From Tantrums to Leadership

Image source by by Piotr Siedlecki

Weak, fearful leaders are like unrully two year olds. They create messes and throw tantrums. Undeveloped, incompetent leaders are “takers” who believe followers exist to serve them

Weak leaders take:

1. Control. All micro-managers are fearful.
2. Power. Weak leaders fill their need for power by dis-empowering others.
3. Energy. Immature leaders suck energy rather than give it.

Danger:

Six foot, two hundred pound, two year olds are dangerous, destructive, and deadly. Imagine a full grown adult kicking and screaming like an angry toddler. Scary!

Your inner two year old:

When you’re stressed, insecure or exhausted, you’re inner two year old screams to get out. He cries, “Pay attention to me.” Wise leaders listen to their needy, selfish, inner two year old.

Never ignore a screaming two year old.

Screaming two year olds have unmet needs. It’s not pretty but scream gets the job done.

Feeding:

Unfed two year olds get grumpy. Nurture the “little person” inside before the little brat destroys you and others. Never ignore an agitated inner two year old. 

Ignored needs grow.

Constant giving creates empty cups. Take care of you so you can take care of others.

Rockabye baby:

1. Turn off electronic devices.
2. Let go of something.
3. Share inner secrets with someone you trust.
4. Walk with a friend.
5. Hold hands. Better yet, hug.
6. Read a book for pleasure.
7. Do what you want to do.
8. Say, “No.”
9. Write an “I’m thankful for _____.” list.
10. Take a nap.
11. Pray.
12. Complete several small tasks.

Exhausted leaders are fearful leaders. Vince Lombardi said, “Fatigue makes cowards of us all.” Re-energize you in order to energize them.

Recharge before you become totally dischared.

You aren’t the energizer bunny.

When do you know it’s time to re-charge?

How do you re-charge your batteries?

 

Seven Simple Steps From Can’t to Can

Every organization has “can’t do” people in it. Their first words are no, can’t, or won’t. Successful leaders change can’t to can.

Real influence:

Coercion creates conformity; influence transforms.

Incompetent leaders pressure; skillful leaders influence.

Inept leaders us power, authority, and position to intimidate. Influential leaders move people from can’t to can by changing what people believe, think, and feel.

Seven steps:

1. Stop pressuring people to change. You can’t change someone only they can. Peter Senge wisely said, “People don’t resist change, they resist being changed.”
2. Go back to rule number one until you believe it!
3. Give acceptance to gain acceptance. Their beliefs come before yours. Listen to understand. Understanding isn’t a contest; acceptance isn’t agreement.
4. Pull back when they pull back. Create space for change. Pressure creates resistance.
5. Identify and agree on a core point of resistance. State a sticking point. Do they nod in agreement?
6. *Ask, “Can we fix this?” Say nothing more. Shhh! Wait! Thinking instantly shifts if they say, “Yes.”
7. Ask, “What’s the next step?” after “Yes.”

“Yes” changes the brain.

Resistance:

Pressured people explain reasons it can’t be done and why it won’t work. Their brains are busy defending “no.”

People who believe it won’t work
find reasons it won’t work.

Changing Thinking:

The moment someone says, “Yes, we can fix this,” their thinking irresistibly, inevitably changes. “Yes” shifts brains from can’t or won’t to can and how.

You can’t say, “Yes, we can fix this,”
without also thinking how.

No:

What happens when they say, “No, we can’t fix this?” Find “yes” somewhere else. Ask, “Is there something we can fix?”

Only an UNbullied “yes” changes can’t to can.

***

*The first time I saw, “Can we fix this?” was in, “To Sell is Human,” by Daniel Pink.

Bonus material:

Facebook contributors share their insights on dealing with negative thinkers. 4/12/13

Blog post: Something Better than “I Think I Can”

How can leaders change “can’t do” to “can do?”

7 Secrets to Leading Through Turbulence

I chartered a sailboat for our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. It was clear, sunny, and we could see the shores of St. Croix, when the captain invited me to “take the helm.”

Even a former farm boy can steer the boat in calm waters. I felt more important than I was. But…

Leaders matter most during storms.

