Too Afraid to Matter

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Fear binds to the present.

Paralyzing fear pats you on the back when nothing changes.

Fear cheers for the status quo.

Fear says; don’t stand out because you’ll:

1. Look foolish.
2. Screw up. (You will)
3. Get in over your head.
4. Lose what you have.
5. Seem arrogant. Others aren’t standing out. What gives you the right to think you can?

Fear of loss and criticism prevents you from doing what matters.

How to matter most:

Forget and shift:

1. Forget about being in charge. Stop thinking leadership is authority, power, command and control. Shift to serving. Bring benefit. What’s the good thing you can do for others?
2. Forget about final results. Focus on the path forward. Meaningful results never happen all at once. How can you make a difference today?
3. Forget about one. Think two. An ancient proverb says, “Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor.” Everyone needs a “with.” Who can you stand with? Who can stand with you?
4. Forget about old guard leaders who are fear-driven, controlling, and self-protective. Pass them by. They need you to be like them.
5. Forget about fanfare and recognition. Do things quietly. Spotlights come later, if at all.

Bonus: Forget about permission.

Courage:

Above all, doing what matters takes courage.

Courage is taking action while thinking of reasons not to. 

Deep courage is bringing you to opportunities and challenges. People who matter, ask:

1. What does better look like?
2. How does my story apply to this challenge?
3. What can I do?
4. What can we do?

The path:

1. Start small.
2. Start now. Starting is the most important thing you’ll do today.
3. Start “with.”

Courage needs a next step; fear needs a guarantee.

How can people overcome paralyzing fear?

Facing Reluctance

Don’t waste yourself. You can – you must – lead.

Every connection, challenge, problem, pain-point, opportunity, or exchange, opens doors to leadership – to make things better.

Reject:

1. Embarrassment with your desire to make things better.
2. Waiting for titles or position. Leadership isn’t a title.
3. Beat-down from do-nothing detractors.
4. Traditional command and control leadership.

Every time you stifle your longing to matter,
you lose a piece of yourself.

Terminology:

Are you uncomfortable with the terms leader and leadership? Redefine them. Leadership is:

1. Influencing. Ask, “What’s important?”
2. Seeking a step toward better. Ask, “What’s next?”
3. Bringing value to others. Ask, “How can I help?”
4. Solving problems with others. Ask, “Can we fix this?”
5. Bringing yourself to challenges and opportunities. Ask, “What can I bring?”

If you can’t say, “I’m a leader,” say I’m an:

1. Influencer.
2. Collaborator.
3. Solution seeker.
4. Simplifier.
5. Liberator.
6. Next step taker.
7. Value adder.
8. Improver.

Don’t let others define you. Define yourself in terms of  your passion. Stop muffling your inner longing to make a difference.

8 tips for finding your leadership:

1. Give yourself permission. It’s always OK to do good.
2. Be you. If you like organizing, then organize, for example.
3. Help others know they matter. You matter most when you help others know they matter.
4. Step toward better.
5. Thank critics. “Thanks for telling me I can’t make a difference!” (sarcasm) Losers want you to lose too.
6. Tell a friend you want to step up.
7. Do something every week that develops you.
8. Bring others in. Leaders connect rather than retreat.

Following:

If everyone leads, who follows? Leading includes following, supporting, and enabling. Leading isn’t fighting for power and control. Great followers have hearts of leaders.

Listen to secret, stifled yearnings that whisper, “You matter.”  You’re surrounded by “ordinary” people who lead. Be one. Do something.

How can reluctant leaders find their leadership?

The Worst Leadership Tragedy

The worst leadership tragedy is *pissing away your potential.

Stop insulting your Maker, degrading yourself, and disrespecting the people around you by wasting inborn aptitudes and abilities.

Neglect and negativity never achieve results.

If I traveled back in time and met the young Leadership Freak, I’d say, “Danny, your first responsibility is developing your leadership. You matter more than you think. But, you won’t matter much if you’re careless about developing your leadership.”

You won’t change the world if you neglect your development.

Fools and losers believe races are won apart from rigorous preparation. Development propels your leadership through barriers into greater effectiveness and impact.

The leader’s first responsibility is
developing their ability to serve.

