How Pretending Develops Leaders

Your brain knows gibberish when it hears it. You can’t fool yourself. “I think I can,” sounds like a lie to someone who believes they can’t.

Pretending you can doesn’t help, but pretending does.
Expand skills and develop behaviors by pretending.

Example:

Fred’s performance stalled. It’s time for a tough conversation that you dread. Worse yet, tough conversations often end with you comforting rather than challenging. You’re a softy.

Invite a member of the leadership team for a walk. Tell them it’s time for a tough conversation with Fred. Say, “I’d like to run something by you.” Pretend you’re having the conversation with Fred.

Guidelines:

1. Don’t violate privacy by talking about Fred with his colleagues.
2. Find someone on the leadership team who knows Fred, if possible.
3. Use fellow leaders who have emotional intelligence.
4. Approach someone who handles tough conversations well.
5. Step outside your organization, when necessary, but protect privacy by changing names.
6. Begin with the end in mine. Always explain the goal of the conversation, first. Describe how you want Fred to feel and behave after the conversation?
7. Invite immediate feedback during practice. Ask, “How did it feel when I said …?”
8. Try several approaches. Adapt your approach to Fred. What works for him?
9. Seek alternatives from your partner. Ask, “How would you handle this situation?”
10. Visualize positive results but practice the process.

Repeating, “I think I can,” while sitting in your office, won’t change a thing.

You tell yourself you can because you fear you can’t. 

“I think I can,” adds stress when you fear you can’t. On the other hand, pretending builds confidence and develops skills.

When I pretend, I often ask someone, “How does it feel when I say…?”

How has pretending helped your leadership?

How can leaders use pretending to develop leadership in others?

The Surprising Path to the Top

Image source

Top tier leaders develop their leadership; bottom tier leaders don’t. Lousy leaders don’t develop their leadership.

Those who need it most – want it least.
Those who need it least – want it most.

Simple test:

Ask yourself, “What am I doing to develop my leadership?” Lousy leaders don’t have an answer.

Number one:

I talked with Marshall Goldsmith, yesterday. Harvard Business Review named him the number one leadership thinker in the world. Marshall said the best always strive to be better.

Surprising path to number one:

Marshall said I always learn more from the people I coach than they learn from me. He’s not minimizing his value. It helps that he only works with top leaders of top organizations in the world.

Grow your leadership by growing others.

Help yourself by helping others. Teachers learn more than students.

The surprising path to the top is helping others to the top.

Unselfishly develop yourself by unselfishly developing others.

Tip:

Know less. Even if you think you know, listen and learn.

In and out:

People ask me how I come up with a leadership post six or seven times a week. I always answer the same way. I’m putting more in my cup than I’m taking out. A conversation with Marshall Goldsmith is one example.

Keep filling and pouring out of your cup.

Writing Leadership Freak is part of my leadership development. You think I do it for others and that’s true. I also do it for me. What I take in, I give out.

Tool:

Here’s a tool to help you develop others and yourself: “Managers as Mentors,” by Chip Bell and Marshall Goldsmith.

How are you developing your leadership?

12 Ways to Find Your Confidence

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Lack of confidence is the dirty secret in top leaders. Insecure leaders often cover insecurities with strutting. Cocky is compensation for lack of confidence.

Cocky is phony confidence.

Puffing up, putting down, posturing, excuse making, and negative comparisons express – lack of confidence – cockiness.

The need to feel superior means you aren’t.

Confidence vs. Cocky

1. Invites in – Pushes away.
2. Inspires – Insults.
3. Relaxed – Stressed.
4. One of – One above.
5. Lifts up – Pushes down.
6. Accepts – Rejects.
7. Releases – Controls.
8. Belonging – Alone.
9. Joy – Fear.
10. Transparent – Phony.

See: The difference between arrogance and confidence is _______, on Facebook. (Great insights from readers)

Reason:

Relational impact is the reason you care about cockiness.

Effective leaders connect. Cocky leaders disconnect, close doors, and shut out.

Confident leaders explore, learn, develop,
and grow in the context of community.

