Believing You Can When You Can’t“

How can leaders become better at knowing their weaknesses?

What advantages come to leaders who embrace their weaknesses?

The Most Awkward Leadership Topic

You got to the end of your rope because you feel misunderstood and uncared for.

You serve, understand, and support others.

Who serves, understands, and supports you?

I’m not asking, “Who finishes tasks for you?” I’m asking, “Who supports you as a person?”

Alone:

You’re alone because:

1. You pretend you don’t need others.
2. Those around you are fakers, pretending they don’t need others. Authenticity frightens pretenders.
3. You won’t receive.
4. You haven’t told people how to support you.

Supporters:

You need supporters who:

1. Dream big for you. Many want you to stay average or at least below them. Supporters aren’t threatened by your success.
2. Think about your humanity. Nearly everyone wants something from you. Supporters think about you as a person as well as what you do.
3. Strengthen you by understanding and accepting you. Feeling understood and accepted energizes everyone. Vitality fuels the future. It’s not lazy self-indulgence.

Bottom line:

Leaders who don’t feel supported, end up hanging from the end of their rope, drained, disillusioned, and discouraged.

Everyone needs a “with.”

No one ever makes it on their own.

Responsibility:

Stop whining about self-centered people who care only for themselves. The world is full of generous people.

1. Train supporters. Explain what support looks like to you.
2. Welcome and enjoy support when it comes. Stop brushing off support with embarrassment.
3. Jettison the omnipotent leader façade.
4. Develop trusted friends and, most importantly, be honest with them. Stop lying about your struggles. Don’t spill your guts in public but spill them somewhere. If you don’t open up in private, it often happens in public.
5. Never make others responsible for you.

Help others care for you by caring for yourself.

High and mighty leaders, who have it all together, find this the most awkward leadership topic.

How can leaders develop personal support structures?