Life and leadership radically changed when I got serious about developing my leadership. Here’s a suggestion for you…

Lunch:

Take yourself and a notebook to lunch once a month and ask yourself probing questions.

1. What is the message of repetitive frustrations? Frustrations are gifts that reveal development opportunities.
2. What new connection should I develop? Dr. Henry Cloud, author of, “Boundaries for Leaders,” said, “We develop in the context of relationship.”
3. Is life’s trajectory upward or downward?
4. What anxiety-points am I facing? Growth includes pushing through anxiety.
5. How am I different since “our” last lunch? (“Better,” is not an answer. Get specific.)
6. How would I like to be different next month?
7. What steps behaviors produce my preferred future?

Bonus question: What would I say to me, if I was sitting across the table from myself?

Schedule a series of lunches with yourself and don’t break those appointments.

*Any word in the King James Bible is acceptable for print. 1Samuel 25:22

What questions would you ask yourself at your leadership lunch?

Success is Harder than Failure

This post began as an email. It’s my response to a person who shared their mixed feelings regarding unexpected success and opportunity.

***

I’ve been thinking about our conversation regarding the problem of success and opportunity.

Those who succeed in unexpected ways know that success is harder than failure. We are excited with opportunities but they also feel uncomfortable, like new shoes. We should feel more gratitude and less anxiety.

When views were in the hundreds, writing Leadership Freak was easier. Today, with views in the millions, writing Leadership Freak feels a bit like new shoes. Additionally, opportunities come my way that exceed my expectations.

Yesterday, the leader of a 2 billion dollar government agency shook my hand and said, “I’m a huge fan.” It felt great. I also felt like hiding under the table.

Trust:

Someone told me, when Leadership Freak started taking off, “Trust Yourself.” This morning, I share that with you. Trust yourself.

Know:

Don’t get lost in opportunites. Know yourself. Take time to reflect on who you are. Let who you are guide what you do.

Bring:

Bring yourself to challenges and opportunities. Don’t bring someone else. Just bring you. If you want stress, try being someone else.

Story:

The classic story of David and Goliath has important lessons for leaders who face challenges and opportunities. (I don’t care if you think the story is fiction or fact. The lessons relate.)

David, a young shepherd, saw the challenge, Goliath. Those around him tried to tell him how to face the challenge.

They said, “Put on armor; use this sword.” They wanted him to do it their way, even though they were unwilling to face the challenge themselves.

Ultimately David faced the challenge his way, with a sling and a stone. He brought himself.

Trust Yourself

Bring Yourself

Be Yourself 

I’m a man of faith so my personal lists begins, Trust God. Regardless of your faith, my suggests remain.

How can leaders face the challenges of unexpected success and opportunity?

Last chance to register:

Another way to face opportunities is develop yourself. Today’s best FREE leadership development opportunity is a LIVE conference call at 1:00 p.m. EST with the former CEO of Campbell Soup Co.

Don’t miss it!

What Leaders Get All Wrong About Leadership

I did leadership all wrong for years. I held leadership positions without understanding effective leadership practices. My early education was in theology. Tragically, I had no training in leadership.

My leadership journey includes powerful, sometimes painful, shifts in attitudes and practice.

The first shift:

Leaders hold spotlights rather than stand in them.

I thought leaders were stars. But, leaders aren’t actors on center stage. They play supporting roles and work backstage. Most importantly, leaders are the audience.

Too many leaders need the spot light, too few give it.

Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage.” Think of an organization as a stage. Team members and employees are actors. Leaders are the audience.

Everyone needs an audience.

Actors crave audience approval. Audiences praise effort, achievement, and excellence. Cheers and whistles make work worthwhile.

Actors fear audience disapproval. Boos and jeers sting.

The power of respect is the power to build up others.
The more respect you earn the more your approval matters.

An audience helps people see themselves. A few summers ago my wife and I had a rare exchange of words. We were yelling over something that we’ve long forgotten. In the process it dawned on us that our windows were opened and the neighbors could hear. Oooops!

In a flash we saw ourselves through the eyes of others. We still laugh at how foolish we must have sounded to our “audience” and how quickly we quieted our volume.

Respected leaders help others see themselves.

Actors whisper, “Did you see so-n-so is here tonight?” when dignitaries sit in the audience.

Actors feel important when someone important is watching.