Finding confidence:

1. Reflect on and embrace your beliefs.
2. Reject cocky behaviors. When you feel like pushing others away, pull in, for example.
3. Focus on giving more than getting.
4. Accept your strengths and weaknesses.
5. Develop experience.
6. Adopt a learners attitude.
7. Admit mistakes without excuse and commit to improve.
8. Hold your ground, kindly.
9. Separate performance from intrinsic value.
10. Smile.
11. Plan. Develop first responses to unanticipated questions. Say, “I’m not sure of the answer, let me get back to you,” for example.
12. Share insecurities with friends. Bringing insecurities into the light often weakens them.

Bonus article: “10 Powerful Strategies to Build Your Confidence“

How can leaders find confidence?

Twelve Ways to Spot Fools

Spotting and dealing with fools challenges leaders.

Foolishness has nothing to do with intelligence or talent. Smart, gifted people are prime candidates for foolishness.

Twelve ways to spot fools:

1. Believe they are right.
2. Hate accountability and practical strategies.
3. Love blaming and reject responsibility.
4. Pursue personal ease rather than challenge.
5. Expect you to adapt to them.
6. Reject instruction.
7. Can’t see their foolishness.
8. Express frustrations quickly and openly.
9. Gossip and cut down privately while complimenting publicly.
10. Act confidently.
11. Enjoy talking.
12. Despise listening.

Bonus: Fools don’t seek help. The wise love and seek wisdom. Fools seek their own way because others are wrong and they are right.

Dealing with fools:

Stop talking:

Fools reject responsibility. Stop talking, once you realize you’re dealing with a fool. Talking doesn’t help. They love talking and are usually good at it. Talking drags you into the fool’s world.

Set limits:

Say, “You haven’t delivered agreed upon results. When I bring it up, all I hear are excuses and blaming. You don’t take responsibility. I’m giving this project to Mary.”

They’ll be angry and blame you, but don’t back down. You become the problem when you hold their feet to the fire. Fools despise you when you correct them. They feel you don’t understand.

Set limits for their good and the organization’s. Talking won’t help; limits might.

Establish consequences:

1. Reassignments.
2. Remove responsibilities.
3. Demotions.
4. Unpaid leave.
5. Termination.

Fools undermine your leadership, destroy morale, and reject feedback. Deal quickly and firmly with fools, regardless of their talent.

Not fools:

Work with people who receive instruction and adapt behaviors. Express patience. Help them succeed. But, those who reject instruction, limits, and consequences are fools, reject them.

How do you deal with foolishness in yourself?

How can leaders deal with fools?

How to Get Where You Want to Grow

Growth is a function of engaging in new activities. “New” is the difficult thing. Everyone wants to grow but not everyone wants to step from the known into the unknown.

The edge and beyond:

Growth happens on the fringes of leadership where comfort and discomfort meet.

You can’t grow if you can’t be uncomfortable.

Growth moments occur with one foot on solid ground and one foot firmly in midair. Growth happens “where the sidewalk ends.” (Where the Sidewalk Ends, is a children’s book by Shel Silversein)

If you want to grow:

1. Hang with people out of your league.
2. Say yes and I’ll try.
3. Trust.
4. Evaluate after, not during, stretch experiences.

Today’s growth moment:

I’m learning how to deliver content on camera. I’ll be surrounded by people who know things I don’t know, asking me to try things I haven’t tried. My producer, for example, has a graduate degree from Harvard in Educational Technology.

I plan to trust their expertise, try what they suggest, and basically keep my mouth shut. We’ll evaluate later.

Concept or reality:

The concept of growth is easier than the reality. Be willing to:

1. Be incompetent.
2. Make mistakes.
3. Look foolish.

We never grow until we do something
we haven’t done before.

Bonus:

Growth happens in community not isolation. Books and thinking help, but people are always central to your growth.

What are you doing for your growth?

How can leaders help others grow?

From Tantrums to Leadership

Image source by by Piotr Siedlecki

Weak, fearful leaders are like unrully two year olds. They create messes and throw tantrums. Undeveloped, incompetent leaders are “takers” who believe followers exist to serve them

Weak leaders take:

1. Control. All micro-managers are fearful.
2. Power. Weak leaders fill their need for power by dis-empowering others.
3. Energy. Immature leaders suck energy rather than give it.