Turbulent times and threatening circumstances call for skillful leadership. People depend on you. Challenging times make or break you and those around you. Rise up.

Your response impacts their response.

7 Surprising secrets to sailing in rough seas:

1. Give power don’t take it. Tough times paralyze powerless people. Stifle your inner control freak!
2. People feel most powerful when they feel in control. I still remember the feeling of holding the helm. I wasn’t doing much but I felt in control. Focus on controllable behaviors not uncontrollable circumstances.
3. Ramp up compassion; tone down harshness. Embrace the tension between tender and tough. You tip toward one or the others. Cling to both. Exceptional leaders call for excellence in compassionate ways, for example.
4. Deal quickly and decisively with lollygaggers. Do it for the good of the team. They anchor everyone. Give ultimatums to half-hearted foot-draggers. “You have one week to get on board or I’m throwing you over the side.” Crews cheer when sluggards walk the plank.
5. Respond to hand wringing naysayers by asking, “What can we do?”
6. Say everything you can say. Information is power. The more information you give the more powerful they feel.
7. Create predictability when times are unpredictable. Establish rituals. Schedule a Wednesday morning meeting to track progress,  adapt plans, and create wins.

Bonus: Stand on deck more than ever. Be seen: walk around more, touch base more, stop in more.

Added resource: “10 Ways to Navigate Turbulence.”

What does leading successfully in turbulence look like to you?

Register today for tomorrow’s FREE – LIVE conference call with Dr. Henry Cloud. Learn how setting boundaries extends results. Find strategies for results, relationships, and being ridiculously in charge. INFO

The Problem of Power

Image of one of our grandsons.

The more powerful you are the more serious your expression. I call it the Rule of the Serious Face.

Powerful people don’t smile.

Some organizations coach top leaders not to smile. It’s true!

The “un” of powerful leaders:

1. Unconnected.
2. Unavailable.
3. Unhelpful.
4. Unfeeling.
5. Unhappy. (Or at least, unsmiling.)

The higher you go in some organizations
the more “Un” you become.

Worst “Un”:

“Un” leaders, sadly, are unaligned with behaviors expected of others.

When mid-level and front-line employees behave like top brass, everyone wonders what’s bothering them. “What’s wrong with Bob, he hasn’t smiled all day?” “What’s bothering Brenda, she seems so guarded?”

Curing “un” leadership:

Behave like you expect others to behave. How simple is that?

This isn’t the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you. This is the “I’m no better than you” Rule:

Do as you expect others to do.

If you expect others to smile, smile. How hard is that?

Stop telling; start modeling. Stop granting yourself exemptions.

Put your feet on the ground;
pull your nose out of the air.

OK, leadership is serious. Unguarded words, for example, may cause turmoil and tension. Serious expressions reflect position and power. You’re important. I get it.

Questions:

Could you:

1. Amp up pleasantness and remain connected with problems?
2. Move toward others rather than away?
3. Express emotion without becoming emotional?

Try:

1. Patting someone on the shoulder and smiling?
2. Bringing snacks to the department on the first floor?
3. Writing a thank you note?
4. Having just a little fun?

Leaders who are full of themselves
don’t have room for others.

Organizations reflect their leaders. Unhappy leaders build unhappy organization.

Bonus material: “7 Powerful Ways to Enhance Your Power“

What “Un” could be added to the “Un” of top leaders?

How can leaders remain human?

Join me on March 27 for a conversation with a leader who retained his humanity even as he rose to the top of Campbell Soup Co.

What Leaders Get All Wrong About Leadership

I did leadership all wrong for years. I held leadership positions without understanding effective leadership practices. My early education was in theology. Tragically, I had no training in leadership.

My leadership journey includes powerful, sometimes painful, shifts in attitudes and practice.

The first shift:

Leaders hold spotlights rather than stand in them.

I thought leaders were stars. But, leaders aren’t actors on center stage. They play supporting roles and work backstage. Most importantly, leaders are the audience.

Too many leaders need the spot light, too few give it.

Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage.” Think of an organization as a stage. Team members and employees are actors. Leaders are the audience.

Everyone needs an audience.

