Inept leaders us power, authority, and position to intimidate. Influential leaders move people from can’t to can by changing what people believe, think, and feel.
Seven steps:
Stop pressuring people to change. You can’t change someone only they can. Peter Senge wisely said, “People don’t resist change, they resist being changed.”
Go back to rule number one until you believe it!
Give acceptance to gain acceptance. Their beliefs come before yours. Listen to understand. Understanding isn’t a contest; acceptance isn’t agreement.
Pull back when they pull back. Create space for change. Pressure creates resistance.
Identify and agree on a core point of resistance. State a sticking point. Do they nod in agreement?
*Ask, “Can we fix this?” Say nothing more. Shhh! Wait! Thinking instantly shifts if they say, “Yes.”
Ask, “What’s the next step?” after “Yes.”
“Yes” changes the brain.
Resistance:
Pressured people explain reasons it can’t be done and why it won’t work. Their brains are busy defending “no.”
People who believe it won’t work
find reasons it won’t work.
Changing Thinking:
The moment someone says, “Yes, we can fix this,” their thinking irresistibly, inevitably changes. “Yes” shifts brains from can’t or won’t to can and how.
You can’t say, “Yes, we can fix this,”
without also thinking how.
No:
What happens when they say, “No, we can’t fix this?” Find “yes” somewhere else. Ask, “Is there something we can fix?”
Only an UNbullied “yes” changes can’t to can.
***
*The first time I saw, “Can we fix this?” was in, “To Sell is Human,” by Daniel Pink.
Bonus material:
Facebook contributors share their insights on dealing with negative thinkers. 4/12/13
My children used to say, “Stop yelling dad.” I’d say, “I’m not yelling.” My voice sounded calm to me.
Authority and power amplify actions and words.
Every behavior of respected leaders is magnified. Tell a team member, for example, “Your report is late.” They hear, “I’m getting fired.” Or, you ask, “What happened?” They feel picked on.
You think , “no big deal.” They think, “Big deal.” That’s what respect does.
Toxic:
Toxic environments develop when leaders don’t realize their power. Quiet is loud when you’re respected, powerful, and authoritative.
Yell the good. Whisper the bad.
Important:
Don’t forget you matter.
We have bigger bodies and different clothes but we’re thirteen on the inside. You look on the inside and see a kid; they look on the outside and see a leader.
You matter in wrong ways when you forget you matter.
Embrace your importance but reject self-importance.
Humility:
I’m not inflating your ego. Chances are you have plenty. I’m writing this to clarify the impact of your words and behaviors.
Arrogant leaders, who fear they don’t matter, throw their weight around like bullies. Humble leaders believe they matter. Additionally, they know they matter most when they make others matter.
C.S. Lewis said, “True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”
Focus on others. You have power to make others powerful.
Amplify:
Imagine everything you do has more impact than you believe. You think your volume is a three. Their respect for you amplifies your three to an eight.
William James said, “Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.”
Leaders who don’t realize their own power accidentally damage people and create toxic environments.
How does believing you matter impact the way you think about leadership?
The more powerful you are the more serious your expression. I call it the Rule of the Serious Face.
Powerful people don’t smile.
Some organizations coach top leaders not to smile. It’s true!
The “un” of powerful leaders:
Unconnected.
Unavailable.
Unhelpful.
Unfeeling.
Unhappy. (Or at least, unsmiling.)
The higher you go in some organizations
the more “Un” you become.
Worst “Un”:
“Un” leaders, sadly, are unaligned with behaviors expected of others.
When mid-level and front-line employees behave like top brass, everyone wonders what’s bothering them. “What’s wrong with Bob, he hasn’t smiled all day?” “What’s bothering Brenda, she seems so guarded?”
Curing “un” leadership:
Behave like you expect others to behave. How simple is that?
This isn’t the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you. This is the “I’m no better than you” Rule:
Do as you expect others to do.
If you expect others to smile, smile. How hard is that?
Put your feet on the ground;
pull your nose out of the air.
OK, leadership is serious. Unguarded words, for example, may cause turmoil and tension. Serious expressions reflect position and power. You’re important. I get it.
Questions:
Could you:
Amp up pleasantness and remain connected with problems?
Move toward others rather than away?
Express emotion without becoming emotional?
Try:
Patting someone on the shoulder and smiling?
Bringing snacks to the department on the first floor?
Writing a thank you note?
Having just a little fun?
Leaders who are full of themselves
don’t have room for others.
Organizations reflect their leaders. Unhappy leaders build unhappy organization.
I did leadership all wrong for years. I held leadership positions without understanding effective leadership practices. My early education was in theology. Tragically, I had no training in leadership.
My leadership journey includes powerful, sometimes painful, shifts in attitudes and practice.
The first shift:
Leaders hold spotlights rather than stand in them.
I thought leaders were stars. But, leaders aren’t actors on center stage. They play supporting roles and work backstage. Most importantly, leaders are the audience.
Too many leaders need the spot light, too few give it.
Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage.” Think of an organization as a stage. Team members and employees are actors. Leaders are the audience.
Everyone needs an audience.
Actors crave audience approval. Audiences praise effort, achievement, and excellence. Cheers and whistles make work worthwhile.
Actors fear audience disapproval. Boos and jeers sting.
The power of respect is the power to build up others.
The more respect you earn the more your approval matters.
An audience helps people see themselves. A few summers ago my wife and I had a rare exchange of words. We were yelling over something that we’ve long forgotten. In the process it dawned on us that our windows were opened and the neighbors could hear. Oooops!
In a flash we saw ourselves through the eyes of others. We still laugh at how foolish we must have sounded to our “audience” and how quickly we quieted our volume.
Respected leaders help others see themselves.
Actors whisper, “Did you see so-n-so is here tonight?” when dignitaries sit in the audience.
Actors feel important when someone important is watching.
In my youth, I thought leaders stood on center stage. Now I know leaders are the audience.
Pull with – not against, higher ups. Grab the rope and pull, even if you disagree. Everyone who pulls in their own direction dilutes potential success. If you can’t pull with, jump ship, now.
Aim to make a positive difference. Don’t simply survive. Survival doesn’t inspire.
Listen and agree with expressions of fear. People feel minimized when you minimize their feelings. Affirm don’t correct. Ask, “What makes you feel that way?”
Schedule a “hard truth” meeting to explore worst case scenarios, fears, doubts, and what if’s. The sole purpose is honest expression without solutions. Paint black pictures. Prevent anyone from minimizing or solving anything. Honor and respect pain and fear. You look like a fool when you ignore the obvious. End “hard truth” meetings with power tip #5.
Schedule “tough solutions” meetings.
Break challenges and problems into small pieces. Ask, “Can we fix this?” When you find something you can fix, ask, “What can we do?”
Develop imperfect solutions. The search for perfect solutions creates uncertainty.
Learn as you go.
Celebrate small wins. Enjoy how far you’ve come. Momentarily forget how far you must go.
Focus on things within your power. Uncertainty focuses on factors outside your control; decisions made by others, economic downturns, or regulatory fiascos, for example.
Focus on positive behaviors and less on speculations. Uncertainty always causes speculation. Repeatedly ask, “What can we do.” But remember to embrace power tip #1, first.
Speak hard truths optimistically. Express highest points of confidence. “I’m not sure how this turns out but I’m giving it my best.” Pretending everything’s ok doesn’t instill confidence in those who know it’s not.
Connect with others who faced similar uncertainties and challenges.
Take calls or text during meetings. Now we know you’re important. Ooooo!
Know. Act like you know when you don’t. Arrogance makes learning difficult.
Delegate dirty work.
Isolate. Be too good for the “little” people.
Insulate. Create protective environments.
Interrupt.
Blow up. Anger and arrogance are relatives.
Gossip.
Tell don’t ask.
Speak don’t listen.
Complain and blame rather than solve and support.
Surround yourself with groveling yes-men.
Power:
Humility requires more confidence than arrogance. Fear makes us pretend we know, when we don’t, for example.
Humility is found, expressed, and nurtured in connecting. Arrogance pushes off; humility invites in. Withdrawal suggests independence; connecting expresses interdependence.
Humility builds trust. Trust fuels leadership. But you can’t trust arrogant people. They reject what’s right for what makes them look good, when necessary.
How to be a powerful humble leader:
Stand your ground where values are concerned. Humble leaders submit to noble values.
Realize you aren’t your title.
Demand excellence from yourself, first.
Call for, and enable excellence. (Emphasis on enable.)
Don’t believe your own press. People aren’t telling you the full truth.
Serve.
Sit at the side not the head.
Brag about others. Fools make others feel they don’t matter.
Say thanks. Gratitude softens arrogance.
Invite feedback.
Ask as well as tell. Curiosity reflects humility. Warning: questions may be control-tools. I confess that I use questions to control conversations and divert attention from myself.
Saying, “I’m the boss,” indicates you’ve lost influence and resorted to intimidation.
Coercive power offends. But, power isn’t a dirty word, with it you get things done. Without power, nothing gets done. Power is the ability to change things.
Power and position often come together; higher position usually equals more power. Using power associated with position is the least desirable and most offensive use of power. Think of individuals who advance their own agenda at the expense of others.
It’s said that:
Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Gaining power:
Power as influence is better than power associated with position. Influence doesn’t require position. Weak, disenfranchised people can have power.
Gain power – influence – by understanding others and advancing their goals.
Power that corrupts is about getting.
Power that influences is about giving.
People in positions of power talk too much and listen too little.
People with influence listen.
Leaders with positional power want you to understand them.
Leaders with influence understand you.
Influence is always given never taken.
Managers using positional power push down, limit, pressure, and coerce. They’ve lost influence so they resort to position.
Influencers lift, expand, inspire, and set free. Influencers invigorate. Vitality characterizes organizations led by influencers.