Danger:

Six foot, two hundred pound, two year olds are dangerous, destructive, and deadly. Imagine a full grown adult kicking and screaming like an angry toddler. Scary!

Your inner two year old:

When you’re stressed, insecure or exhausted, you’re inner two year old screams to get out. He cries, “Pay attention to me.” Wise leaders listen to their needy, selfish, inner two year old.

Never ignore a screaming two year old.

Screaming two year olds have unmet needs. It’s not pretty but scream gets the job done.

Feeding:

Unfed two year olds get grumpy. Nurture the “little person” inside before the little brat destroys you and others. Never ignore an agitated inner two year old. 

Ignored needs grow.

Constant giving creates empty cups. Take care of you so you can take care of others.

Rockabye baby:

1. Turn off electronic devices.
2. Let go of something.
3. Share inner secrets with someone you trust.
4. Walk with a friend.
5. Hold hands. Better yet, hug.
6. Read a book for pleasure.
7. Do what you want to do.
8. Say, “No.”
9. Write an “I’m thankful for _____.” list.
10. Take a nap.
11. Pray.
12. Complete several small tasks.

Exhausted leaders are fearful leaders. Vince Lombardi said, “Fatigue makes cowards of us all.” Re-energize you in order to energize them.

Recharge before you become totally dischared.

You aren’t the energizer bunny.

When do you know it’s time to re-charge?

How do you re-charge your batteries?

 

The Proven Path to Leadership

Image source

Don’t push people into leading. Desire to lead is leadership’s first requirement. If they don’t desire leadership, step away. Reluctant leaders are burdens to colleagues, followers, and organizations.

If they desire leadership but feel anxiety, don’t worry! Desire includes anxiety. But, you should worry if they don’t.

Follow the desire to lead;
face anxiety as you go.

I remember an emerging leader who said he wanted to lead but didn’t want people to expect anything from him. He didn’t realize how ridiculous he sounded. Thankfully, he matured through his apprehensions.

Growth:

Growth always creates anxiety. New challenges bring feelings of inadequacy. Press through inadequacies with preparation, relationships, and courage.

Press through anxiety or
the current world becomes permanent.

The path:

Address apprehensions with a proven path to leadership.

“There is no magic formula that says if you do this you’ll lead effectively. But there is a magic formula to get there and it is very, very dependable.” Dr. Henry Cloud

The big four:

Dr. Cloud explains four necessary building blocks to become a leader:

1. Relationships: We develop in the context of relationships. Find mentors, coaches, advisors, and guides.
2. Information: Learn everything you can about leading. “Do your homework.” Attend conferences and read books.
3. Experience: Learn to lead by leading. Seize opportunities like volunteering, for example.
4. Structure: Schedule leadership development activities. Development is an intention not an accident. Take yourself to lunch once a month, for example.

Listen to Dr. Cloud explain in his own words (3:53):  

What are key ingredients to developing leadership?

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Development resources:

• One hour conversation with Dr. Henry Cloud on Boundaries for Leaders.
• Boundaries for Leaders Simulcast on April 17, 2013.

The Worst Leadership Tragedy

The worst leadership tragedy is *pissing away your potential.

Stop insulting your Maker, degrading yourself, and disrespecting the people around you by wasting inborn aptitudes and abilities.

Neglect and negativity never achieve results.

If I traveled back in time and met the young Leadership Freak, I’d say, “Danny, your first responsibility is developing your leadership. You matter more than you think. But, you won’t matter much if you’re careless about developing your leadership.”

You won’t change the world if you neglect your development.

Fools and losers believe races are won apart from rigorous preparation. Development propels your leadership through barriers into greater effectiveness and impact.

The leader’s first responsibility is
developing their ability to serve.

Life and leadership radically changed when I got serious about developing my leadership. Here’s a suggestion for you…

Lunch:

Take yourself and a notebook to lunch once a month and ask yourself probing questions.

1. What is the message of repetitive frustrations? Frustrations are gifts that reveal development opportunities.
2. What new connection should I develop? Dr. Henry Cloud, author of, “Boundaries for Leaders,” said, “We develop in the context of relationship.”
3. Is life’s trajectory upward or downward?
4. What anxiety-points am I facing? Growth includes pushing through anxiety.
5. How am I different since “our” last lunch? (“Better,” is not an answer. Get specific.)
6. How would I like to be different next month?
7. What steps behaviors produce my preferred future?

