Believing You Can When You Can’t

Some singers only think they can sing. Tell them they can’t and you have a hearing problem.

Believing you can when you can’t frustrates others and hinders you. Some leaders only believe they can lead.

Deadly weaknesses masquerade as strength.

What if you’re not really great at:

1. Delegating.
2. Organizing.
3. Motivating.
4. Encouraging.
5. Negotiating.
6. Public speaking.
7. Running meetings.

What if the issue is you, not them? Feels awkward doesn’t it?

When you believe you can when you can’t:

1. Issues, faults, and failures become their issues, not yours. The problem is their ears not your glorious voice.
2. Better is enough. “If you knew how I led meetings in the past, you’d stop complaining about how I lead them now.”
3. Improvement stops. Why would you improve your speaking skills when you are a great speaker already? What’s been attained is never improved.
4. Talking is skill. During a recent leadership meeting we discussed the importance of delegating authority rather than tasks. Delegating tasks creates followers. Delegating authority creates leaders. However, in the next breath we delegated tasks. I thought I was good at delegating because I talked the concepts. In reality, I hadn’t adequately defined scope of authority or vision. I ended up delegating tasks.

New Assumption:

You haven’t arrived just yet.
There’s further to go than you think.

1. Listen to and believe feedback that points to frailties.
2. Stop excusing and explaining. Remove, “That’s because,” and, “They don’t understand,” from your language.
3. Develop skills diligently and persistently.

Nearly everyone reading this post has someone over them they’d love to forward this post to, but don’t dare. Maybe it’s you.

How can leaders address the issue that they may have further to go than they think?

The Two Types of People in the World

There are two types of people in the world, dreamers and doers.

Lazy dreamers are useless. Avoid them.

The way to matter is doing what matters.

Dreamless doers are anchors. Reject them.

The way to matter is pursing dreams.

Dreamers:

1. Look down on doers. They’re narrow.
2. Define ideas.
3. Start things.
4. Plan.
5. Dreamers – Oh! Look at that blossom – flit like butterflies.
6. Talk into.
7. Commit quickly.
8. Frustrate doers.

Doers:

1. Look down on dreamers. They’re frivolous.
2. Define steps.
3. Finish things.
4. Execute.
5. Stay on task like hounds on scent.
6. Talk out of.
7. Commit slowly.
8. Frustrate dreamers.

Success:

Find your counterpart. Dreamers need doers and doers need dreamers. Most aren’t great at both.

Extraordinary success demands dreaming and doing.

A word to dreamers. Doers get more done. Getting them to commit is challenging. Life is filled with tasks they must complete. Adding tasks frustrates because it postpones completion. They love success and certainty.

A word to doers. Dreamers take your further. Getting them focused is challenging. Life brims with dreams to chase. Adding dreams excites because it expands impact. They love pursuit and thrive with uncertainty.

Dealing with the difference:

1. Celebrate your counter-part.
2. Invite them in.
3. Leverage their strength.
4. Compensate for their weakness.

The key:

Rather than frustrate, compliment. Know who you are and how you work. Accept who they are and how they work.

Tip:

The more you are of one the less you are of the other, usually.

What corresponding strengths and weaknesses do dreamers and doers possess?

How can dreamers and doers best function together?

The encore presentation of “Writing Blogs that Get Read,” is 12/19/12 at 1:00 p.m. EST. Join me.

A Persistent Feeling of Frailty

The tree won.

November 20^th is the one year anniversary of my collision with a tree that nearly killed me. I think of life as BA and AA, Before Accident and After Accident. The tree won, I lost.

I have foggy recollections of a semi-conscious trip in a life-flight helicopter to a regional trauma center. The noise, the pain, the oxygen mask, persistently drip in the back of my mind.

Three months later, friends asked if I felt “funny,” when I started driving again. They gently substituted “funny” for “afraid.”

Frailty persists:

I caught an awkward glimpse of frailty – life slipping away. It doesn’t hit you till later. Every time I leave home, my wife says drive carefully. It’s not casual. She lives BA and AA, too.