Get things done:
If influencers advance the goals of others, how do they get things done? They align goals, passions, values, vision, and mission.
Tell me what makes you tick and I can influence you.
Influence only works when alignment exists. You won’t influence everyone. Create teams who align with your passions and you create opportunities for influence as long as you focus on their goals. Their goals become shared goals.
What do leaders who rely on positional power do?
How can leaders gain influence without resorting to positional power?
The first thing Jim Parker, former CEO Southwest Airlines, said when I asked him to share the advice he most frequently gives leaders was, “Be yourself.”
“I’m just being me,” can, however, mask stubbornness, resistance, and justify mediocrity. On the other hand, adapting is essential to long-term success.
How can you adapt without losing yourself?
Adapt so others can see the real you
but don’t lose yourself in the process.
Frustration:
What’s more frustrating than positive intentions taken the wrong way? You want to be helpful but others see you as pushy or meddlesome, for example.
Adapting:
Declare your positive intention. “I want to be helpful.” When my wife and I bump heads, I like to say, “I want us to be close.” It helps.
Ask, “What did I do that caused your response?” Search for specific behaviors to avoid. Believe the feedback you receive; don’t resist it.
Ask, “What can I do that helps you see my intent to help?” Search for specific behaviors to employ.
Help others find the inner-you by adapting the external-you.
How many times have you been shocked by strong negative responses to your message? You thought it was a no brainer. Yet, they immediately pushed back. You didn’t give them what they needed.
Adapt communication techniques but don’t lose the message.
Some need more time than others, for example. (Don’t forget you could be wrong. But that’s another post.)
Power:
Adapting opens windows; refusing to adapt slams doors.
Someone else controls you when you aren’t yourself;you become defensive and belligerent or easily manipulated. Don’t cling to self-defeating behaviors in the name of authenticity. Personal stability and deep influence includes being seen and understood for who you are.
Adams and Jefferson, Founding Fathers of the United States, didn’t always like each other. Toward the end of their lives they came to appreciate and respect each other but for much of their political careers they were rivals. Jefferson’s skilled compromising skills offended a dogmatic Adams, for example.
They were at odds but they invested their lives in a shared mission.
Committing to shared mission
and vision binds talent together.
I constantly hear, “Find great talent.” But, fools think talent is enough. Leaders miss the point when they focus on talent and neglect shared mission.
Talent without shared commitment
is disruptive and dangerous.
Off target interviews:
Job interviews miss the target when they focus on what people have accomplished and neglect what they believe. Spend more time talking about organizational vision and values. Dig deep into belief systems. See if their eyes light up when you share your mission.
Shared mission:
Binds diverse people and groups together.
Builds connections where people respect each other even if they don’t like each other.
Enables a context where people rely on the performance of others.
Great talent strengthens organizations as long as everyone deeply commits to a shared mission. Apart from that, diversity is paralyzing chaos.
Don’t just tell me what you’ve done, tell me what you believe.
True believers:
Some are too good to deeply believe in an organization’s mission. They’re too talented, too smart, or too proud. They have their own agenda. They feel they lower themselves if they “drink the kool aid.”
“Company men” are looked down on by aloof elites. I’ll take a true believer with average talent over a disconnected hot-shot any day.
Talent is overrated – belief is underrated.
The leaders who founded the United States believed and because they did, they committed. These are the people who change things.
Yesterday, I asked an upper-level manager at one of the world’s largest organization how he’d risen through the ranks so rapidly – he lit up and talked collaboration.
He’s succeeding because he
influences people he can’t boss.
Leaders influence without position, title, or rank; they invite loyalty, passion, and commitment. They don’t coerce, pressure, or demand. Begin influencing when you don’t have authority by:
Asking.
Listening.
Learning.
Understanding.
Explaining.
Know what makes people tick.
???
Avoid:
Telling.
Pressuring.
Demanding.
???
More on leading without direct-line authority:
Believe:
Belief isn’t just for religious folks;
it’s what great leaders do.
My friend said, “You have to believe.” Believe in the organization as a whole and the project, specifically. Belief fuels everyone’s passion.”
Believe in:
The value you’re bringing, most importantly.
The values, mission, and vision of your company. Buy it!
The people you’re working with. Trust them.
The value of your project. It matters.
???
Win:
“We don’t want to send product back and our supplies don’t want to take it back. It’s expensive. I started giving our suppliers weekly feedback rather than quarterly or semiannually. Now less of their product is rejected. In one case, we cut returns back by 50%. That saved us over 9 million dollars in one year. Everyone wins.”
You can’t win apart from consistent feedback, period.
Value:
“Show them how the project adds value.”
If you want people on your team,
make life better for them.
Make work easier by creating simplicity and efficiency.
Deliver better product.
Increase profitability.
???
Humility:
I saw humility in him so I brought it up. Collaborators don’t need the spotlight they give it. “When projects are successfully completed, top billing goes to others on the team.”
You rise up when you help others rise up.
How can leaders lead when they don’t have authority?