Bonus question: What would I say to me, if I was sitting across the table from myself?

Schedule a series of lunches with yourself and don’t break those appointments.

*Any word in the King James Bible is acceptable for print. 1Samuel 25:22

What questions would you ask yourself at your leadership lunch?

The Most Dangerous Leadership Weakness

Dangerous leadership weaknesses include:

1. Lack of self-awareness.
2. Listening to brown nosers.
3. Pointing out problems without celebrating progress.
4. Closed ears and opened mouths.
5. People pleasing.

More on Facebook (4/8/13).

All:

All strengths have corresponding weaknesses. Good with people often means bad organizational skills, for example.

The law of equilibrium:
Extraordinary always includes extra-lousy.

You suck. The better you are the more you suck. Put another way, people with average talent have average weaknesses; extraordinary talent has extraordinary weakness.

The more able in one area – the more unable in another.

Embrace weakness like you exalt strengths. Until you do, you’re dangerous.

Most dangerous:

The most dangerous leaders believe they can when they can’t. Put gently, its ego; bluntly, its arrogance. Additionally, egotistical leaders justify weaknesses with strengths. “I’m getting results so chill out,” they say.

Getting through:

People who think they can, when they can’t, don’t listen. You can’t teach someone who already knows. Leaders who justify weaknesses, don’t care about their weaknesses.

Nothing short of a butt kicking gets through. But, kick an arrogant person and they kick back. When they have power, it’s dangerous.

Real issue:

There’s no hope until the door to frailty, weakness, and inability swings open. Only you can open that door.

You can’t move forward until you know you fall short.

The real issue is you aren’t wrong and can’t be weak, at least that’s what you think.

Solutions:

Solutions begin with you.

In your head start saying, “I could be wrong.” If you prefer, ask, “What if I’m wrong?” Keep moving forward but include self-questioning on the way.

After you get comfortable with saying, “I could be wrong,” start saying, “They could be right.” Or, ask yourself, “What if they are right?”

Leaders and organizations grow stronger when they acknowledge and deal with weaknesses.

More practical suggestions: “Believing You Can When You Can’t“

How can leaders become better at knowing their weaknesses?

What advantages come to leaders who embrace their weaknesses?

I Hate Manipulators

The issue isn’t what you want. All leaders want the same thing, results. You can’t lead until you define desired results.

Results drive everything leaders do.

In the tension between getting results and building relationships, results take priority. Results are the goal. Relationships are the method.

Once you determine results, focus on relationships.

Relationships produce results.

Awkward:

Relationships seem manipulative if results are the goal.

I hate being around people who are always looking for an angle. I find them small and offensive. I smell their stink within the first few sentences out of their mouths. When my “manipulator radar” goes off, my guard goes up. Manipulators:

1. Size you up.
2. Ask, “What’s in it for me.”
3. Hide true intentions.

I feel like I have to protect myself from manipulators.

Balancing results and relationship:

1. Be transparent. Declare yourself and see if they reciprocate. Relationships include reciprocity.
2. “It’s just business,” is an excuse to violate a relationship. Never say it. Never believe it.
3. Embrace the genius of “and.” Develop relationships and pursue results.

I want to build relationships with those around me for two reasons. First, I genuinely want to know people. But there’s something more. I want to know you so I can enhance results. If I know you I can:

1. Help you leverage your strengths.
2. Find ways for you to connect and fit in.
3. Give my talents, skills, and perspective to you in ways that make sense to you.

The line between manipulation and relationship is intention.

Manipulators seek their own best interests while pretending they seek yours. Your success threatens them. Relationship based leaders seek your best interests. Your success invigorates them.

Relationship based leaders aggressively seek results and sincerely build relationships.

How do you balance the tension between relationship and results?

Next week’s best free opportunity to develop your leadership is a FREE – Live conference call with bestselling author, Dr. Henry Cloud. Dr. Henry Cloud: Set Boundaries – Extend Results, on April 3 at 1:00 p.m. ET. INFO