Actors crave audience approval. Audiences praise effort, achievement, and excellence. Cheers and whistles make work worthwhile.

Actors fear audience disapproval. Boos and jeers sting.

The power of respect is the power to build up others.
The more respect you earn the more your approval matters.

An audience helps people see themselves. A few summers ago my wife and I had a rare exchange of words. We were yelling over something that we’ve long forgotten. In the process it dawned on us that our windows were opened and the neighbors could hear. Oooops!

In a flash we saw ourselves through the eyes of others. We still laugh at how foolish we must have sounded to our “audience” and how quickly we quieted our volume.

Respected leaders help others see themselves.

Actors whisper, “Did you see so-n-so is here tonight?” when dignitaries sit in the audience.

Actors feel important when someone important is watching.

In my youth, I thought leaders stood on center stage. Now I know leaders are the audience.

***

Read the growing list of leadership shifts on the Leadership Freak Facebook Page.

How can respected leaders fully embrace and express the power of being an audience?

What are the limits of the audience metaphor?

Three Surprising Secrets to Moving People

All leaders move people. Moving people begins when you understand them, not when they understand you.

Daniel Pink believes the ability to move people begins with attunement.

“Attunement is the ability to bring ones actions and outlook into harmony with other people and with the context you’re in. Think of it as operating the dial on a radio. It’s the capacity to move up and down the band as circumstances demand, locking in on what’s being transmitted, even if those signals aren’t immediately clear or obvious.” Daniel Pink, Too Sell is Human: The Surprising Truth about Moving Others.

Pink defines attunement as, “Perspective-taking.”

Moving others begins with
taking their perspective not pushing yours.

Tune into another’s perspective, but how?

Three ways to find attunement:

1. Pink writes, “Assume that you’re not in power.” Pink’s comment is based on research by Galinsky, Magee, and Gruenfeld, Power and Perspectives Not Taken.
2. “Use your head as much as your heart.” Empathy is useful, but thinking about what others are thinking enhance your ability to move them.
3. Mirror. Research demonstrates that mimicking makes people feel you’re attuned. Pink explains it can be as simple as repeating what others say word for word rather than paraphrasing.

More on power:

The more power we believe we have the less able we are to understand and appreciate others and their perspectives.

Those in charge are likely out of touch
because they are in charge.

“Start each encounter with the assumption that you’re in the position of lower power.” Daniel Pink.

Powerful leaders don’t rely on power.

Still more:

Pink explains the ability to move others isn’t becoming a pushover. Loosing yourself to others isn’t leadership its oblivion. Read, To Sell is Human, for the rest of the story.

How might power be a barrier to moving others?

How might power limit one’s ability to take another’s perspective?

The Secret to Defeating Manipulators

Don’t get played.

Cowards, manipulators, and backstabbers encourage you to take risks so they don’t have to. They posture in shadows. Let others get dirty. They step into the light when it’s safe.

Leading requires risk-taking. Don’t lead if you can’t take responsibility. Backstabbers and players, on the other hand, manipulate leaders. They want benefit while others take risks.

Players and manipulators always drive toward self-interest, secretly. Even when making others look bad, its to strengthen their own position.

Exposing manipulative players:

Ask ten questions to see if you’re being played.

1. Are you being asked to keep secrets?
2. Is someone creating paranoia and weakening relationships?
3. Has someone whispered negative information about another in your ear?
4. Who’s in the loop? Who’s left out?
5. Whose life gets easier? Whose gets harder?
6. Why is it important for you to take the lead, rather than someone else?
7. Who looks good if it works?
8. Who takes the fall if it fails?
9. How is the team impacted?
10. Are you functioning within organizational values?

Bonus: Who’s doing the work? Manipulators maneuver others into doing most of the work.

Defeating manipulative players:

All organizations have players and backstabbers who place self-interest ahead of all other interests. They thrive in silence and secrecy.

Silence implies permission.

Secrets strengthen manipulators.

Openness and transparency defeat manipulative players. Don’t attack them. Don’t play their games. Open the shades. Turn on the lights. Watch them fall in line or scurry like cockroaches.

Performance wins when everything’s on the table.

Transparency defeats manipulators.