Gratitude persists:

I remember the touch of people who rushed to stand beside my bed.

Two college students built a wheel chair ramp. Friends brought food.

My wife put her life on hold for weeks. I remember Mark setting up the Christmas tree while I watched from a wheelchair, my neck brace pushing my chin up.

Online friends led by Jesse Stoner, Lolly Daskal, and Becky Robinson raised $20,000 in two weeks to help with medical expenses

People did things for me that I couldn’t do for myself. I feel the frailty, even now. But there’s more. Gratitude persists. Compassion drips in the back of my mind.

More not less:

In some ways, I’m less than what I was; in others ways I’m more. Compassion expands our worth in the giving and receiving.

The people who cared told me I mattered. Today, I spend more time letting people know they matter.

Here’s my first AA post: The Reason I haven’t Posted in a Week. It’s a little rambling because of medication.

How to Have Life Changing Conversations

Your job is bringing out the best in others by the way you interact with them. Well timed, well executed conversation change people’s lives.

First:

Determine and affirm aspirations and goals. Never have conversations about an individual’s life, strengths, weaknesses, or potential until you understand their hopes and dreams.

People open their hearts to people
who understand their hearts.

Second:

Explore strengths and weaknesses in the context of aspirations.

Ask:

1. What strengths propel you toward fulfilling your dream?
2. What weaknesses hinder progress?
3. Which strengths are most useful to taking the next step?
4. Which weaknesses are most detrimental to forward movement?

Tip:

If you’re addressing weaknesses, try two questions at once. “What behaviors and qualities will enhance your progress and what qualities and behaviors will hinder your success?” Address negatives in the context of positives.

Affirm strengths by explaining practical benefit and positive potential. Address weakness by exploring how they hinder aspirations.

Third:

Address negatives without being a downer?

Use positive qualities as foundations to discuss behaviors that need improvement. For example, if you’re having conversations with a goal oriented person. Open the “you need improvement” part of the conversation by asking, “A goal oriented person may walk on others, how might that be true of you?”

Fourth:

Craft strategies with them not for them.

After they identify strengths and weaknesses, craft strategies that better move them forward with them. You may feel you know the best answer but they must find their own. Embrace their journey.

Fifth:

Focus more on positives than negatives. If you bring something up that creates frustration or anger, pull back. But, know that anger indicates it matters. Touch the topic at another time. They just aren’t ready to deal with it yet.

How do you have conversations that move people forward?

What types of conversations haven’t worked for you in the past?

The Secrets of Imperfection

You might think it’s awkward but I asked anyway.

“What makes me think you can be a leader?” The person I asked is in their early 20’s with many leadership accomplishments.

Maybe it was part humility, part fear of saying the “wrong” thing, or part sincerely not knowing, eventually they said, “I don’t know.” I said one word, “dissatisfaction.”

Dissatisfaction makes me believe
you could be a successful leader.

Why I said dissatisfaction:

1. I wanted to take something others might see as a weakness and make it a component of strength.
2. A person satisfied with the present can’t lead. All leaders want to make things better.
3. I wanted to encourage them.

Not enough:

Dissatisfaction is the beginning of leadership; it doesn’t guarantee you’ll lead. Many dissatisfied people remain stuck. They never change anything. They comfort themselves by blaming others.

Dissatisfaction destroys people
unless they take responsibility for change.

Make your move:

1. Focus on things you control. Move from dissatisfaction with current conditions to identifying and taking imperfect steps toward change.
2. Build imperfect relationships and alliances. Make it easy for people to join you. Dissatisfied people aren’t always fun to be around. Our dissatisfaction gets old. Being dissatisfied and feeling alone is nearly unbearable.
3. Develop imperfect solutions. The trouble with dissatisfaction is there’s never a satisfying solution.
4. Celebrate imperfect progress. If you don’t celebrate imperfect progress, progress always ends. Forget the magic pill. It doesn’t exist.

Don’t let go of dissatisfaction; embrace it.

Deal with an imperfect world, imperfectly,
if you don’t, you’re doomed to become what you despise.