In my youth, I thought leaders stood on center stage. Now I know leaders are the audience.

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Read the growing list of leadership shifts on the Leadership Freak Facebook Page.

How can respected leaders fully embrace and express the power of being an audience?

What are the limits of the audience metaphor?

Exposing god-like Advisers

There’s a long line of individuals who tell you how to lead. Nearly all do the same thing. They tell you how they would do it. But, they aren’t you.

Arrogant advisers believe they are gods molding people into their image, whether they admit it or not.

Many have given me advice, over the years. Nearly all told me how to improve by becoming more like them; its arrogance, perhaps unintentional, but arrogance none the less.

Additionally, I’ve watched older leaders advising young leaders. I’ve seen them puff up because advice-giving is heady for those molding the world into their image. It affirms their god complex. It’s disgusting.

I can count on one hand the number of humble advisers I’ve been privileged to learn from.

Humble advisers help mold you into your best self, not theirs.

One of my trusted advisers offered me some unrequested feedback yesterday. It was about the use of video in a presentation. I’d changed a technique and he noticed it right away. It was useful, not because he wants me to be like him, but because he knows and accepts who I want to be.

6 components of humble advice:

1. Explore your advisee’s person, intentions and goals. Arrogant advisers believe they know when they don’t.
2. Uncover gaps between intention and behavior. Powerful feedback begins with, “It looks like you’re trying to accomplish (insert goal) when you (insert behavior).”
3. Dig into attitudes and behaviors that hinder progress. “What isn’t working?”
4. Ask, “What would your best self, do?”
5. Apply strengths. “How can your strengths, passions, and skills more fully align with your intentions?”
6. Throw yourself into the mix. “Have you thought about (insert behavior)?”

What type of adviser best helps you?

What type of adviser do you want to be?

Overcoming the Downside of Pursuing Excellence

The problem with the pursuit of excellence is there is no done, only better.

Done satisfies. Move on. Yes!

There is no check box in the pursuit of excellence.

The second challenge with the pursuit of excellence is feedback. Excellence demands feedback but feedback begins in the past. Beware, the past sucks in like black holes.

Danger of “should have”:

“Should have” is the language of regret. “You should have…,” puts down.

“Should have” corrects the past; something impossible to do. “We should have…,” belittles past wisdom, effort, and passion.

Should-have-leaders honor critics and, in so doing, create more critics. “You’re right, I should have…,” is an invitation for second-guessers, nay-sayers, and critics. You get what you honor.

Next time:

“Next time” is better than “should have.”

“Next time” honors participants and ignores critics.

Next-time-leaders:

1. Honor effort, learning, and progress.
2. Build platforms for future initiatives.
3. Look to the future more than the past.
4. Instill hope and show confidence.
5. Ask, “What did we learn?”

No “next time”:

Critics judge, they never focus on next time. They don’t add value.

Critics sit on the sidelines, seldom offering useful suggestions. They tear down.

If the best you can do is point out failures in others,
you’re probably failing yourself.

Participants, on the other hand, build the future by offering insightful evaluations coupled with positive suggestions.

Momentum:

“Should have” ties to the past. “Next time” maintains momentum.

Bonus tip:

“What worked” and “What didn’t work” is better than “What went wrong?”.

How does the pursuit of excellence turn negative in organizations?

How can leaders pursue excellence in positive ways?

 

The “But” of Leadership

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Success is harder to handle than failure.

Yesterday, I reconnected with the Chief Security Officer at Microsoft, Michael Howard. I’m freakishly interested in leadership so I asked him about his own leadership journey. He said, “Things are going smoothly.”

I wondered how he was handling smooth sailing. He said, “We don’t want to get comfortable.”

“It’s good to have a battle, it gives you a goal.”
Mike Howard

The “but” of success:

“We’re doing great but we’re not there yet.” Mike said,

“Be proud of success, BUT…”

Too much “not there yet” and you discourage the team. Too much celebrating success and everyone thinks you’ve arrived.

Creating the but:

The two-sided challenge of leadership is dissatisfaction during success and honoring progress when you fall short.

Mike brought up the term, “paranoid.”

During a workshop in New York City, Jim Collins said, “Hi performing leaders are “paranoid performers.” They’re always asking, ‘What if,’ and then preparing for it. They think about and anticipate the day of ‘bad things.’”