When you smell the stench of manipulation, invite all stakeholders to a meeting that spells out all deliverables, responsibilities, deadlines, and communication channels. Don’t waste time attacking manipulators. It’s a distraction. Create high performance cultures with transparency.

How can leaders lessen the power of manipulators?

In Praise of Power

Saying, “I’m the boss,” indicates you’ve lost influence and resorted to intimidation.

Coercive power offends. But, power isn’t a dirty word, with it you get things done. Without power, nothing gets done. Power is the ability to change things.

Power and position often come together; higher position usually equals more power. Using power associated with position is the least desirable and most offensive use of power. Think of individuals who advance their own agenda at the expense of others.

It’s said that:

Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Gaining power:

Power as influence is better than power associated with position. Influence doesn’t require position. Weak, disenfranchised people can have power.

Gain power – influence – by understanding others and advancing their goals.

1. Power that corrupts is about getting.
2. Power that influences is about giving.
3. People in positions of power talk too much and listen too little.
4. People with influence listen.
5. Leaders with positional power want you to understand them.
6. Leaders with influence understand you.

Influence is always given never taken.

Managers using positional power push down, limit, pressure, and coerce. They’ve lost influence so they resort to position.

Influencers lift, expand, inspire, and set free. Influencers invigorate. Vitality characterizes organizations led by influencers.

Get things done:

If influencers advance the goals of others, how do they get things done? They align goals, passions, values, vision, and mission.

Tell me what makes you tick and I can influence you.

Influence only works when alignment exists. You won’t influence everyone. Create teams who align with your passions and you create opportunities for influence as long as you focus on their goals. Their goals become shared goals.

What do leaders who rely on positional power do?

How can leaders gain influence without resorting to positional power?

Five Ways to Find and Tap Potential

Image source

Leaders fail when they think too much about things they want and too little about things others want. Immature vision-driven leaders flounder when they believe it’s all about their vision.

Think of leadership as helping others win. But, what is helping and what is winning?

Leader as helper:

The first step toward winning is defining it.

Describing wins always comes before achieving wins.

Successful leaders help others define their wins. They awaken others. Sleep-walkers haven’t defined winning they just walk around doing stuff. Leaders provide new definitions of winning that awaken possibilities and align with potential.

Potential:

Leaders help people paint themselves into pictures of what’s around the corner in the universe of “not yet”.

Potential is always untapped. That’s why it’s called potential.

Potential is in them not you.

Winning in leadership:

Winning in leadership is helping others do things they aren’t doing yet; things they define as winning. Leaders clarify and align pictures of winning.

Potential moves toward reality
when separate pictures of winning align.

In order to help people win, align their picture of winning with organizational wins.

Result:

Passion ignites when people see their potential in new pictures they help paint.

Suggestions:

Leaders awaken potential.

1. Keep them talking when their eyes light up. Then find alignment.
2. Avoid locking people in. Help them see themselves in new ways.
3. Push through resistance with them. Every significant change faces resistance.
4.  Explain organizational wins in terms that align with their wins.
5. Call them to step up and make a difference.

How can leaders help others paint themselves into new pictures?

Stop Barking up the Wrong Tree

Leaders who work to extend their influence
are barking up the wrong tree.

John Maxwell said, “Leadership is influence.” But, gaining influence isn’t about working to get it; it’s about connecting. Stop worrying about influence; start connecting.

Who enjoys the power to influence?

1. Respected people.
2. Skillful people.
3. Famous people.
4. People with position.
5. ???

But there’s more:

Connection enhances influence. People you influence feel connected to you – the deeper the connection the greater the influence.

New focus:

The new focus of leadership is on connecting.

Connecting tips:

1. Walk toward people.
2. Share yourself. Be transparent.
3. Speak to values, fears, hopes, and aspirations.
4. Give.
5. Understand and serve their best interest.
6. Talk less – listen more.
7. Remember names.
8. Praise and thank.
9. Move first – serve first.
10. ???

Connect with intent:

Avoid connecting for the sake of connecting. Connect with purpose. Connect to open channels that enable giving. Earn the right to be heard then enhance the success of others.

If leadership is influence, influence is about connecting.

How do you connect with people?