Related post: Walking the Leadership Tightrope

What role does dissatisfaction play in your life and leadership?

How do you deal with dissatisfaction?

The Surprising Side of Gaining Influence.

You can’t lead people you don’t know. Knowing others means understanding and appreciating not judging.

Humility:

Knowing others is first about you then about others. Humility accepts. Arrogance judges and rejects.

Difference frustrates arrogant leaders. Everyone should be like them. On the other hand, humble leaders embrace those with different strengths, weaknesses, cultural backgrounds, and ways of seeing, for example.

Humility is the channel of understanding and appreciating others.

Awareness and acknowledgement:

People respect and follow competence. But there’s more. Accepting your weaknesses – something humble leaders do – is an invitation to the strengths of others.

Reluctance to acknowledge weaknesses is arrogance. Pretending you’re something you’re not eventually becomes self-deception.

The first step to knowing others is knowing yourself.

Knowing others:

Influence takes root when others feel known. Enhancing influence includes knowing their:

1. Goals both personal and professional. If you want to influence others know what they want.
2. Pressures and stresses. Acknowledge them.
3. Communication styles. Some need the whole story others just the facts. Some say, “Just give me the punch line.”
4. Real and aspirational role in the organization. Know what success looks like from their point of view.

The surprising truth is humble leaders gain influence because they know, understand, and appreciate others.

You can’t make people do things, over the long haul. Humble leaders influence. Maxwell says, “Leadership is influence.”

What do leaders need to know about those they are leading?

How can leaders get to know others?

How Passion for Good Creates Bad

“There are two things people want more than sex and money- recognition and praise.” Mary Kay Ash, founder, Mary Kay Inc. Money matters but money without respect is dissatisfying.

Always affirm worth
even if you can’t reward financially.

Failure in one area may overshadow success in another. When it does, you withhold recognition and praise where it’s due.

Personally:

I believe we go further by focusing on strengths but I tend to focus on my weaknesses. It’s a constant battle. When someone comes to “help” me with a shortcoming I smile and listen but the truth is I’ve already thought of that one and a dozen more.

The bad tends to overshadow the good; failure tends to overshadow success.

Organizationally:

Passion to improve may magnify shortcomings and failures. Change begins with dissatisfaction.  Discontent is part of passion for excellence. But, organizations grow gloomy apart from large doses of recognition and praise.

More criticism than praise results in depressed environments.

Don’t burry your head in the sand and pretend everything’s ok. Deal with failures and shortcomings. But, failure in one area isn’t reason to withhold praise for success in another.

Celebration works better than complaint.

Leaders create dark, negative environments by criticizing failure more than recognizing success. Things could always be improved. Replace discontent with recognition and praise, just for today.

When failures obscure successes, darkness prevails.

How do leaders fall into the negativity trap?

How can leaders create positive energy?

The Stupidity and Strength of Youth

Young leaders focus on themselves too much. They mistakenly believe success depends on them rather than others. They think about their own potential and neglect the potential of others.

Small dreams are reached alone.
Great dreams require others.

Young leaders limit themselves by sinking into themselves. Shifting from success to significance makes great dreams possible.

Other mistakes young leaders make:

1. Reluctance to lead. (Frequently a belief issue)
2. Assuming dissent is resistance.
3. Making impulsive decisions without doing their homework.
4. Hiding ignorance.
5. Not asking.
6. Being arrogant.
7. Assuming collaboration just happens.
8. Acting independently.
9. Inconsistency.
10. ????

This list is inspired by contributors on the Leadership Freak Facebook page.

Missed Opportunity:

The strength of youth is passion. Never quench it; always fuel it. Yes it’s dangerous. But it sure beats lethargy and safety.

Fools preserve the status quo
when they corral young leaders.

Teach young leaders to:

1. Embrace their passion.
2. Take risks. I see young leaders who talk it but refuse to take risks. All great dreams are risky!
3. Understand people.
4. Ask questions.
5. Inspire others.
6. Embrace high expectations.
7. Work hard and follow through.
8. Embrace values while pursuing new opportunities. Values create stability and consistency.