Mike said, “We’re asking ourselves, ‘What haven’t we thought of?’”

Positive environments:

Positive work environments are never an accident. They’re created by leaders who think and act with positivity.

Constant “buts” discourage. “We did great, but there’s more to do.”

The function of success is not comfort but fire.

Give it a break. Bring up your “but” tomorrow.

Don’t let your “but” diminish your success.

If you’re always saying “but” after forward movement, you’re a dark cloud, dissatisfied downer. You’re a dripping faucet. You discourage. You don’t motivate.

Help everyone enjoy hard earned successes; enjoy them yourself.

Pick your “buts” carefully.

Tension:

I’m not suggesting Mike is constantly saying, “but.” However, when things are going well successful leaders always think what’s next; they always press forward.

Connect with Mike on twitter: @MikeHowardMSG

See the Facebook conversation: Success can be more challenging than failure because ______.

How do you navigate the tension between celebrating success and the need to reach higher?

Helping Others Begin Their Leadership Journey

When leadership is about making things better it’s inclusive not exclusive; functional not positional.

Everyone who asks, “How can I help us make things better?”
is on a leadership journey regardless of position.

Three essentials:

Everyone leads when they believe in their own voice, embrace a vision, and exercise change-making-skills and strategies. Voice without vision – clear direction – dilutes life to meaningless chatter. Vision apart from change-making-skills frustrates and paralyzes.

Successful leaders:

1. Reignite everyone’s innate desire to matter.
2. Affirm the voice of others.
3. Provide direction by clarifying vision.
4. Develop everyone’s change-making talents and skills.

Leaders ask others:

1. How do you want to matter?
2. How does your voice align with organizational vision?
3. Where do you fit in?
4. What skills magnify your voice?
5. What skills enable you to create communities – teams – who embrace dreams bigger than themselves?

The first time someone asks, “How can I help us make things better?” is the day a leader is born. But, beware, baby leaders die quickly. They need encouragement, vision, and tools.

Matter more:

“What can “I” do?” is good but too small. The question is, “What can we do?”

The difference is doing things “for” or doing things “with.”

Individual contributors always matter. Those who create and participate in communities dedicated to making things better matter more.

First steps for functional leaders:

1. Once you find your own voice help others find theirs.
2. Connect with people who want to make the world better in ways that fuel your passion.
3. Learn skills that enable you and your community make a difference, communication, planning, and goal setting, for example.

Everyone can be a leader even if they don’t have a title or position. It begins by asking, “How can I help us make things better?”

How can leaders help others realize their own leadership potential?

Can Complainers Become Leaders

Are complainers potential leaders? Listen closely to their complaints; learn from their techniques. Seeing problems is the beginning of leadership; circling problems ends leadership.

Some see problems and complain;
leaders see problems and seek solutions.

Political Complainers:

The first time I met a political complainer I was twenty-five and leading a growing nonprofit.

She came representing the complaints of others.

In reality she wanted her own way. She overstated problems and ignored success. It didn’t matter that a dying organization had found new life.

Every organizational growth cycle produces political complainers who come representing others. Their power to gather followers is in compassion, real or fake.

Their power of influence is making
people feel they care and suggesting you don’t.

My experience indicates political complainers can devastate organizations. They pursue restoration of the past in the false hope that going back solves growth pains.

Growth causes pain. Compassionate people complain about change because change hurts.

Leadership ends when preventing discomfort becomes the ultimate goal.

Never let those who don’t like
what’s working change it.

Pit bull Complainers:

Unlike political complainers who represent others, pit bull complainers never let it go. Round and round you’ll go discussing the same issues over and over. Tenacity is their gift.

Questions to ask about complainers:

1. Can they go beyond pointing out problems?
2. Can compassion and tenacity be refocused?
3. Are they willing to create and execute solutions to the problems they see?
4. Are they willing to do what’s best for the organization?
5. Do they align with organizational values?
6. Is forward-facing possible?
7. Can they become loyal?
8. Can they find ways to talk about the future without complaining about the past?
9. Can they transition from pressuring you to achieving on their own?

Forward-facing solutions create momentum. Backward-facing complaints de-motivate.

Have you seen complainers become leaders?

How can complainers become leaders?