Equipping:

Successful leaders equip others to bring value, efficiently and effectively. Teach young leaders to become what I’ll call “second generation” leaders.

It’s useful to ask, “How can I help?” Second generation leaders also ask, “How can I help you help others?”

Sick:

I’m nauseated by our inability to capitalize on the power of youth. Trying to make them like us cripples both them and us. If potential is in people, leadership’s greatest opportunities are in young leaders.

How can we address the weaknesses and capitalize on the strengths of young leaders?

Giving Criticism Like a Pro

Stop talking if you’re a critical boss.

You may say, “I’m just being helpful.” Unrequested criticism is like a drive-by shooting – there’s no responsibility for positive outcomes. It’s sleazy and easy.

After writing, “Taking Criticism Like a Pro” a reader asks, “How about teaching bosses how to give criticism like a pro?”

10 Ways to give great criticism:

1. Great criticism begins long before it’s given. Never criticize before you’ve instructed, explained, and illustrated values and desired behaviors. Values are most important; behaviors follow. Leaders first teach then criticize.
2.  Affirm more; criticize less. Great places to work are positive, affirming, and encouraging. You’re lazy, ignorant, or stupid if you think negative criticisms create positive work environments. Critical bosses create critical environments.
3. The feedback sandwich creates indigestion if you aren’t a positive leader, already. (Feedback sandwich = affirmation – criticism – affirmation)
4. Use critical thoughts as triggers to give positive affirmations; speak otherwise. I’m always seeing needed improvements. Over-emphasize the positive or you’ll become negative.
5. Make excellence a team sport. Have a “how can we improve our intake procedure” conversation with all participants, for example. Begin with values and work toward behaviors. Choose one or two new behaviors to implement. Don’t overwhelm.
6. Don’t wait. If you’re sure they know better, criticize immediately; the worse the offense the stronger the criticism. Hold yourself and others to high standards, if you don’t mediocrity sets in. (Observe all human resource guidelines, where applicable)
7. Clearly explain and illustrate offenses, corrections, and consequences. There should be no surprises.
8. Be pleasant when giving unpleasant news.
9. Set deadlines and follow-up quickly. Next week is better than next month.
10. Compliment more; people over-focus on criticism. (Yes that’s like #2-4)

Bonus: Pointing out faults is 10% of the work. Great criticism is always constructive; done well it changes people. Criticism is essential but its power is overrated.

How can leaders become great at giving criticism?

Taking Criticism Like a Pro

This question arrived from a reader: “My boss says I need to get better at taking criticism.”

Confidence when criticized:

Confidence is a product of knowing what to do next.

Close your eyes and imagine your boss giving you negative feedback. Get deep into those negative feelings. Now bring your best self to the exchange; how does the best you respond?

If you have trouble imagining your best self, imagine how someone you admire might respond.

Suggestions for taking criticism like a pro:

1. Make it easy for your boss to criticize you. Most bosses don’t enjoy giving negative feedback. Welcome their insights. Assume they have positive intentions until proven otherwise.
2. Gratitude is your first, planned response. “Thanks for saying that,” reflects confidence in yourself and respect for them.
3. Avoid immediate push back. Pushing back, on the other hand, calls others to push back harder. It’s adversarial.
4. Chill out. If you feel emotional, say, “This is hard for me to hear. Do you mind if a take some time to reflect? I’ll get back to you this afternoon.”
5. Make few statements.
6. Jot it down. Grab some paper and write it down in your own words. Writing is thinking. Show them and ask, “Do you think I understand what you’re saying?”
7. Translate negative criticisms into positive behaviors. “I see you want me to _____ (fill in with observable actions).” Is that right?”
8. Ask, “How will you know when I make improvements?”
9. ???

An alternative:

Take control. Don’t wait for the boss to come to you, go to them. You might approach the boss once a quarter and say, “Do you see me doing things that hinder my performance or advancement?” Have paper and pen in hand.

Follow up later by getting feedback on your action plan.

What are the best ways to take criticism?